Husband just disappeared

It has been over 3 weeks since my husband of 32 years(together 38 years) texted one line: Ran away. He had been making plans for several weeks, maybe longer. He took 1/2 of the cash that I told him I was saving to go on a "real" vacation since I had never had one. He also emptied his IRA at the bank and took the cash. He called in sick to work every day (no showed the last day) , but made believe he was going, always calling me "on his break", as usual. He left both cars. We had had many arguments over the past several months, mostly me yelling because he was VERY withdrawn and would no longer do anything around the house. He kept saying he was in a lot of pain (he had a significant injury several years ago and almost lost his leg- he was at the hospital for several months off and on for 2 years).He lost his job and had a difficult time getting another one. He didn't care for this one. I know he probably was in pain, and I made several appointments for him. He even had knee surgery 2 months ago. He also was having stomach issues, and I think he was depressed. His job was 2nd shift and he was eventually going to get 1st shift, but apparently that wasn't happening. I later found out that he was acting confused at work and couldn't "move up" due to lack of concentration. We have 3 grown children, who were his world (and are mine), but he hasn't contacted anyone. His phone has not been on since the text. He hasn't contacted his parents, either. The police list him as a missing person (but I found out that doesn't mean much for an adult male). I found out that he showed up at a bank (no idea which branch-very wide radius) on Sept 11th to empty the rest of the IRA- very large penalty to be paid, as he is not old enough to withdraw this money. But his privacy is protected. I have done nothing but cry; I feel that I will surely die of a broken heart. Just 2 weeks before, we had had a wonderful weekend together, in which he held me so close and said " I miss you so much, so very much. I love you so much". I ramble, but I am so grief stricken, just waiting for him to come home. He is not very employable, but can he just keep withdrawing IRA's to live on? I just want him to come home. I miss him so very much.

Comments for Husband just disappeared

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Sep 22, 2014
still waiting
by: Anonymous

I have found out that my husband appeared in Florida (we live in Massachusetts) to close out the rest of the IRA. He received the check , but had clothing to search for a job, as well as his suitcase with him. Acting agitated, but nonetheless successful in his venture to get more money. It appeared as though he was on the move. It is now 4 1/2 weeks and my children and I are deeply discouraged. The depth of sadness that I feel is insurmountable, and my children are taking turns "babysitting" me. My son seems to think that if my husband is having a sort of "manic" episode that the crash will be very bad. I agree. I stare at all of the cards and letters he gave me, each one so very individualized personally for me. "I love you with all my heart and soul", "I love you over and over and over again", "With all my love", "My sweetness". My heart is so broken, I am fearful at this juncture that he will look at all he has done and feel completely unable to come back.

Sep 17, 2014
Husband just disappeared
by: Doreen UK

Having read your post again, I don't know how the IRA works as I live in the U.K. But if this is equivalent to the Pension credits I think you need to find out how you can stop this. If you do nothing you may be liable for his taking this money out due to his mental confusion and perhaps mental breakdown? If you own your own home you may lose this. You need to act promptly. Perhaps your Adult children could help you put measures in place. This would offer you the security you need. It may also flush your husband out and he may return home if his survival is threatened. You need to FOCUS on what you need to do for yourself and the family. You cannot be held responsible for your husband's behaviour, or for stopping any money he takes out that he is not entitled to till this money reaches it's maturity/entitlement.
You also need to get some grief counselling for yourself to help you with some guidance should everything fall apart and you become depressed. Putting some of these measures in place will help you feel more secure and feel some stability.
Work is very important to a man and any job loss or unhappiness in the workplace can turn a man's world upside down. Not easy to discuss with a wife because it would mean that your husband would make you unhappy and upset the security you both have. It would also cause more arguments which you say you have already had. When you say he was planning this for some time (premeditated )means he has given his problems some thought and he is lucid enough to accept the consequences of his actions. The reality is that he has put you in a difficult position also and this is irresponsible.
If he comes back (and I hope he does return!) you need to do a lot of talking and put some boundaries in place which will help you both come together better. These measures must be mutually respectful to both of you. When a man sees that his wife is working alongside him and not nagging him he will be more open to talking and opening up and letting you into his world. I am praying for his safe return. If you don't know God, now is a good time to acquaint yourself with Him and seek his guidance and wisdom for the rest of your life.

Sep 16, 2014
The Hurt & Pain People Cause
by: Anonymous

It sounds as if your husband was suffering and he just didn't know how to cope. He felt dragged down from what he may have considered failures. He certainly isn't thinking clearly at any rate. I would consider him a missing person even tho he said he has run away. Are you able to stop him form emptying out your bank account? Maybe it's best you go speak with a lawyer to see what you can do to stop you from loosing everything for now and then I'd think about reporting him with having mental issues. You just don;t up and walk out on your family like that without having some emotional problem. Maybe he'll return when he has used up all the money and he'll of course be sorry and expect you to forgive as you loose it all.

It's just terrible the hurt and pain people cause others without blinking an eye.

I pray you get help .

Sep 16, 2014
Husband just disappeared
by: Doreen UK

It sounds as if your husband is having some sort of Break Down and so has run away. He can't cope right now. When a man loses his job he can suffer an identity crisis and depression can set in. Taking the money to live on was his last desperate plea for survival. When a man withdraws it is usually because he has internalized his pain to GIVING UP!. With you so frustrated and shouting at him did not help the problem.
The fact that he hasn't contacted his parents, you, or his Adult children means that he is SHUTTING DOWN. Sometimes one cannot even hold a conversation when life is in CRISIS.
All you can do is PRAY and WAIT. He may start to feel better and able to contact someone. You may be able to put out a message on TV. for him to come home. At such a time one needs love and understanding. Losing a job to many men means their life is over if they cannot provide for their family. Your husband sounds like a desperate man. If he was seeing another woman I am sure you would have a feeling about this and would have some signs. Best to not go down this route right now. it won't help you or your family. There are times many of us feel like becoming a MISSING PERSON. I have certainly felt this way often.
Please write back with any updates. meantime we can all Pray for his safety and also for him to return home to his family. I am sorry for this grief you bear of a missing husband.

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