I cannot believe that I don't have a mom anymore...

by Candace Wilson
(Hendersonville, TN)

My mom was hospitalized a year and a half ago because of a blood clot in her leg. She had been taking blood thinners since then, but could never get her blood where it should be. She passed away 2 weeks ago in her sleep after a pulmonary embolism. My sister called me very upset saying that neither she nor my Grandma could get her to answer her phones, that all her lights were on, but she wasn't coming to the door. My heart stopped; we both knew something must be very wrong. My uncle managed to get inside her home and that's when my sister told me that she was gone. She had laid down in her bed, was in her pj's and it happened in her sleep...at least that was of some comfort. I was stuck at home 45 minutes away and alone. My husband and 2 kids were at my father in law's for dinner and I had stayed behind to work on some of my school work. I had last seen her 2 weeks prior. She and I finally had the same day off and I was able to meet with her at my sister's. I was under the impression that she didn't have anymore clots and that her blood was good and that she didn't have to go have it checked for 2 months. Later I found out that she did, in fact, have 3 clots the size of a pin head in her leg. 2 below her knee and 1 in her calf. She had chosen not to have her blood checked and kept putting it off. I guess she was tired of getting poked and the changes in her medicine made her feel bad. But she had been feeling extremely tired and not herself recently, a sign that her blood had gotten too thin again. I still cannot believe she is gone. She would have been 55 that Friday. I am 29 with an 8 and 9 year old and my sister is 27 with a 7 year old. I finally enrolled in college and will be graduating in August. She was so proud and so happy, and she won't even be there to see me finally do what I have waited so long for. It has been 2 weeks and I am not okay. I don't feel that I will ever be okay. I feel like I hate everything right now. My husband does not know how to respond to me being this way and I cannot talk to him. So, I talk to my mother in my car. Mostly on my way home from class at night. And I cling to my sister. We both expected my dad to go first. He has Pulmonary fibrosis, a terminal lung disease that has been rapidly progressing....but my mom was very unexpected. And my poor Grandma; in the past year she has lost her husband (my Grandpa), her brother (my great uncle Bill) and now her daughter. My momma. I have never felt so lost and alone, ever. I am very thankful for my faith and love in the Lord, but this is a whole new pain that seems like it will never end...

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Feb 06, 2012
I understand your pain!
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds so familiar to mine. I am sorry for your incredible loss. My mother passed away December 21, 2011, she was 55 years old. My mom was my best friend too. I know how hard it is to imagine the future without your biggest cheerleader. You always think your parents will die of old age many years in the future, not like this when you still need their advice and support. Unfortunately, this was not the case for either of us. All we can do is take it day by day. If you think too far ahead it gets too overwhelming. Try to take comfort in the fact you are not alone:)There are others who understand your pain.

Take care.

Feb 01, 2012
Sorry :(
by: Baby Girls

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I also have a post on this website. It's called Why now?? By Baby girls. Your story is very similar to mine. I also have two daughters. My mom just turned 56 in October and I talk to her so many times quietly in the car or bathroom. It's so hard to go through this and even though you have so many people behind you, you feel alone cuz you don't have her. I completely and whole heatedly understand your pain. Hang in there, those of us that have lost can do this together. Xoxoxo

Jan 31, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: Jen

I am so sorry for your loss....I know the pain and you are right it's a pain that is indescribable - My 23yr old son died 10/25/2011 suddenly and unexpected and on that day a huge part of me died with him. Today I feel like I can't live without him thank God all days are not this bad but it is very hard to go on with life - I had to go back to work a week and a half after I buried him because I have to pay the bills and have three other children. Anyway, his story is on this site his name is Brandon McDonough. I pray that you find comfort in knowing that the Lord still has a plan - I do believe that even for me in my life I just have to heal more. God bless you!
Jen

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