I am without her


My wife died three months ago today. She was only 53 years old. I am extremely sad and inconsolable. I am without her and I will always be without her. She is not coming back. She was the most courageous loving person I have ever known. She battled leukemia for over ten years only to have a secondary cancer take her life. Life is so unfair. I miss her terribly. I miss her presence, her laugh, her smile, her being. These last three months have been like one uninterrupted cloudy day - a haze of endless hours. I am not suicidal but I would welcome death. I know I am feeling sorry for myself and that’s ok. My wife brought meaning to my life and now that meaning is gone. Our kids would be hurt to hear me say that but that’s how I feel. I love my children and I know they need me and love me. Having them has helped me survive this long but my life still feels meaningless without my wife. The pain never stops. I cry often and I have a hard time to control it if I am in a meeting or having a conversation. I attend a support group and I see a counsellor and just when I think I may be getting better – WHAM! I am so lost and so alone. I am so empty. I know others have gone through this and that knowledge does provide some sort of solace, knowing you’re not the only one but the pain is still so much to bear.

Comments for I am without her

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Aug 02, 2014
Suffering for a Reason
by: Bill in Carolina

Thank you, Doreen.
I am sustained by two things: First, my faith that all things are in accordance with God's purpose and, second, the knowledge that almost always one spouse is left behind to suffer, that I am that spouse, and that I am suffering so that my dear wife would not have to. This understanding gives my suffering a reason and makes it incredibly easier to bear.

Aug 02, 2014
Do not despair
by: Doreen UK

Bill I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, and the thought of not having her with you to celebrate your 55yrs. together.
You will find great strength in the Word of God. It is God who goes before us in our grief and helps us to bear it. As the Bible says. SORROW. But not as those who have no Hope.
I am happy to hear that you are able to move forward. It gives many of us Hope that we will recover from our grief.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago and I am coping but do have days of missing him terribly. My husband died of Lung cancer caused by working with asbestos in the workplace. A deadly material that is incurable, inoperable, and always terminal. It also takes 40yrs. to develop. He died of an Industrial disease. His environment killed him.
May God continue to comfort you in the days ahead and give you His Peace.

Aug 01, 2014
Do not despair
by: Bill in Carolina

My dear wife died nine months ago of cigarette-induced lung cancer; today would have been our 55th wedding anniversary. I still grieve, but I can see that the terrible pain is slowing diminishing. Toward the end of her life, a friend sent me the following: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deut. 31:8) I derive comfort from this, and also from recognizing that, except in unusual cases, one spouse must survive the other. In a sense I'm suffering so that she doesn't have to, which is how I would want it.

Aug 01, 2014
Feeling Lost
by: Doreen UK

Phoebe many people feel numb after losing their spouse. It can go from feeling numb to being in denial. (can't believe this has happened). It is the shock of losing your spouse that causes the numbness. Seeing a grief counsellor can be very beneficial to many. It is also a time for YOU, to talk of your feelings. sometimes other professionals e.g. nurse practitioner and doctor just offer clinical solutions. I got this yesterday from my nurse. to go dancing or just getting out there in the world and see what it has to offer. Unless someone has gone through this they won't even understand. 3 weeks is too soon to feel anything other than what you are going through. You will have days ahead that will be difficult but they won't all come together. Each day is different and gives you a breathing space in between those difficult days. Your son's grief over losing his father will be different to yours so whilst he will understand grief he may not fully understand your type of grief losing a husband. The best way forward I learned on this site is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he died. The cancer journey was so horrendous. I could not function at all for 6 months. I absorbed myself in TV and let the grief flow through me. I was angry, confused about how to move forward. I have since discovered that I didn't lose my FREEDOM. I can do anything I want to at any time, and do nothing if that is how I feel. This was one way I nurtured myself back into life. I feel different now, but I know I will have bad grief days every now and then, as memories bounce back and forth. I also have a strong belief in God and He is the one who I look to for Help, and strength to go on each day. Just honour your own feelings. This site will help you as you share the experiences of others and how they are coping, or not coping and you will also be able to support them. This is how we heal. I am sorry for your loss.

Jul 31, 2014
Feeling lost
by: Phoebe

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I feel numb and wondering if everyone feels the same. He suffered with COPD for 11 yrs and I held his hand til his last breath. Wish I had someone who understood my feelings. I'm lonely , sad and angry at the world. It would be nice to chat with someone with similar feelings. I have a 32 yr old son living with me. He has a girlfriend and I don't like to confide in him all the time. He's also grieving. If you like someone to share your feelings email me at allistonphoebe@live.ca.

Jun 11, 2014
Where did my mind go?
by: Bill in Carolina

These accounts by others who are suffering as I am were extremely helpful. Thanks to all of you.
My precious wife died eight months ago of cigarette-induced lung cancer after 54 years of marriage and I am suffering the most extreme pain I have ever experienced. The loneliness is almost unbearable. I get away to be with people at every opportunity, and that helps. But when I return to our empty house, the loneliness and pain are so terrible that at times I feel as though I'm losing my mind. My faith is the greatest help. I would not have the strength or the will to go on without it.

May 28, 2014
when will it end!
by: Anonymous

i lost my soulmate to cancer nearly a year ago now,it is still so painful,and every day is a challenge.I miss her so much,but realise that she is gone,and for me this is my life now.I hate the loneliness,and the anger i feel when i see couples older than us still enjoying life.The only comfort i have is that ,as far as i know she didnt suffer,as it took her life in only ten days,with no warning that she was even ill.I try to convince myself that it will get better,in time,but i just dont think it will,i will never find that happiness we had again,and most of the time dont think i could even try.Today was really bad,as my daughter has offered to come and help clear Sues clothes,seems like a farewell,but it must be done.

May 22, 2014
I am without her
by: silver

I am with you in pain.I was married to my love for 33 yrs.Next week it has been 3 yrs he has gone.I went through that phase where I suddenly realized he was truly gone and was not coming back no matter how much I wished it.Like you I miss his smile,his sense of humor; even our little fusses.I still have those nano-seconds when I turn around and expect to see him there in his chair.I told someone at church that the thing I missed the most was just knowing he was there or would be soon.He was 62 when he died and I would have been 62 three months later.I was going to retire so we could spend time together doing things and we didn't get that chance.He had bad emphysema and got pneumonia.He spent his last days in ICU on a respirator.While under they found a lump in one of his lungs(prob.cancer)He had already had 2 bouts with bladder cancer and he would not have been able to have surgery or radiation because of his lung capacity of less than 40%.I feel that GOD took him home so he wouldn't have to suffer any longer.I think it was also to save me any more anguish because I couldn't change things.Being a nurse I, somehow felt that I should be able to help him heal.I have told you this so that you can understand that over time it does get easier to bear the pain.It will never go away.I still cry occasionally but not as hard or as long.I will always miss him.Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve.It's different for everyone.I also,for several months,felt that I would welcome death if it came...My children called everyday or came over to check on me(not that I responded very much at first--see my father die 17 months before my husband and my mother 11 months before)My children were worried that I would do as my mother and just sit down and die a few months later.I also went to counseling for a short while.Anything you do that helps you should do.I make myself go out at least 2 times a week to get out of the house and not just sit.I have finally begun to do my walking again.Allow yourself time..how much varies. You will always have memories and eventually the wonderful ones will help. I find talking about him to others that knew him helps keep him alive.I KNOW that one day I will see him again and that keeps me going.I will keep you in my prayers. GOD send you strength and peace.

May 12, 2014
I am without her
by: Doreen UK

Just wanted to let you know that God can absorb our anger when we can't make sense of it and don't really want to be angry with God. It is just there as part of our grief.
I was angry with God after losing my husband 2yrs. ago to cancer. I prayed for healing and waited for my miracle that didn't come. I couldn't help my anger. it was just there. My anger has gone and I didn't do a thing but talk to God and let him know how I felt about losing my husband and how much it hurt. God knows we are angry with him and why and he draws it out of us so He can HEAL US FROM OUR GRIEF.
May God come close to you right now and lift you up from this burden of grief and bring you His Comfort and Peace.

May 12, 2014
I am without her
by: canada

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. There is something about realizing that you are not the only one. I am not sure that I would call it comfort as none of us are at all comforted by someone esle's loss but it does calm me down a bit. Ronnie put it very well that it does make me realize that I have not been singled out and that others are experiencing the same thing. Why should I think that I or anyone else in my family are immune to the tragedies of life. I am going to keep on participating in recovery groups, meeting people in the same circumstances and spend as much time as possible with my children. I will also continue to pray for guidance and strength although I am angry with God right now. My life will never be the same but I will learn to live without her and keep a special place for her in my heart. Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

May 11, 2014
I know how you feel.
by: Ronnie

My wife of 30 years passed away 28/11/2013 from a brain haemorrhage. One minute talking about our sons new job, five hours later switching of her life support. I feel the same as you I would welcome death, but we have a duty to live on for the rest of our family. I can't tell you how long the pain lasts, I am almost six months in to this nightmare and still feel very angry and confused, the sadness is sometimes overwhelming. When I go to my wife's grave I have a look at the other headstones, the cemetery is full of people around her age and younger, it helps slightly, but most of all it makes me feel I'm not been picked on for losing her at what I feel was a young age. I'm so sorry for your loss and unfortunately am on the same journey. Hopefully we will both come out the other side, and maybe stronger for it.

May 10, 2014
by: lawrence

Thank you for opening your heart as you did, but I am way ahead of you is this grieving process.
It is fifteen months since my precious wife died and I am able to offer the bereaved, hope that they will come through this nightmare and start living a normal, or as near to, without the person they love.
At the beginning I was distraught and couldn’t face the few years I had left without her and I cried and cried and slowly my body and soul reacted and the pain and overwhelming agony eased.
I still get a jab of pain and longing when I see a couple kiss or just holding hands but that’s to be expected when you have, for most of your life, had a loving companion to hold and kiss and at times cry on their shoulder.
You talk about dating sites I feel it’s much too early.
My lovely wife was the first girl I ever kissed when she was fourteen and the last when I closed her eyes and I kissed her for the last time when she was on her deathbed when I thanked her for the seventy wonderful years we shared.
I have no desire to hold or kiss anybody else.
I live a frantic life now as I try to forget my grief and heartache.
I have joined a bridge club and play four times a week and it was very difficult to learn,I am a musician and have started having violin lessons again, I gave up playing at the age of fifteen when I saw this beautiful girl at our youth club and decided there and then I would rather hold her than my violin any day and the next seventy exquisite years proved it was a wise decision.
After she died I took it out of its case, dusted it down and started playing again and am now much better than I ever was.
I write books which is very therapeutic and suggest you should try and do the same.
I have joined a social club and meet fellow widowers and we commiserate with each other.
In other words, Art, I will do anything but stay in that empty lonely house, it’s bad enough in the evening and facing the terrible walk up the stairs to an empty unwelcoming cold bedroom, but as I tell myself grief is the price we pay for the wonderful passion we had and I thank God daily for sharing her with me.
So as you can see, there is light at the end of the grief tunnel and you will emerge battered and bruised as we all do.
So, keep on crying and just wait for the agony to ease.
With deepest sympathy

May 09, 2014
What your experiencing is the same for me
by: Art

Lawrence, I lost my wife of 36yrs 6 months ago from cough that turned out to be a super bug resistant to anything. 6 weeks in the Hospital and my wife was sedated and paralysed trying to get every ounce of Oxygen into her bloodstream. We sacrificed everything to in raising our children and was expecting to be able to retire and be a couple again. Then it happened. I felt robbed, cheated, and anger all of which I kept in. I have also had suicide thoughts as well and have wanted to put an end it all. Like you I also welcome death and no longer fear it. Some days it cant get her fast enough.

That said my common sense kicks in. What kind of legacy would my kids have. I know my wife would not approve of that kind of behaviour so I strive on. I am a faithful man and have turned to the word for comfort but even that comes short on some days.

As recently as yesterday I was a total wreck all day. Busting out in tears sometime even howling when crying. It usually does not last long 5 to 10 minutes then I try to get busy. It does not take much to set it off. A song, smell, clothing, or just looking at another couple our age. I get envious and then have a little anger spat. I can not even at 6 months begin to think about getting rid of her stuff. For me I am not there yet. Right around the 4th month things got harder for me. Then about the end of the 5th and 6th I started to act a little more normal and not totally dysfunctional as I was through month 1-3.

I forced myself to get on one of those dating sites trying to force myself to realize that I am single again and accept that fact. Not sure that was a good idea. I cant find anyone good enough that can even come close to what she was. So I have gotten off of that and realized I am not ready for that kind of thing.

Anyway my friend you are not alone. Every one tells me that it gets easier. So far I am not sure I see that yet although a little progress has been made. For me that thought of being alone, doing all of the work she did, not having your wife there to talk to, cry on, and just snuggle when you feel like crap is what kills me. One word of advice is DO NOT MAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS FOR AT LEAST 1 YR or LONGER. You mentally messed up and not think straight. Do not sell the house, get married right away, etc.... Guys like us are vulnerable and you have to think clearly or talk to some one you trust.

Not sure if any of this makes sense but I thought I would at least share.


May 09, 2014
Without Her
by: Anonymous---MI

Your post brought sadness to my heart for you as I know how you feel The loss of our beloved spouse is a brutal and shocking pain. I know the feelings that you describe. My husband of 43 yrs died of Sudden Cardiac Arrest 18 months ago and my world came crashing down. He left at 10 a.m. and at 4:00 that afternoon his life ended and his spirit was up, away and into heaven. The shock and sheer numbness is the body's way of helping us to cope in early hours and days but at times I feel I am still in shock; our minds sometimes shifts to moments of our feeling this could not possibly be true; to loose our mates is having our hearts torn apart. I have two grown children and their spouses and 4 wonderful grandkids who all loved my husband so very much. We lean on each other for support and love to get through this journey of grief. But, God is the only way that I know that I will keep going and face another day. I have the promise from God that I will see and be with my dear husband again. I look forward to heaven; worshiping Jesus and seeing my love again. One day at a time is all we need to focus on; one step at a time. My tears are still flowing almost every day and I miss my husband more than I can say. I have learned to cry when I have to; be alone when I want and I realize that I don't have to talk to people about anything I don't feel comfortable with. We all handle our grief differently and this journey will take as long as it takes. Don't push yourself or set a time limit to be better. It is a process as you will hear and read over and over again. I try to keep busy doing work around my house and helping others to get me though the days. May God give you His powerful grace and mercy in the days ahead. We all know how you feel and pray for you as we go on this journey together.

May 09, 2014
without her
by: Lawence

You echo the sentiments of every grieving widower, there are no words to describe the overwhelming anguish and heartache of knowing you will have to spend the rest of your life without the one person you loved more than life itself.
As you so clearly said it “the pain never stops”, but you mustn’t try to control your crying, its nature’s way to help your body and soul recover from your grievous loss, so cry and cry without any embarrassment.
Three months is very early days in this grief process.
It is now fifteen months since my own beautiful precious wife died after being together for nearly seventy years and like you I didn’t want to live without her, and yet I am here giving you sympathy, and I hope solace, to show that the agonizing pain and sorrow does slowly ease and I know you won’t believe me at present, but as the weeks and months pass, you will slowly emerge from this nightmare and just as your lovely wife would have wanted for you, take the first stumbling steps to as normal a life can be without your love.
You are obviously computer literate so write a book about the passion you had for each other, if for no other reason so that your children can see how deeply in love you both were.
You have joined a web site of people, like yourself in agony at losing a loved one.
Read all the stories and I hope they help you as much as they did me when I was so distraught after my sweet wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying.
It was Christmas Day, turkey in the oven family all together for dinner and she just slipped away.
As you say “Life isn’t fair” but it’s not meant to be, it’s just LIFE.
Take great care of yourself; you WILL come through it as we all do.
With deepest sympathy,,

May 09, 2014
I am without her
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved wife at such a young age to one of the worst diseases on earth. CANCER is the scourge of diseases. Few have any remission from this disease.
You expressed yourself well. By giving yourself PERMISSION to feel what you need to feel even if this be feeling Sorry (sorrow) for yourself. This is not the same as self pity. self pity MUST NEVER be used in grief. It has only been 3 months for you which is far too soon to be starting to feel anything other than how you feel now.
I lost my beloved husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer working with Asbestos. A tumour which took 40yrs to grow into a full incurable, inoperable, aggressive tumour. which is always terminal. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died 2yrs. ago. I ECHO the way you feel. The full realization that our loved one is never coming back. The LONELINESS and EMPTINESS is crushing. It doesn't matter how much living you put into your days every day it doesn't make one feel any better. It is just doing what we have to do.
Most if not every one of us who has lost a spouse say the same thing. They don't want to carry on living. Despite having children. It is not wrong for you to say that your wife gave meaning to your life. I guess she even gave VALUE also to your life, as you did to hers. This is what Spouses do for each other. Nothing to feel bad about. It doesn't mean you love your children less. You love them differently. It is meant to be this way. I am glad you have a grief group and also see a counsellor. Both very positive outlets for you.
The healing from counselling is so slow and can be so very painful. Don't think if you feel worse that counselling is not working. IT IS. VERY MUCH SO. One day you will wake up and feel different. This is the start of the healing process. You won't feel that RAW PAIN. The way you feel now makes most of us feel as if we will be this way forever and nothing will change. BUT IT DOES. I took to the couch for 6 months and couldn't do anything. I nurtured myself back into life from grief. Still struggling and probably will for a long time. I MISS MY HUSBAND SO MUCH. I always will. He was the Essence of my life. He was my SUNSHINE. I would have given my life for him. IT HURTS. ALL THE TIME. Despite living as best as I can each day. It is not easy having to re-build our life again. Having children will give you the blessings you need each day to make daily living easier and better. May God come close to you at this difficult time and lift you up from this hard time of grief you are facing. May God give you His Comfort and His Peace.

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