I am lost without my mother
(Anaheim, CA US)
My mother passed away a year ago. She was a Diabetic for years and then 4 years ago she had to get her pinky toe amputated and once she did that she ended up having to go to dialysis. She was on Dialysis for 4 years. Little by little something else was wrong. She ended up with a blood disorder and it was so bad. She had to start going 4 days a week to dialysis and she started having to do blood transfusions. Then to make matters worse my mother ended up getting breast cancer. But with her rare blood disorder she could not do the Chemotherapy. I honestly believed she was going to be okay. I never thought she would die. My mother started talking about what dress to lay her out in when she passed. She had a file box with the certain pictures she wanted at her funeral. And In my mind I thought to myself, this woman is not going to die. My mother had her blood disorder for 4 months, but once she got Breast Cancer she got worse and had to be hospitalized. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks and she just wanted to go home. Once the doctors filled her up with fresh blood. As soon as they took her back to her room her blood pallets lowered from 100 pallets to no pallets. We had to bring my mother home for Hospice care. I spent the night the entire week she was home. The first night she got home. She was confused and irritable. Until hours passed. I was lying on a couch next to her hospital bed in my mothers family room. She seemed so peaceful as I watched her take in every part of the family room. Every picture, every wall. Her head and eyes roamed the room so slowly as she was realizing she was in her own home. An hour passed and I was still watching her. Her head slowly turned my way and her eyes were on the walls above me...a few minutes later she slowly gazed down at me, we had eye contact...she smiled at me her eyes filled with so much love and she nodded as to say she was glad she was home. I stayed awake all night until 4:00am that is when she fell asleep. My mother stayed asleep the entire week and the fourth day she stopped breathing. It has been a year since my mom has passed and my sadness is so deep. I have stopped living. I don't go anywhere at all anymore. My sisters and family call but, I just would rather not go anywhere. I put my moms pictures everywhere in my house, but I cannot look at her picture. When I am near her picture. I shake my head and tell myself... "no. I can't." I feel so lost, so alone. I have a lot of family and friends. I have three teenage kids. They all fill my life everyday, but inside I feel so lonely. I don't say or show how I feel to my kids or family. I know my mother is in a better place, but I miss her. I need to find my way back to living life.