I am starting to remember things I had forgotten the year my husband & Mom died.

by Gina
(Chicago)

My husband died March 23. 4 months later my Mom died. I was devastated by the loss of my husband. We were financially almost bk & facing foreclosure when he died due to him being disabled & so many medical bills. My son was in college 21 & my 16 year old daughter was a handful with an older boyfriend & lots of drama. The entire year is now like one long bad dream. I had family & friends to help me, but looking back now I don't know how I did all I did.
Now I'm told I had conversations & saw people at the wakes I have no memories of. I'm starting to remember bits & pieces of things that were said that are just floating in my mind. Some time frames & order of events I'm still unsure of. I believe somewhere along the line I had a nervous breakdown. It has been 13 months since Mom died. 17 months since my husband died. In the year he died, besides their deaths, I had countless fights with my daughter, worried about my son dropping our of school, had to deal with lawyers, insurance agents, trust funds none of which I was familiar, I had skin cancer removed from my once attractive face leaving me with a scar & puffy eye, I found a breast lump (benign) had a dozen car & home issues, packed my house of 9 years up & had an estate sale, moved to a town house. All while grieving, I continued to work only took the designated 3 days for each. I called off 2 or 3 times the entire year. Everyday I woke up crying & came home from work crying. I got very emotionally involved with my closest brother inlaw on top of everything. He was having troubles in his marriage & missing his brother my husband, we were both heartbroken & fell in love. Never intentional all surreal & never consummated (nothing physical) just a pure caring love that was escalating until we ended it. In a way it is another death, because I lost him & his family. My heart cannot seem to heal any of this. I have not been able to accept losing them. I have acquired an obsession. I obsessively email my brother inlaw. Some lovely things, some hateful, all from the pain of losing all of them. I am seeing a shrink, on antidepressants & anxiety pills. I'm only 52 but I don't want to live with out my husband. Losing my brother inlaw Has broken what was left of my heart. In between this I rocked my mother like a baby while she died and after a year I am just now feeling the grief of losing her. It was just all too much. I must add I am not nor have I ever been a person to have any kind of affair. There is/was extreme guilt, shame & denial in the relationship that rose between my brother inlaw & myself.

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Jul 29, 2013
In one week I lost my mom, my daughter is a drug addict kicked her out and I had my 7th abdominal surgery I had a nervous breakdown
by: Kristine

My mother was my best friend. I was caring for her at my home during her brain cancer treatment for 9 months. I had to have another surgery 5 in less than 2 years. My mom died when I was in the hospital. Then daughter was sent away at the same time due to stealing with her drug issues. I was hospitalized because I could not deal with all the stress. I suffer from depression and anxiety any way. I just mentally could not handle my life. I go to therapy and see a psychologist who has now labeled me bipolar what a joke. No one can handle all this in a week and be fine. They totally medicated me with bipolar anti-psychotic drugs. Let people go through the grieving process don't label us for bad things. I pray everyday to get passed this and learn to live again. Like you have said it takes time and everyone does it differently. I send all good thoughts and prayers to all of you and I feel your pain. 7/29/13

Aug 21, 2011
I am praying for you, Anne
by: Anonymous

I am hurting for you so badly. You have gone through so much in such a short period of time that you haven't had a chance to process one thing before another hits and sometimes 2 or 3 or more hit at once. It's been going on with me for over 5 years now and it's just piling one on top of another. I only wish I could help you but I can let you know that God has kept me through it all and I know that there will be a turning point. I am going to keep you in my prayers and know that there's a rainbow waiting for you very soon to turn all the darkness into light. My love

Aug 19, 2011
You are not alone in this
by: Sue

I am just sending you big hugs..... You have said and done all the things we have said and done in our grief. You have my love, and understanding and respect............ you will get through this. I am 5 months down the long, hideous, rock strewn road of grief and I am also just hanging in there.
Sue xxxx

Aug 19, 2011
Grasping at straws
by: Zoe

You know is funny I was telling a story today about something that happened with John before he went in the hospital for the last time. I didn't remember it until today. In order to survive this kind of loss we shut down, we have to, it is too much otherwise.
The closeness you had with your brother is natural. You both had suffered a huge loss so you grabbed onto anything or anyone you could to steady your footing.
Plus you are dealing with a teenage girl (having raised one all I can say is now I know why tigers eat their young) But the same girl walked me through everything when I lost John. She has her own grief to deal with, and she is doing it with raging hormones and emotions going ten different directions.
Guilt is part of grief. I am devastated that John is gone, and John is gone, when I rage at the universe for stripping the one person who was mine from me is John feeling my rage? When you close your eyes and sleep without crying the first time, is that loosing a part of them. No, I think even we reach a point of exhaustion to where we need to just shut down.
I cannot imagine only taking three days off after John died, you are a very strong woman and I admire your strength and your focus to take care of your family.
the walls start shaking and the roof starts falling in the middle of the night, when there is no one around. When it does come here, we do not judge, we understand and we are here to listen.
and when all else fails
one breath, one step one day at a time

Aug 19, 2011
Guilt and grief walk side by side...
by: Anonymous

Gina,

You needed someone to lean on and that person ended up being the one that you could relate to His Brother. You never did the nasty with him so set your mind at ease. Even if you did, you were not in your right mind (none of us are). We are not here to judge, There are enough people judging you now I am sure. People love to tell us how to live our life and what we should feel. But until they have walked a mile in our moccasins they haven't the right.

I am just now navigating my way out of a fog that had a grip on me for a year and a half after My Love died. It was a Dark Life that I lived and it was navigating me through a painful grief that we all must get through. Please continue to come here even if only to read our stories. There are many stories of grief that would benefit you. Knowing that you are not alone helps and if you want to know the truth you are not the first to write of that particular situation.

There is enough guilt in grief. Do the right thing now. It is never too late and find compassion elsewhere. And here is a good place to start.
HH

Aug 19, 2011
We're All In This...........
by: TrishJ

Gina~
I think for the first 6 months we are on auto pilot~just going through the motions~not having to put too much thought into anything.
I'm only at the 8 1/2 month mark since my husband passed away. My mother is very ill and I have lost 4 relatives in the past 6 months(two I was very close to). My husband's best friend (and mine) was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Gene did the eulogy at my husband's funeral. He just turned 59. I can't deal with this right now. So much has happened. My mind feels like a befuddled mess.
I have little recollection of my husband's funeral. My children did most of my talking for me.
I think I'm making progress. Do we become numb to the pain after going through so much in a short time?
I have drama in my family too. I was staying with my sister and brother-in-law (out of financial necessity) for 6 months. My brother-in-law said horrific things about my husband....I came to learn that they have spent almost 1/2 of my mother's money. I refused to stay with them one more minute. I took 1/2 of my retirement money and bought a condo. I will make it somehow. I don't know if I'll ever speak with them again. It all just seems so intense without my husband here. He was the one I could always count on, always vent to. He understood me like nobody else.
I depend on this site to keep my sanity. We welcome you here. Come here often and say what's on your mind. We don't judge. We are all humans in pain. You didn't intentionally enter into an emotional affair with your brother-in-law. I hope nobody is blaming you only. It takes two and you were very vulnerable. Your brother-in-law should've known better.
Follow our motto~one breath, one step at a time. Everyone grieves differently and with some the grief process takes a very long time. I think given all the drama in your life.....you will need more time. It's hard work but we can do it.

Aug 19, 2011
Remembering things
by: Judy

Gina,

I want you to think of this site as a place where you can come and say anything without fear of judgment or censure.

All of us have gone through grief and are in varying stages of recovery. All of us (I certainly include myself here) have done and said things that were way outside who we normally are and what we would normally do, things which we regret doing and maybe are ashamed of our behavior. Grief is not normal and you are not normal when you are deep in grief.

Forgive yourself for things you did in the past and look forward. You can't change the past, you can only control what you do in the future and how the past experiences impact your actions in the future. Learn and grow from them, don't let them color everything you do from now on.

Best to you as you recover,

JM

Aug 19, 2011
Remembering things
by: Judy

Gina,

I want you to think of this site as a place where you can come and say anything without fear of judgment or censure.

All of us have gone through grief and are in varying stages of recovery. All of us (I certainly include myself here) have done and said things that were way outside who we normally are and what we would normally do, things which we regret doing and maybe are ashamed of our behavior. Grief is not normal and you are not normal when you are deep in grief.

Forgive yourself for things you did in the past and look forward. You can't change the past, you can only control what you do in the furure and how the past experiences impact your actions in the future. Learn and grow from them, don't let them color everything you do from now on.

Best to you as you recover,

JM

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