husband has lost both parents in two years time

by Danielle

Since my husband and I got together three and a half years ago we've .endured the loss of his father and his mother. we were less than 9 months into our relationship with his father which took a big toll on him. shortly after losing his father his mother started her cancer treatments. it was a very rocky road it take a big toll on us both, him especially.

I believe that since all of this, it definitely put a big strain on a relationship. it seems as though we're not the same people we were when we first met. which is quite common in situations like this.

I'm the type of person to just grab the bull by the horns and just deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. Him, not so much. he's gotten to where he doesn't want to do with anything he doesn't want to deal with the death of his parents he doesn't want to deal with the aftermath that has come from it. he doesn't want to deal with any of the things that it had to remove from their home and ultimately brought into our own home. our lives have been just completely turned upside down twisted inside and out.

his way of managing or coping is to sit on his phone for hours and play games, almost completely ignoring the life around him and what needs to be dealt with. its been almost a year since his mother has passed and we still have boxes upon boxes stacked in almost every room every nook and cranny in every corner of our house. He refuses to let me deal with it because he knows I will probably just throw most of it out cause its not necessary or needed. and at the same time he says I'll deal with it I'll take care of it. I promise I'll get some of it taken care of this weekend.

wondering when that weekend will ever come.

I am at my wits end not knowing what to do or where to go. I've tried to help him I've tried to be encouraging I Have tried to be supportive, but it doesn't seem to help our make a difference. I feel as though it may he time for me to move on and move forward, but I feel guilty for feeling that way.

We are strangers to one another now. The person i first key and fell in love with isn't there anymore. The person that is there now ifs a mean, hateful negative person. He refuses to get help or to see a counselor about it.

I understand what has caused him to get like this and have tried to help him...but nothing i go seems to help. I personally can not continue living my life this way...

I need advice please.

Comments for husband has lost both parents in two years time

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Aug 28, 2014
My personal Experience with losing both parents
by: Alison

I just wanted to give some sincere advise to help you understand what is going on and what you can do to help. I have personally lost both parents over the last 8 months. I was not close to either parent but seeing them die was a traumatic experience. I had only been married a few months when this happened and it has been a hardship on my marriage because I have been extremely emotional. I give up my job, relocated, and had a lot of difficulty moving on with my life. I am educated, professional, and loving. This experience turned my life upside down and I want to tell you what I did to help start moving in a better direction.

Your husband need to seek professional help! He needs to speak to someone who can either give him coping mechanisms or medication to "get back to normal." I personally went on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. It is important to take care of your mind while trying to understand or cope with this experience.

I personally understand how he feels and there is nothing you can say or do to make him move forward. He has to make the choice to put this in the past and move forward with the rest of his life. All the distractions are temporary (i.e. phone, games, internet and he will eventually have to accept this loss and hopefully not lose you in the process.

I can tell you he will change and probably never be the same. I have changed a lot over the last year and it doesn't have to be a horrible experience. I decided I was not going to allow death to dictate my life anymore. I have no control over what happened and sometimes in life its is ok to just not deal with it. We are given a choice when situations like this happen. I decided to get closer to my husband instead of pushing him away because I had so much loss at one time. I am not the bubbly outgoing person I was before this happened and I had to re-invent who I was and accept that it was a transitional period in my life.

I personally believe after my experience I was letting a huge part of who I was die. This was the place where I realized that my parents death was as much about me as it was them. I had to let a huge piece of myself go and it was really hard. For those who have never experienced death and loss, its really hard to understand. No one can help you get through if you are not ready to move on.

On a personal note, change isn't always bad. Your husband needs to accept what has happened and move forward. Our lives don't stop just because we lose people we love. We can take the loss and make something better out of it and become who we were meant to be.

Jun 18, 2014
husband has lost both parents in two years time
by: Doreen UK

Danielle everyone deals with grief differently. Death does change us forever and we are not the same people. WE can lose people from our lives at this time. I don't know why? Some people draw closer and other's move away physically, and emotionally.
Try not to nag your husband to deal with his mother's belongings. If you have a garage and want space in the house, then try and move them to this place. Or you can put the items in storage so that they won't be in your face/way. You need your husband's co-operations for this. He has to be reasonable about this. He is not coping and thus playing on his phone as his only distraction. It takes great understanding to deal with this problem. You may feel you have done all you can and can do nothing more. You can go and see a counsellor for yourself. You will then be able to learn coping strategies as well as getting rid of your frustration. You can structure your life for YOU. When your husband sees this he may find out he is the loser by staying stuck in his grief by doing NOTHING to help himself. Either way you don't let your husband Hold you back from moving forward, but you put things in your life that is positive and helpful to you. Don't expect your husband to be spontaneous like you. HE ISN'T THAT TYPE OF PERSON. Accept him for what/who he is, and He may suddenly change when you are not so bothered about his Passivity/complacency. Trying different strategies may cause something to work. The more we want someone to do something. They won't. Use reverse psychology. Act as if you don't care. You may get results. But don't give up on your husband. If you can. Stand by your man. Life has many interruptions and difficulties but trying to overcome them is the best way. It is when you know you have done everything and it is not working, then you can move forward with or without your husband. Grief is not a reason to abandon your husband to meet your needs. Also bear in mind that lack of MATURITY has a lot to do with how some men behave and this can put a strain on any relationship. Especially if He was a Mommy's boy. I hope it works out.

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