I Am Changed Forever

by Evelyn
(Honolulu, HI)

My brother and I had just talked on the phone on the day of his passing - August 17, 2004. It was around 7:15 a.m. that I had spoken to him. It seems like it was only yesterday that we were joking on the phone. A life-changing phone call came later that day at around 12:00 p.m. I was just gathering my things together from a teacher's seminar. I made my way to a restaurant in Waikiki, stopping near a bank to glance at the incoming phone number.

As the phone rang, I thought that maybe my brother was just calling to chat a little more. I was wrong. As I listened with a sense of confusion as to why I was receiving a call from another line in Florida, I realized that something was terribly wrong. I was told that my brother had suffered a heart attack and was being taken into an ambulance. I could feel all the blood drain from my face and my body. I was numb and confused. "This can't be happening," I thought.

That moment was like something you feel and picture in a slow motion movie; every little moment and detail was slowed down. My thoughts and my sense of self was non-existent at that moment. As I hung up the phone, my hands were shaking and a cemented blank feeling came through me. I felt helpless. It was now 12:30 p.m. I received the call that changed my life forever.

I am no longer the same, and no longer will be the same.

I miss you, Gary. I miss your smile, your brotherly love, your way of always looking out for me. I will always be your little sister. The days are never easier for me. It seems that my grief only gets stronger as the days go by. I miss talking to you. If you can hear me from heaven, my message to you is, "I love you and miss you."

August is never an easy time for me because all the memories of that day come flooding in. Knowing that you're with me in my heart is a comfort, a comfort that will help me through this pain. Rest in Peace, my dear brother. We love you and miss you.