Husband, Mom and Grandma
(Seattle, WA, USA)
I'm 38 yo. I lost my husband to a brain disease in March 2010. That leveled me for awhile. I felt as if I was just starting to heal (and accepting that I am forever changed), when my Grandma died December 2011. I am/was very close to my Grandma. She lived a few miles from me growing up, I lived with her during the summers, and she helped me through college – she would often joke that she was my “Grand” mother, and she was. Four months later (April 2012), my Mom died unexpectedly at the age of 62 yo. She was my best support through my Husband’s death and my many life changes. I’m not sure who I miss most, feel the most, grieve the most. Sometimes when I cry I’ll think of all three – it’s a lot.
My friends and colleagues have no experience with death. My counselor has been helpful. But, mostly in being able to verify that most people will not be able to understand my situation, and to verify that I’m doing fine (b/c I sure feel “off” from my normal self. Although, I’m functioning, optimistic, productive. Pretty darn good considering. :). My family has gone from a loving, supportive group to chaos, it seems. I still care for people and have interest in life – yet, many things that interest others seem trivial to me (anyone else experience this?). I’m currently settling my Mom’s estate, and that’s another thing to do right now. I find my memory is not its typical sharp self, I space off sometimes, I feel foggy on occasion (this is getting better), I don’t cry as much as I did when my husband passed – this perplexes me. I feel hardened now. I notice how uncomfortable people are if I speak of my Mom or Husband. I feel like I can’t share except with 2-3 good friends (thankfully I have those friends). I lack the energy to get out to see my friends as much as used to. It is up and down – a rollercoaster as they say. Today I feel pretty great. Yesterday, I just wanted to read up on stuff and sit around. I pat myself on the back for doing what used to be simple things.