I Am Not Living

(Sugar Land, TX)

Seventeen months and two days since you passed away. I am still left with so much grief and some anger. What happened to ...And they lived happily ever after? You PROMISED everything was going to be ok but it wasn't and it isn't. Nothing is all right. I can't move, I can't breathe. I do not live I only exist. My heart so broken and scarred it is a never ending struggle.

The woman you loved, she is gone. She died the day you did. The belief in happiness, in love, in you. You died and as if that was not enough your stupid secrets came out leaving me even more stunned and feeling guilty because I could not save you. Even in death I have stayed faithful and made sure your grave is taken care of. None of your "friends" have even visited you. I make sure you have flowers and maintained. ME, the one who loved you. The one who would have moved heaven and earth to get you help and made sure you stayed alive.

I don't have a clue what the future holds for now I can not see through this heavy fog of grief, it won't move. Hopefully one day I will learn to live again because this existence is really not worth so much. Until we meet again my love...

Comments for I Am Not Living

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Oct 25, 2010
by: Anonymous

I feel for you in a way that only a widow can. This club we've been forced to join is horrible, the dues are way too high. I'm not going to tell you that you will be better tomorrow or next week, but I can promise you that the pain will ease, I know you don't believe me, I didn't believe it either, and I hated it when people would tell me that. I could feel the all-consuming pain of my loss and I would get so angry that anyone could possibly think that it would ever ease.

I will tell you what a widow told me when I lost my sweet love of my life, she said that I was looking too far in the future, to only think about one hour, one day, one week, whatever you can get through. It worked, all I could think about was my life stretching out before me without him, it was more than I could stand. I tried doing what she said and it helped, not always but maybe it will help you too. I am very sorry for your loss. grief is the hardest work you will EVER do. IT SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Sep 12, 2010
I wish I could hold you
by: Bluewookies

Yours was the saddest story I have ever heard. I wish I could reach out and hold you like your mother did as a baby. I feel you pain. I want you to feel it. I want you to move through the pain into something different. I am sending this message to your heart, lovely one.

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