I call bull of the "dont' deal with it" part

The deaths in my life started at when I was at a young age (about 11 years old), with a cousin that was murdered when I was still in primary school, followed by my brother dying in a car accident, then another niece dying in a car accident and then many other family members eventually dying of alchol abuse, cancer, old age, domestic abuse etc.

All of the above deaths - I've told myself, just move on, move forward, just go on.

Now, at the age of 30, my life feels like it's falling to pieces. I am petrified of losing any one close to me. Of something bad happening to them. The fear cripples me and I'm left holding on for dear life to all relationships even those that are detrimental to me. For example with an ex.

So no - my advise it NOT to NOT deal with it. Go see a therapist, deal with it, DO NOT push it under the mat becuase it will effect you somewhere in life. Get over it now and get the tools to heal yourself.


Comments for I call bull of the "dont' deal with it" part

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Feb 06, 2014
It's talking about RECENT multiple loss!!!
by: Anonymous

I think the "deal with it" means RECENT multiple losses. not over the course of a lifetime losses, THAT needs therapy,etc. Me, I've experienced 5 deaths of loved ones in four months, including my cat, the fifth we found out today, AND my mother was just diagnosed with leukemia. i always "deal with" my childhood problems including my earlier stuff, for many years in therapies. but for once i'm not "just dealing with it." i can't. not now. it's impossible for any human being. you can't "just deal" with five deaths and mom being diagnosed with leukemia in only four months. to do so is insane. trust me I've tried to "deal with it" the last few months and it doesn't work. i will at some point, I'm sure this year when I've recovered. but not you or any red-blooded human being could "just deal" with multiple losses such as these in such a short period of time. the post is talking about RECENT multiple losses.

Feb 06, 2014
Dealing with Death
by: Doreen Uk

Dear Anonymous thank you for your post and input which was filled with wisdom. You approached your input from a perspective that many of us can't process at the time but will make sense further along our grief journey.
You evidently speak from a Spiritual perspective which is why I understood what you were saying.
God actually taught me not to hold on to anything too tightly because He owns it all and can prize this from my hand at any time. Which is why when my husband was dying of cancer I was holding him so tightly I would not let him go. Until I was able to hold him loosely knowing he belonged to God first, was the time he died when I released him to the Universe. I am learning to now enjoy the gifts of home, and family but hold them loosely so that I realise I don't own them and won't allow to be possessed by possessions or be possessive of people I love, and care for. All these feelings we have stem from insecurity. WE cling to things and people to feel secure. I have a Faith that I will see my loved ones again according to Faith and this helps me have HOPE as I go on each day. But grief is still a hard journey. I change my FOCUS and this is how I am able to go on only ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is my experience and respect each person's grief journey and how they express this. I wish you all recovery from grief

Feb 05, 2014
Dealing With Death
by: Anonymous

I pray you are taking your own advice.

I'm sorry for anyone who has gone through so much loss. No matter how much we want to avoid loss it's going to happen if we live . Death is a part of life. Some come early and in bundles like what has happened to you and some come sporadically like loosing our mates or a child or parents. Some are lost because they were sick with incurable diseases, others taken by senseless acts of violence by the devil in people, and some are taken by their choice of doing drugs and drunk drivers and yet some are taken by their own selfish choice of suicide. No matter in what circumstance they leave us or we leave them , we, or our remaining family members , will be heartbroken and grieve . Then they must move on and make the best of their lives until it's their time to leave this earth.

I have honestly thought we should teach children "Dying" in grade schools. That way we all maybe could deal with it better or at least be more accepting of the fact.

We have to learn to give up holding on to things and people because it's all temporary . The only thing we can do is love them but give them the freedom to leave us or pass on when it's time. We can then hold them dear to our hearts with memories after they go. And we hope we made some friends who will be supportive and understanding and helpful to our remaining loved ones.

Feb 05, 2014
I can bull of the "dont" deal with it" part
by: Doreen UK

What wisdom and good advice. Thank you for your post. I agree with you. You were young at the time 11yrs. old, and you couldn't process death, dying, and loss. You acted as a child would by repressing this and not dealing with it. How could you. You would have needed the guidance of your parent's. At your age you still needed nurturing, and if no one in the family talks about the loss how are you going to process death and dying, and your feelings and emotions. I repressed much all my life and in my 40's it all came crashing down and I went into therapy. Best decision of my life. I have grown in ways I didn't think possible and resolved my losses of the past. I have healed to the degree that I was able to deal better with the death of my husband to cancer 21 months ago.
Since my husband died I have this panic stricken feeling of losing other people from my life. This is a strong part of our grieving process and it shouldn't take over our life. But should disappear in time. Therapy works if you get the right person. If it doesn't work I say find another therapist till you get the right one for you. It is not easy dealing with LIFE, let alone death and dying. These are the most painful things in life one has to endure.
I empathise with how you feel so frozen with fear about losing other people from your life. You will probably find that many of us have this fear also. I think it is a common feeling and experience of grief. But more so to people who have shoved their pain down so they don't feel it. Therapy is more painful when the painful feelings come to the surface. BUT. when these feelings with all the fears and memories come out you will feel cleansed and whole. You will feel so good and FREE. You will relate better and not take this baggage into new relationships. A lot of what you feel will almost evaporate and you don't have to anticipate feeling this bad again. It won't happen. Healing will take place inside you. God taught me something. "Don't hold on to anything tightly. Hold it loosely, because I could prize it from your hand if I need to. I am learning not become attached to things and even people. This became a reality when my husband died. I was clearing out his clothes and belongings and felt sad and painful knowing he could take nothing with him. He left it all behind. I had to clear over 30yrs. of collections from his garage. What a painful task to have to perform. I learned that material possessions can come and go but forging relationships is what is important. And we eventually will lose relationship when people leave our life through divorce or death. It helps us evaluate our lives and how we move forward. With Faith and Hope we can conquer our fears.

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