I am safe here

I'm coming back to this site because it is the only place where I feel entirely safe and and can say exactly what I'm thinking or feeling without fear of being offensive to someone.

Having said that, let me tell you how I really feel. I just went through Thanksgiving, the anniversary of Barry's death and a long holiday weekend. No one called me, no one emailed me, no one. Not my "friends" from CA or FL, not a co-worker, even the one who professes to be my friend, no one from church, no one from the Legion, no one.

The single exception was my daughter who called on the anniversary day, sounding worried, because the day before I'd let my shell down with her and said some days it's hard to imagine going on. I scared her. One person in the world loves me. No one else. I am so utterly alone.

I suspect I might be being a little unreasonable since holiday weekends are so notoriously busy. But nonetheless, I feel abandoned by everyone. These are the places I tried to get out there and meet people, following the advice of the people who said you need to make new friends etc. You know, friends just don't grow on a bush in the back yard to be pulled off when you want one. It's hard to develop a new friendship, it takes time and a mutual willingness.

I think maybe it is just too much for me to handle grief, my crazy job, this awful loneliness and trying to develop a new friendship as well. Maybe I'm putting off negative vibes because frankly, I am not a happy person.

I have a big knot in my chest which might be congestion from this rotten cold I have, or more likely is the grief, unhappiness and loneliness I am carrying around and don't know how to alleviate.

Thanks for listening. I'd be crazy without you guys.

JM

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Dec 03, 2010
dreaded holidays
by: Barbara G

Black Christmas Tree. Stopping by this afternoon and looking for it at Walmart. We all feel so much pain. How can the world keep on spinning with this much pain in the atmosphere? 150 people came to my husband's services and there are 3 I could count on now, almost 2 years later.

If not for my sister, my two adult children and my parents, I would have ended this pain a long time ago. I still have not found a reason to live. I moved a year ago to be nearer my family and that was a good move. I find it very difficult to relearn how to socialize by myself. I dated my husband at 14, married at 17 and we were married for 40 years. Now I am 60 and physically feel 90 and emotionally feel 6.

I don't work, have tried to join a few groups and clubs, but the enthusiasm is never there. I did yard work yesterday, and starting asking myself why, no one is going to appreciate it. No one is going to come home and say "wow, the yard looks great".

Still I struggle on, come here everyday, listen to the only people who really know what I am feeling. A friend once told me she knew how I felt because her husband is quite often gone for 6-12 months at a time in the military. REALLY! She was lucky I didn't tell her what I really thought of her at that moment. The truth, the feelings are here.

Hang on everybody, I don't think this horrible ride ever will get better. Oh sure I don't cry all day everyday, but am I ever going to feel happy again, I still don't think so. December 23, it will be two years. Have to go see if I can find that black Christmas Tree. Talk to you all later.

Dec 03, 2010
I am safe here
by: jules

We are all safe here - we can talk about our true feelings here - that is why we keep coming back - some of the people on this site I would count as my true friends - they understand where my "old" friends don't, can't really. I am the only one of us to have lost a husband.

I know what you mean about loneliness, I sometimes wonder what I am doing here - if I didn't get myself out there, I could easily sit at home very lonely. Most of the friends I have met here have their own families, and holiday times are rightly spent with them - but as you say, true friendship needs to be fostered and worked at - it will happen.

As I have said before, we need to learn to live a new life, one on our own, without our loves, because we are now different people, we can never be the same again, so we need to adapt to this new life, somehow.

I hope eventually we can all say we are content.

Take care
jules

Nov 30, 2010
We are All safe here
by: Zoe

You are right, you are safe here. In a world were we are alone, here we are alone together, a group from all over brought together by a common bond, the pain of our loss.

The crazy job distracts, it forces movement (I have the same type of job) but does it help. I don't think so, it creates an ability to make a space around yourself, to be detached, like you have to unhook to perform at work, so when you do hook back in, it is twice as bad.

We wear all different type of hats, it was just easier to juggle them with our beloved with us, there was a reason to do it because of them, your life together. Now you are just juggling in a circus you didn't want to be in. And being sick a double reminder, no one to make fun of your running nose or to go to the store and get cough medicine, or just to worry about you.

Know that we worry about you. I check the site, if I don't see something from one of the people i am used to seeing I do worry for them.

So keep coming, runny nose and all, we are here for you.

Zoe

Nov 30, 2010
Im safe here
by: Jen

Hi,
your right, It is the loneliest place in the world and that is a big big problem for me.

Your doing well, you may not think it but you are surviving. People who have not experienced this type of loss cannot understand what it is like and the intolerable pain. They even run away from us when we hurt, that has to be cause they don't know how to deal with it..

Keep going your doing well,

At least we all have each other here.

jen

Nov 29, 2010
We stand alone
by:

Judy,
You are totally safe here and can be pissed off if you like, not a problem. Christmas songs started today and hearing I'll have a blue blue Christmas without you....made me lose it (at work of course). The thing is these people, our "friends", have families of their own. As concerned as they appeared to be initially they are not there now. What we go through We go through solo.

The holidays bring us back to a place what was wonderful with our honeys and is imprinted in our minds. So if we get angry/sad because they are not here, it is to be expected. I just bought a 3.5' black Christmas tree (walmart) and plan on making a Black mourning wreath. If people are offended then they can kiss my grits; it is how I feel.

Having a son, he has the other tree upstairs. I cannot bear to look at it nor decorate it. I bought him his main gift on Friday and plan to shop no more, I cannot bear the Christmas music and forced merriment.

Say what you want we will Not judge you. I will admit that I want him back still and the 6th of Dec will be the One Year Mark.

Perhaps people can see the pain in our eyes regardless of how we hold ourselves, thinking that it is fooling people. They are uncomfortable with it so...Come here as often as you need and we will listen.
HH

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