Hurtful Decisions


At present, I am going through huge personal family problems.

On top of that, my very good friend of 31 years died not so long ago. She was single with no immediate family so her friends were important to her. On the day of the funeral I felt enormous pride for her. She wanted no intervention and wanted to die with dignity.

As her disease worsened she made a short list of friends and relatives who were allowed to see her and I was one of the privileged ones.

Throughout our lives she had the ability to keep me calm or annoy me with her forceful ideas (part of being single). Many times I felt deeply hurt and offended by her actions but at the end of the day I realised that we were really like sisters and she knew I would still be there.

Now that she is gone, I feel lost because I have been removed from her life-the people in her life, the friends we shared and those that were hers that I felt I knew. She become close to my friends as well. They all took time off work to come to the funeral.

She confided her last wishes to two strong people, a cousin and her longest friend who also was a little aloof.

At the funeral and just after I have felt great pain because her friend has been very cold to me. I tried to believe it was just her dealing with her grief but it is very painful. I feel like she wants to exclude me from being in the group of mourners. I can't understand why.
I am not crying and grieving like the others.
In the church I had a sense of surreal calmness. Is this normal?

There was an item that I had given her still in her house. I expressed to another friend of mine how I would like that as a memory of our times together. It wasn't expensive but it meant something to me. My friend said to mention it to the relatives before they might start throwing things out. What a difficult thing for me to do.

I swallowed my pride and took the risk and rang a sweet cousin of hers. They thought it shouldn't be a problem and said that they didn't know from whom the things in the house had come from. Maybe it was a good thing I rang because now they might think of her friends before throwing things out. I felt relieved and satisfied that I had that little memory to hold in my hand.

I have been through great emotional and financial loss in the past few years and my friend had been through these experiences with me. I know she was worried about me and tried to give me sensible advice. She told me to rely on the good judgment of my son.

Is it normal for me to feel such grief about being excluded at this time. Maybe she didn't love me as much as I thought?

Comments for Hurtful Decisions

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Dec 30, 2010
hurtful decisions
by: Mari

I am so very sorry people hurt your feelings during a terrible time of grief for you. It sounds as if your friend had friends of varied personalities.

There may have been some jealousy due to the closeness you had with your friend. Some people are cold and aloof by nature.

You are hurting at this time with the loss of someone who meant so much to you.

The important thing is to take care of yourself.
As for the sweet friend, I would stay in touch with her. The others, I know this is a difficult thing to do but just forgive them and let it go. Give it over to God. It hurts but does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Just let go little by little and tell yourself in due time it will not matter so much to you. Let it be their problem, not yours. Forgiveness brings peace of mind.

You have enough to grieve about losing a dear friend without worrying and wondering why the others acted as they did.

Please keep posting as there are wonderful people here who care. God bless you. We are here for you.

Dec 30, 2010
by: Judith

She must have cared for you and loved you to put you on the list. It's the friends who are treating you cooly and each person deals with grief in their own way. Tho' it appears the "friends" aren't so fond of you or they may be jealous.

Either way, you know how you feel in your heart and it's between you and God and her spirit. Not her other friends.

I pray you will be able to get back on your feet and survive the challenges life deals out.

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