Husband, Mom and Grandma

by Seagirl
(Seattle, WA, USA)

I'm 38 yo. I lost my husband to a brain disease in March 2010. That leveled me for awhile. I felt as if I was just starting to heal (and accepting that I am forever changed), when my Grandma died December 2011. I am/was very close to my Grandma. She lived a few miles from me growing up, I lived with her during the summers, and she helped me through college – she would often joke that she was my “Grand” mother, and she was. Four months later (April 2012), my Mom died unexpectedly at the age of 62 yo. She was my best support through my Husband’s death and my many life changes. I’m not sure who I miss most, feel the most, grieve the most. Sometimes when I cry I’ll think of all three – it’s a lot.
My friends and colleagues have no experience with death. My counselor has been helpful. But, mostly in being able to verify that most people will not be able to understand my situation, and to verify that I’m doing fine (b/c I sure feel “off” from my normal self. Although, I’m functioning, optimistic, productive. Pretty darn good considering. :). My family has gone from a loving, supportive group to chaos, it seems. I still care for people and have interest in life – yet, many things that interest others seem trivial to me (anyone else experience this?). I’m currently settling my Mom’s estate, and that’s another thing to do right now. I find my memory is not its typical sharp self, I space off sometimes, I feel foggy on occasion (this is getting better), I don’t cry as much as I did when my husband passed – this perplexes me. I feel hardened now. I notice how uncomfortable people are if I speak of my Mom or Husband. I feel like I can’t share except with 2-3 good friends (thankfully I have those friends). I lack the energy to get out to see my friends as much as used to. It is up and down – a rollercoaster as they say. Today I feel pretty great. Yesterday, I just wanted to read up on stuff and sit around. I pat myself on the back for doing what used to be simple things.

Comments for Husband, Mom and Grandma

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Aug 23, 2012
Husband, Mom, and Grandma
by: Doreen U.K.

Seagirl I am sorry for your loss of 3 members of your family. Give yourself a break whenever you need to. don't do anything that you don't want to do. Leave it until you feel able. I FEEL LIKE THIS. I don't share with anyone because they really wouldn't understand what grief is until they go through this. Stick with people who know. I am all alone with my GREIF AND SORROW. I am not motivated to do anything. Today I was supposed to paint the dado rail. done 3 coats already. Needs gloss now. Can I be bothered? It will keep for another day when I feel like it. Instead I curled up on the settee and watched a movie. THIS IS WHAT TO DO. It is called looking after yourself the only way you can when you are feeling sad or lonely. Nothing and no one can take this feeling away. We are stuck with it forever or until it we can carry on. I am glad you have some good friends who are supportive. Some people can add to your grief if you share with the wrong people. if anyone thinks you are trivialising what is important to them it is only because your grief will not allow you to process things in a way that is relevant or important to another person. We somehow become different people when grief stricken. I am more sensitive and upset my family by expressing how I feel. I can't be bothered now to fight any more battles. Even grief. You will move forward when you are ready. If you see a counsellor and you are not moving forward or feel it is useless. Get another counsellor until you find the right one. When you do you will know it is the right person for you and you will feel better and start to improve. DON'T GIVE UP!. Be patient with yourself. I am not motivated to do much because my body feels all beaten up with grief. I don't even have to think of my loss of my husband of 44yrs. it is as if everything in my mind is unwinding automatically and I have no control over this. I just have to FEEL IT. You say you don't know who to grieve over the most. This is because you have had a multiple loss to deal with. Try keeping a journal and write out your thoughts and feelings. Even if it is all jumbled up. It is YOURS. You write how you want. About who you want. But it must be about the 3 people in your life who you have lost. Don't share this with anyone. It is YOUR OWN PRIVATE JOURNAL. You soon will be able to identify who you miss the most. If it is all 3. If it is not the one you feel you should grieve the most. This is O.K. It is your thoughts. Your feelings. give a voice to them. Let go of any GUILT. You will have bad days and good days. Sometimes I write out my angry feelings and shred them. It is what works for you. I hope that you will have better days ahead.

Aug 22, 2012
You are stronger than you think!
by: Anonymous

I am 38 also and I lost my mom in January of this year to cancer. Nobody knew she had it, she had trouble breathing, and pain while she took breaths so she went to the ER, and she died 6 days later of advanced stage lung cancer. I am not a very social person, my mom was my best friend. She died in January, it has been exactly 7 months yesterday. I was VERY close to my mom, and nobody understands the loss. I did not just lose my mother, I lost my best friend, the one I turned too for help, and now I am lost. I could not imagine your grief, losing 3 people. You are a strong woman, more stronger than you know.

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