I am safe here
I'm coming back to this site because it is the only place where I feel entirely safe and and can say exactly what I'm thinking or feeling without fear of being offensive to someone.
Having said that, let me tell you how I really feel. I just went through Thanksgiving, the anniversary of Barry's death and a long holiday weekend. No one called me, no one emailed me, no one. Not my "friends" from CA or FL, not a co-worker, even the one who professes to be my friend, no one from church, no one from the Legion, no one.
The single exception was my daughter who called on the anniversary day, sounding worried, because the day before I'd let my shell down with her and said some days it's hard to imagine going on. I scared her. One person in the world loves me. No one else. I am so utterly alone.
I suspect I might be being a little unreasonable since holiday weekends are so notoriously busy. But nonetheless, I feel abandoned by everyone. These are the places I tried to get out there and meet people, following the advice of the people who said you need to make new friends etc. You know, friends just don't grow on a bush in the back yard to be pulled off when you want one. It's hard to develop a new friendship, it takes time and a mutual willingness.
I think maybe it is just too much for me to handle grief, my crazy job, this awful loneliness and trying to develop a new friendship as well. Maybe I'm putting off negative vibes because frankly, I am not a happy person.
I have a big knot in my chest which might be congestion from this rotten cold I have, or more likely is the grief, unhappiness and loneliness I am carrying around and don't know how to alleviate.
Thanks for listening. I'd be crazy without you guys.