I am lost without my mother

by Michele
(Anaheim, CA US)

My mother passed away a year ago. She was a Diabetic for years and then 4 years ago she had to get her pinky toe amputated and once she did that she ended up having to go to dialysis. She was on Dialysis for 4 years. Little by little something else was wrong. She ended up with a blood disorder and it was so bad. She had to start going 4 days a week to dialysis and she started having to do blood transfusions. Then to make matters worse my mother ended up getting breast cancer. But with her rare blood disorder she could not do the Chemotherapy. I honestly believed she was going to be okay. I never thought she would die. My mother started talking about what dress to lay her out in when she passed. She had a file box with the certain pictures she wanted at her funeral. And In my mind I thought to myself, this woman is not going to die. My mother had her blood disorder for 4 months, but once she got Breast Cancer she got worse and had to be hospitalized. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks and she just wanted to go home. Once the doctors filled her up with fresh blood. As soon as they took her back to her room her blood pallets lowered from 100 pallets to no pallets. We had to bring my mother home for Hospice care. I spent the night the entire week she was home. The first night she got home. She was confused and irritable. Until hours passed. I was lying on a couch next to her hospital bed in my mothers family room. She seemed so peaceful as I watched her take in every part of the family room. Every picture, every wall. Her head and eyes roamed the room so slowly as she was realizing she was in her own home. An hour passed and I was still watching her. Her head slowly turned my way and her eyes were on the walls above me...a few minutes later she slowly gazed down at me, we had eye contact...she smiled at me her eyes filled with so much love and she nodded as to say she was glad she was home. I stayed awake all night until 4:00am that is when she fell asleep. My mother stayed asleep the entire week and the fourth day she stopped breathing. It has been a year since my mom has passed and my sadness is so deep. I have stopped living. I don't go anywhere at all anymore. My sisters and family call but, I just would rather not go anywhere. I put my moms pictures everywhere in my house, but I cannot look at her picture. When I am near her picture. I shake my head and tell myself... "no. I can't." I feel so lost, so alone. I have a lot of family and friends. I have three teenage kids. They all fill my life everyday, but inside I feel so lonely. I don't say or show how I feel to my kids or family. I know my mother is in a better place, but I miss her. I need to find my way back to living life.

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Sep 24, 2013
Response to I am lost without my mother
by: Michele

Nadine, Thank You for sharing your story. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Yes I heard from others who lost their mother that you actually never get over it. I was extremely close to my mother. She called me 2 to 3 times every week. I was with her visiting each week also. Either by myself or with my kids. Plus every holiday was spent with her. So when she passed away I would freak out saying.."Oh my gosh! I have to call my mom." knowing I have not talked to her in a while and suddenly remember she was passed away. Even a couple weeks before her birthday I would think to myself, that I needed to go shopping to get her a present and again realize she was no longer here. So it has been very difficult. I am thinking about going to a grief class. Thanks Nadine for the advice. I appreciate it.

Sep 24, 2013
Reponse to Lost Without My Mother
by: Michele

Doreen, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your mother. I understand when you say, you cannot look at your husbands pictures. I have my mother's pictures all around my house, but I still cannot look her in the eye. Thank You so much for the advice. I have been thinking about attending a grief class, But I just have not made no move toward attending one. I even found one through my church. I know I need it. I truly appreciate your advice. I will write notes to myself of things to do for myself. I have been living in a bubble and it is time to step out of it. I was never like this before my mom died. I do need some help and I will get it. God bless you.

Sep 23, 2013
I am lost without my mother
by: Doreen

Michele I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom. You will find your way back into life again. But for now you need the time and space for YOU. Go and see a Grief Counsellor who is trained to deal with loss and grief. You may be stuck in grief and can't move forward. I was numb for months with frozen grief and when I thawed out I thought I would fall to pieces, but I didn't. I think God gives us our grief in small doses so we can bear it. It lasts longer. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago. I found the secret was TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. I only did what I had to and days I did nothing. I then paced myself with what I had to do. You need to NURTURE yourself. Do something good for yourself each day and build on this. You are perhaps a very busy mother and not giving yourself time to grieve properly. Most part of grief is crying.
I lost my mother 10yrs. ago and It took me 9 years to take her photo's and frames out of the cupboard. I cannot look at a picture of my husband. It is too painful. His photo's and frames also put in a cupboard till I am ready to put these out. When I do. I am going to make the largest framed picture and look at it each day with Pride. You will find your way back from grief. Just be patient with yourself. Remember. ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how we all move forward. When you look back you will see how forward you have moved in your grief. Do what works for YOU. There is no right or wrong way. Best wishes.

Sep 19, 2013
lost without my mother
by: Nadine

Hi Michele. I also lost my mom to cancer. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer and received radiation but no chemotherapy. Years later the cancer returned. I'm not sure if the doctors misdiagnosed it or she just didn't want us kids to know, but we were told it had spread throughout her body and it was terminal. She died in 1995. I was very close to her as you sound like you were to your mom. We used to have such happy times together. Often my son and i would spend the weekend at her house, quite a distance from my house. I too felt lost when she had to sell her house and move into a nursing home. It was what she wanted. And since my sister and i both worked full time, we felt she would get the best care there. It was very difficult knowing i was losing her and adjusting to life without her. Life is very different now but i will always cherish the memories i have of my mom. I hope you can do the same.

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