I Cannot Breathe
(Odenton, MD, USA)
Someone asked me the other day how long I planned on grieving.. I said, for the rest of my life..
It is like the world is moving, and I want it all to stop..I want to grab them and say, he is dead, how can you go on living.. because I can't, I really can't.
We were so intertwined.. I can't stand nights... nights are horrible, we would talk for hours.. I couldn't sleep until I knew he was safe...I had to hear his voice, and when we were together we were that yucky couple who held hands and were always within each others reach, even when we didn't realize it..
I loved him, my whole life, I never stopped, I never stopped looking.. and he for me...how can this happen, how can we come weeks from being together and he be ripped away. I just don't understand.
We were going to be married this month. Instead, I fight to do what is right for him because I have no standing, I am not a widow, just fiancee.
When he went back in the hospital I flew there.. when I got there at midnight he was sitting with his phone in his hand, waiting for me to come to him.. I can't move.. I can hardly breath.....
I come to work, that keeps me moving. Sometimes I have times when it is not overwhelming, then, it washes over me.
I stay in my room, I don't go out, I want to remember him, to hold him.. I want him back, I miss him so much.. he was so.. larger than life.. how can he be gone.
When I found out how sick he was, I offered to trade places, I offered anything the universe wanted. Instead they tell us we have six months to a year, then we have six days... and most of those he was in a coma, fighting to stay with me. They would put him in the middle of the bed and he would skooch over until his head was next to the side where my chair sat. When I got there on Tuesday, the doctor said I had a day, maybe two; he lasted until Sunday.
I watched his body break down as he fought so hard to stay with me.. I held his hand or touched his face, finally the pain I knew he was feeling was too much, and as much as it killed me, I told him it was ok to go, we would always be together, he would always be my love, he always had been.
I am in a dark hole.. the best part of me died with him.. Oh I go through the motions, friends take me out to get me outside. My son took me to Phantom for mothers day.. how wonderful that sounds, my favorite show. So in the middle I look over and for the briefest second he is sitting next to me, making the face I knew he would have made, just to make fun of me. Just a cruel trick of my mind; he is not there, there is nothing.
I wear a lock of his hair and his ashes around my neck. I have a bag of his clothes I smell just to get the scent of him. I am going to see a medium on Friday, this is the second medium the first was a scam, I have to keep trying..
He promised me he would stay, he promised we would take care of each other. I can't do this alone. I can't do this without him.
I am sorry this is so rambling.. thank you for listening.