Husbands 2.5 year affair

I found out in august 2013 my husband had been seeing someone from his work place, I found an email in his suit pocket of a meeting they had arranged at her new flat, he told me it was only friendship at the beginning then it developed into something more serious, he said nothing happened and he left her flat after 30 minutes due to guilt,

we decided to go to relate. The service relate provided was a great help but I kept looking for further evidence and eventually he admitted he had been having an affair for 2.5 years but it only happened in working hours that's why I never suspected, he never went out on his own or was ever home late our life was perfect, so I thought.

he took 2 afternoons off to try and have sex but couldn't Physically carry it out, due to having his prostrate removed 5 years previously, but other sexual relations took place. The rest of the meetings were made up of coffees at lunch times or 15 minutes after work in a car park for gropes etc.

I also checked his mobile phone account and noticed there were a lot of phone calls and text messages to a particular number from April to August 2013 it turns out he had another woman on the go during this time as well as his mistress but in this affair he had only met her twice in a car park where they kissed this affair was just sex texts. Both affairs ended the day I found the email.

He says he has always loved me, there was no way he was ever going to leave me for these woman or let his behaviour get involved with our married life, he says he rationalised it all by separation his two life's, he says it was the buzz he was addicted to, the thought of two woman wanting him, he says he just used them for the buzz and his life has always been with me. He said we hadn't been intimate for years and that was his fault he had pushed me away because he couldn't fulfill his marital duties towards me and felt guilty and despaired every time he let me down in bed so in the end he didn't even try, but with this woman he didn't care if it worked or not he didn't love her and didn't care what she thought.

He is now on Prozac and under psychotherapy as the realisation of what he has done has nearly made him have a breakdown I am now getting counselling for my shock, anger and heartache.

I really loved my husband but I hate the man he has become, he says he will change and become the man i married 15 years ago, he can't live without me and he feels he was suffering from depression due to having prostrate cancer 5 years previous and their attention made him feel like a man again,

I just can't see the logic in that and feel it's an excuse, people choose to have an affair and go down that path no one forces them. I want all the bad thoughts of what they have done together to go away I live with it day and night it's been 4 months and I'm still having violent angry outbursts, he has pleaded with me to stay with him till august 2014 so he can prove he can change and show how much he loves me but it's hard, all I want to do is run and hide from the world, they say time is a healer but how much time?

Comments for Husbands 2.5 year affair

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Jan 12, 2014
Sorry for your pain
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to hear this has happened. I think you need extensive time to think all of this through. This person carried this relationship for over 2 years, so I think you may want to consider maybe forgiving, however never ever forgetting. I would consider going to a marriage counselor and possibly consider moving on if it does not appear that the problem is getting resolved. May God be with you!

Jan 07, 2014
Husbands 2.5 year affair
by: Doreen UK

Having processed your post again I find it hard to believe because your husband could not fulfil his sexual duties with you that he had to go outside and prove this with women he didn't love or was connected to. Doesn't the man realise by being intimate with other women that he would be connected with them. If he is having a breakdown it is for this reason. Getting caught up in the emotions of it all without realising this. He brought his own breakdown on himself. Let him work it out. Whilst you take care of the turbulent emotions and anger he has left you with. When I was first married my sister's husband watched pornography. I and my sister and a friends wife left the room. We refused to watch this with them. My sister's husband has as a result of watching pornography gone on to try and seduce My eldest sister, youngest sister and one time me. I was incensed. I confronted him every time he made a move or was eyeing up other girls. He hated me for it. He made me suffer for over 25yrs. his emotional abuse. My husband told me to ignore him because my husband never liked conflict. My brother-in-law loves my sister whilst behaving like an idiot and worse. My husband was dying of cancer and then my youngest daughter who is beautiful went for a job interview. Her uncle met her and then took her hand and walked around the centre as if lover's. She one day told me. We were incensed. I had to tell my youngest sister to look out for my daughter at our son's wedding and to keep an eye on the situation. My sister's husband would come to our home for a visit and go upstairs and knock on my daughter's door. She ignored him and told him she was on the phone. She did not answer his text messages. SHE IGNORED HIM. My husband was angry but dying of cancer and so we let this problem die down. IT HAS. Now my sister's husband is going through immense suffering and a breakdown and no job. But it is what his behaviour has done to our family. We have lost respect for him. We have to keep the secret from my sister. It is like living a lie. But when I have told my sister in the past what he has done she has turned on me. So I let it lie. I worry though for when I die. What will his move be then. Men don't realise the full depth of how what they do affects the family and how destructive this is to everyone. There are consequences for INFIDELITY. It destroys relationships and families. It is SIN and God will deal with those people who violate his laws. I hope this helps you and other's who may be suffering.

Jan 07, 2014
Husbands 2.5 year affair
by: Doreen UK

What has happened to you is very devastating. I am happy you are going to counselling as it will help you. Don't look for failings in yourself. All the failings are in your husband. You are an articulate woman and know that your husband had a choice. He should be a man and admit that what he did was to hurt you deeply and your marriage and not make excuses for his prostate problem and feeling great at having 2 women on the go at the same time. It is common for men to have affairs and still love their wives. But he needs to know that TRUST has gone. It is hard work trying to get it back. RESPECT has also been sacrificed and with a lack of respect a relationship cannot survive. He sounds like a very IMMATURE man. You need to process what your needs are and if they are being met within the context of this marriage. If not you won't be able to REVIVE what your husband has destroyed. Counselling is an excellent tool in exploring and helping you move forward. You will be in a stronger position to then assess if you want to go on with this marriage. You will be wise enough and able to notice the changes in your marriage to know if this is working or the distance too much to make this work. I do believe that some men can behave foolish without processing what they are doing till it is too late. Only you will know the nature of your husband and if what he is telling you is for real, and if you have that deep down feeling that he really loves you and shows it. If not. You will be able to process what you want to do. You just need to stay together for the right reasons. If you cannot get back the TRUST and RESPECT that has been lost due to your husband's infidelity. You will have to make the decision as to what is best way forward for you. No use staying in a marriage that is not working.
A 2.5yr. affair is a long time to cause a lot of damage. You will come through this pain and suffering and become stronger. You will SURVIVE. Whatever the outcome. NURTURE yourself every day and you will be building yourself up and your self esteem which has suffered due to your husband's affair. Best wishes

Jan 04, 2014
Your husband's affair
by: Candace McCutcheon

You need time. You need to take as much time as you need to heal from this. This man hurt two women -- you and his mistress. He will have to understand that you cannot take up where it left off before the affair started, but that you must start all over to regain the trust and build the relationship back to anything near what it once was.
Remember -- there are worse things in life than being alone and you are not responsible for the happiness of others.

Take good care of yourself,

Candace McCutcheon

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