I AM REALLY TRYING

by Yvonne
(California)

Roger died three years ago. Six months later my mom go sick and I moved her into my home. About three months ago I got sick and my dr. said I cant take care of mom and myself. So I found her a really nice assisted living home.

But now I am alone. My family keep saying it has been three years I should be over it. So I can't talk about him. Which I love to do but it makes me cry. We were married 32 years. I am trying to make a life. He was my best friend. Hew was my only friend. I have not friends to call and say lets go to dinner or to a movies. My kids are not close by and they have their own families.

I just don't know what to do. I am so lonely. I visit mom everyday. Just so I have some place to go. But the nights. The nights are so lonely.I sit and cry.

And when I try to talk to my family they just do not understand. They think the sadness should be over.

Oh God, I miss him so much. I know I have to build a new life but how do you do it when you are alone. I have no reason to be alive. How do I go on without him?

Comments for I AM REALLY TRYING

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Oct 10, 2013
Yvonne
by: Cathy

Hello Yvonne.
Sorry about the loss of your husband. I know how you feel because I lost my husband too, 14 months ago to a massive heart attack. We were together for over 33 years. My husband also was my only friend. We did everything together and didn't really socialize. We just enjoyed each others company. Just a nightmare when they pass away and you are totally alone. My two children are grown up and on their own so I can't be with them all the time either. It isn't the same and never will be. But we do have to carry on.

I got a cat a while back but it ended up to be not very nice. I got it from the humane society and they said it was from a place where there was a large colony of cats. Anyway the cat ended up scratching my face so I took it back. But I noticed after it was gone that my grief came back a lot worse again. I think having the cat gave me something to take care of and helped take my mind off of missing my husband so much. I am considering getting another pet sometime in the near future because I think it will help. I do still like cats (sort of. lol) but if I ever get another one I'll get one that is declawed. lol Maybe this is something you might want to consider.

Another idea I am thinking about is joining a community group for cards or some other things I might like to do. I thought it might be nice to get out and meet new people. But I don't know if I am ready to do this yet.

The loneliness is unbearable at times. I thank God for the internet, the television and the phone. It does help somewhat. Better than having nothing. My condolences to you and I hope for you, me and others here, that this grieving will get easier over time.

Sep 23, 2013
I am really trying
by: Doreen UK

Yvonne I am sorry for your loss of your husband of 32yrs. IGNORE those family/friends who say you should be over your loss after 3yrs. You will never get over losing your husband. BUT in time you will learn to live with this. It doesn't matter how long it takes, don't feel guilty. You can't put a time frame on healing from grief.
I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband 16 months ago to a deadly cancer which was terminal. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39 days and had to watch him die slowly. A horrendous cancer journey. I have only coped better because I went to counselling in my 40's and resolved my losses and depression. The best thing I did in my life. I have moved forward in better ways but I still miss my husband and I always will. You can't live with someone for a lifetime and get over your loss of them soon. I go through the same indifference from people. So I show them everything in my world is O.K. But if I don't answer the phone they are quick to worry and think the worst. It is so difficult to move on and restructure one's life again.
Because it has been 3yrs. and you are still in raw grief you may be stuck in grief. You may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor who is trained and skilled in the area of helping one who is stuck in grief. You will be amazed at the difference it will make to your life. Plus it will be YOU time where you can explore whatever you need to and find coping strategies. It isn't fun living a full life and then suddenly plunged into a lonely life unable to move forward. Who wants to live in an empty house. Plus you have lost the company of your mother. I have people in my life also who don't understand. It comes with the territory of grief.
It is hard to motivate oneself at times to do anything whilst grieving.
I nurture myself by using my freedom to do anything I want when I want. If I don't feel like doing anything I DON'T. The worst problem we have to deal with now is LONLINESS. being ALONE. Especially late in life it is harder. Yvonne take ONE DAY AT A TIME. Let each day unfold as it will. Don't look too far forward as the immensity of years on your own will swallow you up and make your loneliness that much longer. I did nothing for 6 months. I bathed my sorrow with TV and nurtured myself back into life. I took one or two jobs a day and built on this. But the days and nights are lonely. Especially the weekends. I watch a lot of God TV. I draw on my FAITH to get me through the loneliness. I know Christmas is coming up. But I won't face this till it comes. I do a lot of planting and my garden cheers me up planting hanging baskets and I try to have a FOCUS to keep me going. You will find your niche. Write back as often as you need to for on going support. Best wishes.

Sep 21, 2013
Yvonne
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, I remember your first post. There were so many ladies at that time who constantly supported us and us them. WE had formed some kind fo bond thru our losses. It's been a while ince oyu last wrote and I was so hoping you would come to the peaceful acceptance side of grief. WE learn to cope with our loss and one little step of one little minute of every hour we move forwrad to attempt to have our new normal but we fall short some days and the loss becomes so big again. The emptiness and lonliness that seems to happen, when we end our day and the sun goes down, is
at times so unbearable. IF it weren't for the TV sometimes I think I'd go nuts. I am at the 3 year mark also and there is not a day that has gone by that I don't call out his name and wish he were here. We have to keep faking it until we make it Yvonne.

I live in SoCal in the San Fernando Valley . So if you live near me I'd like to offer an ivite to let me know and I'll send you my e-mail so we can begin to get you out of the house and begin feeling less isolated. I do go out and do things even if it's to the mall to hat with friends and once in a while I go out to dance..by myself of course. But I am out there even tho there is that void.

Sep 21, 2013
We all understand
by: Lawrence

Yvonne,
We are all lonely and sit and cry in the terrible long evenings, you say you don’t know why you are that way; well you have lost the only man you loved more than life itself and have had a very rough time since.
Don’t expect anyone to understand your pain and anguish; you have to experience losing a loved one to know how devastating it is.
I lost a grandson to Sudden Death Syndrome last year, he went up for a bath and just died, he was 21 years old and the grief was unbelievable but nothing like the heartache and agony of losing my dear beloved wife nine months ago after being together for nearly seventy years, so you don’t have to explain, everybody on this site has been bereaved and is hurting very badly.
Remember the old song “NO ONE TO BLESS ME WHEN EVER I SNEEZE”
Says it all.
I wish I could find some words to make your loss bearable but there are none, it’s just life and everybody at some time will have to mourn the loss of a cherished partner..
Take care of yourself.
Lawrence

Sep 20, 2013
I Am Really Trying
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Yvonne,
I lost my husband of 46 years, 27 months ago. Our 46th wedding anniversary was June 26,2011. He died at 12:10 a.m. on June 27, 2011.
A part of me died with him. He was a part of my life since I was 15. I married him at the age of 18. We always said we grew up together. Both of my parents are gone. Mom is gone 37 years and dad 7. My dad lived 30 years without my mom. I remember it took him 5 years to really be able to move on. He never remarried, but did have a friend. She died a year later. They were companions. I don't know if I will ever get there.
I have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren. I have the support of my husbands family, but at times feel so alone. I want my husband back, but know that isn't going to happen.
For me the nights and weekends still are hard. Sometimes I get that restless feeling. I want to do something, but really don't have anyone to call and do something with other than family. I went to a grief support group through my church and met three other widows. We were there for each other; but now 2 of them have another man in their life and the other one says she wants to meet a man. The only man I still want is my husband. Even in death, he still has a hold on me. I am getting used to my new life. It is not the life I would choose, but it is what it is. We just go on without them

Sep 20, 2013
I Feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I wish I oould offer some words of encouragement, but I can't. I am also grieving, the loss of my young son (9 years old).

All I can say is " think of what your love one would prefer for you to do". I find that helps during some of the hardest day.

Be kind to yourself and try HARD to live and not just EXIST...

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