I am Lost

by Rita
(Orlando, FL)

I will start by saying that my loss is not multiple yet. My father passed away of cancer January 2012 and I still find myself crying every time I hear an old country song. He was a guitar player and a singer so I grew up with my music filling the halls of our home and filling my heart with joy. I still pick up the phone to call him and then realize I no longer have my Dad. I miss him dearly. Shortly after returning from my Father’s funeral my Mom was diagnosed with end stage liver cirrhosis. She is an alcoholic and has been most of my life. I have many conflicting emotions about her sickness. I am angry that my Dad had to die with no choice and my Mother has done this to herself. I know she loves me and that her alcoholism is a disease but its hard not to hate her for what she has done to herself. She has been in the hospital most of the year since my Dad passed and today she is running a 103 fever and has fluid on her lungs (the fluid is typical as they have to ‘drain’ her every other day). She’s lost 50+ lbs in less than 2 months and she looks like she is already dead =( I believe the time has come and I am not sure I can take another death in my life. I am only 30 years old and I have a full time job and a little boy of my own who is only 5 years old. I want to be strong for him but I find myself unraveling just sitting here at work right now. How do you live in a world where you have no family? No one left who is connected by blood…I have my husband but it just isn’t the same. My son will never remember either of my parents…the legacy of my family dies right here. I am feeling very lost.

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