I am so lost without him !!!!!!

by Kimberly
(Wisconsin)

I don't know what to say!! I lost my bestfriend, my sweetheart my world, 69 days 2 hr's & 14min's ago. We we're together almost 30yr's!!! He missed our anniversary by one month & 4 days.He was diagnosed in June & passed away in April.I was his only caregiver & we wouldn't have had it any other way!!!!! I am all alone now, we only had each other. He was only 57 and I am 49. I don't know where to go from here. My daughter has informed me that her & my son have their own familys!!!! Which I totally understand , but they don't seem to understand that I need someone too . Kimberly .

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Dec 17, 2014
I am so lost without him!!!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband in May 2014 and for the struggles you are still going through. You may benefit from seeing a grief counselor for support.
Losing a spouse is so very painful that you feel you will never recover, or get through another day. No doubt many people will feel the impact of your suffering and express themselves in a manner that is not helpful.
One of the best ways forward is by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME. Something I learned on this site. The pain of our loss is so very crushing.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. 8 months ago and I still struggle at this time of the year without his support and company. It could take months to years for any of us to recover from grief. It is so hard to be festive at the moment. But if you can manage it try and make some special memories especially if you have a family. Taking the focus of one's loss does help for a while. If you spent time nurturing yourself you will find some measure of healing that will carry you through some rough times. There are no easy answers. Just knowing that other's are going through it with you will make you feel less alone. If you have a Spiritual Faith then reach out to God. He is the one carrying me through some rough days, and picking me up and helping me cope. You will eventually get your life back. You won't stay in this much pain all the time. In time we will all recover from grief. Don't stay isolated otherwise it can intensify your grief.

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Dec 16, 2014
lost the greatestman ever
by: Anonymous

My husband died in may2014 my life has been bad I don't him know how to go on without him He was the best father and husband ever I'm so depressed right know Everyday I get out of bed an cry most of the day Its so hard Friends tell life goes on but my life stop when my husband died I don't now what to do We had a very special love Now I feel so alone

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 16, 2014
lost without my husband
by: Dawn

Hi Doreen thanks for your message it really helps iam pleased that i came across this site i have been a bit down this past couple of days but i have pulled myself together to get on with another day, my daughter took me out today she has been brilliant i will slowly get through christmas and try and make the most of it with my family it just feels so raw at the moment but i will slowly get through it. Taking baby steps at the moment iam so sorry that your husband had the same disease as mine but at least i can communicate to you or on this site. Thanks Dawn UK

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 15, 2014
I am so lost without him!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

Dawn I am so sorry for your loss of your husband to lung cancer. This is such a hard road to travel alone. It is also the worst time of the year with Christmas round the corner. You probably won't feel like celebrating at all. With Festivity all around us it is so very hard to feel very festive. If you have children it is easier to keep Christmas alive for them. You could try and do it low key just so you keep your spirits up and care for your own needs at this time. Having to cook means you can still keep part of Christmas alive for those who will visit.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly lung cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days. before he died. His cancer was inoperable, incurable, aggressive, rare and terminal. His cancer started growing in his mid 20's and takes 40yrs. to develop. So he was slowly dying for 40yrs. It has been such a struggle for the first 6 months when I could do nothing but sit on the sofa and watch endless T.V. as a diversion from grief. The best way forward I learned on this site was by taking one day at a time. This is how I have coped. It is such a lonely place to be and an uphill struggle for some time. I can't wait for Christmas to be over. It holds no joy for me being without my husband. The magic has gone.
Having children does help even if they are all doing their own thing. I also have 3 children. All Adults and living their own lives, which is very hard being ALONE. Life will never be the same again for many years if ever. It is only Time that will heal all of us from this crushing loss.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 15, 2014
Choose Life
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
Yes we must choose life everyday
Right now it is so hard to breathe dream or anything
But I know that your love would want you to grieve as you must and then choose to Live
Life is precious
Don't stay in grief too long
And yes it dose feel like just existing
The reason we grieve so feet is because we loved so deeply ,,,

And Oh how I know the intense pain of my life partner of 35 yrs being suddenly gone
And I know that no one can even describe it unless you have walked through this hard lonely and dark place
But I will tell you look to the Author of Life and He will help you through one step at a time
I have been journaling and also reading some really good grief books
Grief is a passage way we must walk through back into Life

Back into your Life
Life is a choice everyday
Love in Him
Cindy
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 14, 2014
life without my husband
by: Dawn

Hi everyone i have just come across this site my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in april 2014 and in june 2014 he died it was si sudden we all couldn't believe it, he didn't die of the cancer he died of a aorta blood clot which killed all his major organs down we had been together 36 years and married for 31 years i have got 3 children which one lives at home, some days are harder than others i also just take one day at a time its going to be hard for all of us with christmas been round the corner me and my husband did everything together its so hard without him. I know they say time is a great healer but i don't think i will ever get used to him not been here with me, it's so hard at least on this site everybody iw in the same boat as me. Thanks Dawn UK
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 06, 2014
I am so lost without him!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

Everything you describe is what many of us have gone through. Not wanting to watch the same programmes as our spouse watched together. 2yrs.6 months on I still can't watch many of the TV that my beloved husband watched.
I remember many people describing that now is just EXISTING. Not living. I still feel this way many times as the mind/memories go back and forth. It is so hard to look forward. SO I DON'T. I can still only take one day at a time. My sister or daughter will plan ahead and I CAN'T. I have to tell them that I can't look beyond today.
I don't know when things will change. I FOCUS on today. I don't look ahead if I don't have to.
I also felt at the beginning of losing my husband. "OH God! just don't give me another 30yrs. of life. I won't know what to do with myself ALONE. Now my thoughts and feelings have changed. I don't think of surviving another 30yrs. I TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. And I make the most of each day, as much as I can.
I had pneumonia 6 weeks ago and couldn't breathe and thought I would stay breathless forever and never be able to get back to my old self. You know what. I feel so good now. I can breathe again. I continue to live for my daughter. She is my FOCUS. She needs me and I need her. But my worry is. "What if I lost her" What will I do? We can go on beating up on ourselves with worry. Let those thoughts COME and let them PASS. All part of grief.
I leave it all to God now and just TRUST HIM when I don't have the answers or the ability to think beyond loss. You won't be this way forever. FOCUS. Don't look too far ahead. Find a reason to live for ONE DAY AT A TIME. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself SPECIAL. this is building yourself up. You will also need to encourage yourself on those down days. Life will get better in time and You will get your life back in other ways that will help you survive from LOSS of a spouse. DON'T GIVE UP! We are all in this together. Best wishes.

Nov 06, 2014
I am so lost without him!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

Everything you describe is what many of us have gone through. Not wanting to watch the same programmes as our spouse watched together. 2yrs.6 months on I still can't watch many of the TV that my beloved husband watched.
I remember many people describing that now is just EXISTING. Not living. I still feel this way many times as the mind/memories go back and forth. It is so hard to look forward. SO I DON'T. I can still only take one day at a time. My sister or daughter will plan ahead and I CAN'T. I have to tell them that I can't look beyond today.
I don't know when things will change. I FOCUS on today. I don't look ahead if I don't have to.
I also felt at the beginning of losing my husband. "OH God! just don't give me another 30yrs. of life. I won't know what to do with myself ALONE. Now my thoughts and feelings have changed. I don't think of surviving another 30yrs. I TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. And I make the most of each day, as much as I can.
I had pneumonia 6 weeks ago and couldn't breathe and thought I would stay breathless forever and never be able to get back to my old self. You know what. I feel so good now. I can breathe again. I continue to live for my daughter. She is my FOCUS. She needs me and I need her. But my worry is. "What if I lost her" What will I do? We can go on beating up on ourselves with worry. Let those thoughts COME and let them PASS. All part of grief.
I leave it all to God now and just TRUST HIM when I don't have the answers or the ability to think beyond loss. You won't be this way forever. FOCUS. Don't look too far ahead. Find a reason to live for ONE DAY AT A TIME. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself SPECIAL. this is building yourself up. You will also need to encourage yourself on those down days. Life will get better in time and You will get your life back in other ways that will help you survive from LOSS of a spouse. DON'T GIVE UP! We are all in this together. Best wishes.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 06, 2014
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you Doreen UK and Cindy for your lovely comments. Cindy, do you really believe living with loss is possible, in the true sense of living? At the moment I think of it as existence, not living, and at my age I feel like I could have 40 of years of this existence left, not a pleasant thought.
Doreen - I know what you mean about endless TV, I put it on to take away the silence but can't watch anything that we'd of watched together so watching the most terrible trash TV you can imagine but it does help. I can't imagine going through another loss so soon so am really sad to hear about your father.
Thank you both again, I know we are alone, but it helps a little being all alone together x

Nov 04, 2014
Scared, alone but above all. Missing Him.
by: Doreen UK

Elaine you are going through the worst experience of your life having lost Rob to a sudden death. Often with a sudden death the body goes into shock and Denial and the pain of loss is UNBEARABLE. There is no medication for this pain and you just wonder how you can survive this.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2years 6 months ago tomorrow and this is the worst experience of my life. I went through all the same feelings and emotions you describe and wonder how I was going to survive.
I couldn't survive for 6 months and just sat on the couch and watched endless T.V. till my world changed. I took ONE DAY AT A TIME. I learned on this site.
Now I go through this grief again having lost my father 2 days ago. I don't know if I am coming or going. My world upside down at the moment. Having lost my husband and father now. Father's death Accepted and Expected due to his age of 93yrs. it is all the suffering and watching them die slowly which adds to the grief. You are still young, to go through such a loss. See a grief counselor if you find yourself still struggling as this is such a hard journey to go through. Know that this grief will get easier in time and you will recover, but it is so difficult for us all getting to this point of Healing and Recovery. We grieve with you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Nov 04, 2014
Elaine
by: Anonymous

Dear Elaine
There are no words to describe the depths of this intense pain of loosing your true love and life partner
I am soo sorry
I know this intense pain
It had been almost 4 months
And everyday it's so hard just to keep going

My words to you are few
I will be praying try journaling and get away ASAP for a break
Give yourself to this grief but do not let it hold you to long
Choose Life
Living with Loss is a process
You are not alone
Cindy

Nov 04, 2014
Scared, alone but above all missing him
by: Elaine

My lovely partner Rob (of 12 years) died on 30th September this year. I woke up at 1.30 in the morning knowing something didn't feel right and he was dead beside me - he was 55 and I'm 41. I don't think I can really still believe it because if I thought I was never going to see him again I couldn't survive. We work at home together all day and spent all our time together as I would rather be with him than anyone in the world - just having dinner, a glass of wine, watching Masterchef - nothing earth shattering but everything perfect. I don't know how to do this. I'm scared when I read that it doesnt sink in for about 3 months as its too frightening, I just want to remember him with love and pass the time until I see him again but at the moment the pain is killing me (I usually wish it literally would and it doesnt and I have to get through another day). Have read a lot of posts on here and while I know you've all been through it, at the moment I feel like its just me as I was the only person who knew the wonderful man that Rob was.

Oct 03, 2014
Shattered and suddenly single
by: Anonymous

I have just recently lost my beloved husband of 31 years
My whole life has been shattered and I am in the greatest transition of my life
Help

Cindy
Dayton Ohio

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ed note:
Dear Cindy,

This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Jul 22, 2014
It hurts more than i thought
by: Rakel

Hi Doreen, UK
I was overwhelm when I got a message from you.
You are right, every word , every sentence and message you have been told me.
I thank you for that. I read it 3x , cause I feel what you have felt before. How I wish it was already year 2025, maybe I could say that I have move on.
Hope someday i got a chance to meet you.
I feel so much pain inside.

Jul 21, 2014
My world Stops :(
by: Doreen UK

Dear Rakel, Welcome to this site, and I am so sorry for your loss of your husband and for your need to be here.
You say you wonder if this site will help you. All we can do is offer you suggestions, and our own testimony of what has helped us. One suggestion is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. We each have different life experiences and histories and so our individual needs will vary. BUT. We all know the UNBEARABLE PAIN OF GRIEF. To lose a spouse is so painful. None of us knew what to expect of grief and how it would CRUSH US. All of us say we felt as if we were alone going through this grief. Being on this site gives us a measure of comfort because we are all suffering in the same way. We feel less ALONE. But yet still ALONE as we have to go through our own grief journey.
I don't know what support structure you have in the way of family?
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and watched him die a slow painful death as I cared for him. I still have some very sad and sorrowful days, but they are less in duration. But I do feel my husband's presence with me as memories come back and I can almost hear and visualise a conversation. It is then I miss him more and get such a strong dose of reality that He is never coming back.
I do have strong Christian beliefs that help me go through life, and MY HOPE is that I will see my husband again and this helps me go on each day. In time WE will ALL RECOVER FROM GRIEF. It doesn't last forever. I pray that God brings you strength, comfort, and Peace through your grief journey.

Jul 20, 2014
My world stops :(
by: Rakel

Hi everybody hope I could join here, I just lost my 17 years husband , partner, father of my kids and my lovelife, just this July 01 , 2014. For now I dont know if all what ive heard or read will help me from griefing and loneliness. But as i read some of your words I feel Im not alone.
Im from the Philippines , hope you will welcome me here.

I feel so empty inside :(

Jul 10, 2014
I am so lost without him!!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

Tina I am sorry for your loss of your spouse. You said it well. No one can understand the loss of a spouse till they go through it. SO IGNORE all those well meaning PLATITUDES. People often don't know what to say so will say the first thing that comes into their heads that actually compounds one's grief. Choose your confidants carefully. You may get better support from a grief counsellor or grief group. I have 5 siblings and only one is supportive and always says the right things. She can't imagine what it is like to be in my world. But she often takes a mental journey in her own life with her husband and she can't bear what I am going through. She says the right things. Some people have it and some don't.
You will find it difficult to get out of bed. Nothing wrong with lingering a little longer. Enjoy the space you have. Make it work for you. After losing my husband to cancer 2yrs ago I suddenly discovered that I didn't lose my FREEDOM. I could write my own contract of how I wanted my life to be. If I didn't want to change it. I WOULDN'T. But I had the freedom to do it. It was like a breath of fresh air. FREEDOM. I needed a vacation but it didn't work out. My youngest daughter who lives at home has just come back from her first holiday ever to Thailand. She has now booked a vacation for myself and her to go to Antigua in November. I am actually looking forward to the break and just change of environment. It may be just what I need.
Start building yourself up by doing one good thing for yourself each day and build on this till it becomes a way of life. You can then draw on this when you lose your motivation to do anything or you are having a bad day. It is this nurturing of ourselves that is going to give us the foundation to getting through life each day. Grief assaults or bodies and it is so hard to get one's motivation back. I have days when I am motivated and days when I lose motivation to do anything. I passively accept whatever that day brings knowing that the next day will be different. Life is full of challenges. Some we like and some we don't. But we do learn more about ourselves when we honour how we feel and give ourselves the space to go through it. Loving ourselves back into life is like putting ointment on a wound to help it heal. I will always feel lost without Steve. When I am able to look at his Picture I am going to make a life size one and put one at the top of the stairs and one in his garage. I never want to forget this man who changed my life for the better and who I honoured in life and will honour in death till we meet again. You will get your life back in a new way, but till then TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Put as much love and encouragement in to yourself to help you get through each day. Our world will change in a new way. But it is making the best of each day that is going to help us through our grief journey. We have each other on this site. WE are not alone.

Jul 09, 2014
Missing my love
by: Tina

I also do not know how I found my way to this site but so glad that I did. I have found that no one really understands the complete devastation of the lose of a spouse. Family members that miss him as well, when I hear from them, are saying things like "he would want you to be happy" " just try to smile". I feel like they just have no clue and I have this burning desire to try to make them understand but feel like it would just take to much energy and stress me more than I can deal with. So in my extreme sadness and lack of desire to even get out of bed I have these issues to deal with which just frustrate me. People really don't understand the complete devastation of a lose like this. This site is helping me understand that and that helps me deal with such family members. I am walking through life like I'm outside of my body. Going through the motions but not really caring or feeling part of life and I don't want to be. I am typically a very strong woman but I am broken and not sure how long before I will be whoever I will be but I know I won't be me without him. I want my husband back and all our hopes and dreams.

Jul 06, 2014
I am so lost also
by: Alan

Kimberley, I am so sorry you have lost the love of your life. I often come to this site when I am at my worst and then I realise I am not alone. Because I feel so alone. Only those of us who have lost our partner can understand. It's been 17 months for me and the grief hits me just as hard now as it did when my darling died. We were together for 41 years, married for 40. Our new friends on this site know just what we are going through and they say such lovely things. It's so hard to talk about (this awful grief) that it seems I am two different people now. Other people (including friends and family) are scared of grief. They would rather say nothing and I have found that out. At the funeral just about everybody said they would contact me "when things settled down" and not to worry - "I am here for you". Well, I haven't heard from most of them.
You will have to travel this awful journey yourself, Kimberley but when you can, come to this site and our friends Doreen, Judith, Lawrence, Silver and others will talk to you and you will know other people from around the world are thinking of you and praying for you.
All the best Kimberley, Alan from Australia.

Jul 05, 2014
Lost
by: Judith in California

Dear Kimberly, I am truly sorry for your loss. You are early into your grief journey. You will find it the most horrible, emotional roller coaster journey of your life. Once we unwillingly join this journey, we don't ever get off. Zit bounces us back and forth with so many memories and regrets and it osses our very soul into depths we never thougt we'd go. Then onv day you find the journey has become less rough. That means you are somehow adjusting to your new normal. It's definitely lonely and can sometimes be very isolating. That's when you find you have to and must make a new beginning of the next chapter of your life. You ask yourself ..who am I anymore, what do I truly need?. What are my interest or do I pursue an old interest I didn't get to pursue during all those years before. You'll do this becasue during all those years before your life was solely wrapped around your mate like most of us did. It's now your sole choice as to what you do and how you will live. I pray God will give you the strength to reach the peace and acceptance part of this difficult journey. You will have moments of grief even after the peace and acceptance and will gradually learn what those of us who have gone before you have, and that is we never get over the loss we just learn to carry on anyway until we can be with them again.
It's been 3 yrs, 10 months for me.
Take care and write often. This site has helped me so much during my journey.

Jul 04, 2014
we are lost without our spouses
by: Anonymous--MI

I too, understand what each of you are saying and I wish for all of us peace and happiness. It has been more than 19 months for me of living without my dear husband. Only you who have experienced the grief of loosing a spouse can understand the pain and fear and loneliness we are going through. May the good Lord help us.

Jul 04, 2014
I am so lost without him !!!!!!!
by: Doreen UK

Kimberley I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved partner of 30yrs. You say he was diagnosed so I take it that he had cancer? Going through the cancer journey is one of the worst experiences of life. These early days of loss are the very worst. You just don't know how to go on, and you don't want to. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer 2yrs. ago. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days before he passed away. I still have flashbacks of him drawing his last breath and when he was laid out for family viewing. His body was hard and cold, and I was numb. The funeral directors closed the body bag and dropped my husband to the floor with a thud that went through me. I know he didn't feel it. But I did. This is the worst experience of our lives. Every day is an eternity of sadness and sorrow. My husband was 65yrs. when he passed. You are still so young.
I just can't get over what your daughter said to you about her and her brother having their own families. THIS is SO CRUEL TO SAY TO YOU. You do need family support and should receive this. Family support and Friends support is very vital at this critical stage of grief. One day your daughter will lose someone close and then realise how you feel. First thing to do is to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Then start building yourself up by doing good things for yourself each day as a way of nurturing yourself. Build this up each day. Every day. You will be building a good foundation for healing from grief. Find a counsellor if you are able to, and can afford this. You may be put in touch with grief groups around your area who could help you. Keep coming to this site and read all the other posts which will also support you. Don't suffer in silence. In time you will be able to build up your own social network of friends and be cared for this way by supporting other's in support of you.

Jul 04, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

HI Kimberly,
My deepest sympathy on losing your beloved sweetheart and husband, it’s a pain like no other.
BUT and I must stress this, it will get better although I’m sure you don’t believe me at present, your body and spirit can only take so much anguish and heartache before it starts to heal itself, it is such early days for you, so cry and cry.
Believe me I know, I was with my cherished sweetheart and wife for nearly seventy years and deeply, passionately in love the whole time, and there was no way I wanted to continue living without her and yet, here I am sending you this comment, still sad and lonely even after eighteen months, the tears still flow almost daily as I miss her so dreadfully, and YET as I said I am still here.
I live a frantic life to help me dull the pain, I have learned to play bridge, which wasn't easy at the age of eighty five,I write novels and compose music, have violin lessons every week and practice for many hours daily, anything, just anything to keep my mind occupied and not dwell on the fact that the first girl I ever kissed and the last, is not at my side anymore.
You say
”you don’t know where to go from here” well believe me you will be guided by your caring husband and all who love you, just take life one day at a time. Let the grief wash over you and remember everything you do which may seem strange, is normal for a person in such pain.
We have all stood in your shoes and it’s an agony like no other and remember to thank God for the wonderful thirty years you had of such love and passion, very few people get to experience it..
With my deepest sympathy.
Lawrence

Jul 03, 2014
Sending you love
by: Anonymous

Dear Kimberly
How blessed you both were to have each other for those wonderful years. I can only imagine the depth of your loss and pain. The advice on this site will help you through this difficult time. Remember the beautiful memories you shared and find a way to carry on the love that you two shared... contribute to a cause you both believe in, volunteer to help someone else who is also hurting or who needs your help, honor his hobbies or his passions or the things he wanted to see grow in the world. And know that you are not alone, you are surrounded by loving presences who feel and share your pain. And your loved one is there for you in spirit too. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

Jul 03, 2014
Sending you love
by: Anonymous

Dear Kimberly
How blessed you both were to have each other for those wonderful years. I can only imagine the depth of your loss and pain. The advice on this site will help you through this difficult time. Remember the beautiful memories you shared and find a way to carry on the love that you two shared... contribute to a cause you both believe in, volunteer to help someone else who is also hurting or who needs your help, honor his hobbies or his passions or the things he wanted to see grow in the world. And know that you are not alone, you are surrounded by loving presences who feel and share your pain. And your loved one is there for you in spirit too. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts snd prayers.

Jul 03, 2014
I am so lost without him---to Kimberly
by: Elisa

Dear Kimberly,

Somehow I don't know how, I found my way to this web site. I cannot believe that for me it's been almost 2 years since my husband of 44 years passed away, and when he took his last breath, a lot of my breath (life) went with him. WE knew each other 46 years; he was suddently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and lasted 10 months. I too, was his only caregiver, trying everything to keep him alive, but that disease doesn't ever have a good ending.

I miss him so much every second of every single day and night. We had no children, so I am very alone. My family thinks I'm OK, they are very selfish and don't understand this painful grief that is the worst anyone can suffer. It pierces your heart, your mind seems in a fog, I have many panic attacks, and each morning when I awake from a restless sleep of constantly waking up, and for that instant, I remember, he is not with me any more. Plans gone. Life ended, just like that. Memories are wonderful, but I chase them, it hurts too much to think about what was and what will never be again.

I do not know what to say to you except, when you want to keep writing here. I write often, and I write to some of the women who wrote on this website the same time as I started. Several of us email each other almost on a daily basis, whY?
Because only WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

I am sorry for your loss of your dear husband, and I will pray that like me, somehow you get through each day. I do not know to this day how I have lasted this long without his presence, his love, his everything. OUr worlds are forever changed; people tell me it gets better, I can't and won't lie to you Kimberly....for me, it will never get better, I want him back.

My love and friendship to you, Elisa
I hope you will post some other message so that I know you saw this.

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