I Cannot Breathe

by Zoe
(Odenton, MD, USA)

Someone asked me the other day how long I planned on grieving.. I said, for the rest of my life..
It is like the world is moving, and I want it all to stop..I want to grab them and say, he is dead, how can you go on living.. because I can't, I really can't.

We were so intertwined.. I can't stand nights... nights are horrible, we would talk for hours.. I couldn't sleep until I knew he was safe...I had to hear his voice, and when we were together we were that yucky couple who held hands and were always within each others reach, even when we didn't realize it..

I loved him, my whole life, I never stopped, I never stopped looking.. and he for me...how can this happen, how can we come weeks from being together and he be ripped away. I just don't understand.

We were going to be married this month. Instead, I fight to do what is right for him because I have no standing, I am not a widow, just fiancee.
When he went back in the hospital I flew there.. when I got there at midnight he was sitting with his phone in his hand, waiting for me to come to him.. I can't move.. I can hardly breath.....
I come to work, that keeps me moving. Sometimes I have times when it is not overwhelming, then, it washes over me.

I stay in my room, I don't go out, I want to remember him, to hold him.. I want him back, I miss him so much.. he was so.. larger than life.. how can he be gone.

When I found out how sick he was, I offered to trade places, I offered anything the universe wanted. Instead they tell us we have six months to a year, then we have six days... and most of those he was in a coma, fighting to stay with me. They would put him in the middle of the bed and he would skooch over until his head was next to the side where my chair sat. When I got there on Tuesday, the doctor said I had a day, maybe two; he lasted until Sunday.

I watched his body break down as he fought so hard to stay with me.. I held his hand or touched his face, finally the pain I knew he was feeling was too much, and as much as it killed me, I told him it was ok to go, we would always be together, he would always be my love, he always had been.

I am in a dark hole.. the best part of me died with him.. Oh I go through the motions, friends take me out to get me outside. My son took me to Phantom for mothers day.. how wonderful that sounds, my favorite show. So in the middle I look over and for the briefest second he is sitting next to me, making the face I knew he would have made, just to make fun of me. Just a cruel trick of my mind; he is not there, there is nothing.

I wear a lock of his hair and his ashes around my neck. I have a bag of his clothes I smell just to get the scent of him. I am going to see a medium on Friday, this is the second medium the first was a scam, I have to keep trying..

He promised me he would stay, he promised we would take care of each other. I can't do this alone. I can't do this without him.

I am sorry this is so rambling.. thank you for listening.

Comments for I Cannot Breathe

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Jun 18, 2010
My thoughts are with you Zoe
by: Anonymous

I understand your pain, I lost my husband of 25 years two years ago, I read the following statement in another grief site and it was so familiar, but gave me a little hope of easier days ahead.

"For those of you new to this intense grief, it is grueling.
But you need to hand yourself over to it.
It is like being tossed into a wild ocean, the waves roll over and over and over, you feel that you will definitely drown, sometimes you wish you would. But somehow you don't. You can't imagine smiling again, but you do.

You can't imagine breathing without pain, but you do.

You can't imagine that the sun dares to rise, but it does and the world carries on.

In time the intensity eases, the ragged raw edges of the deep hole gouged in your heart begins to heal. It will happen, there will be a day when you can walk through it without feeling like someone took a big slug at your gut, almost knocking the breath out of you. Grief has its own agenda. It will run its course."

I hope this makes you realize you are not alone in the grief journey, others understand and are here to offer words of comfort and just listen.
Take care

May 07, 2010
A MEMORYTO BRING A MILLION TEARS
by: DISILAIN

Trying to find something, I don't know what, I found this thread..Like above, our world was turned upside downm a Saturday night call. Our daughter had been rushed to Intensive care, her heart had stopped three times, twice in the ambulance. So for three days we sat and prayed, then at 3.15 on a wet and miserable day on Monday our wee lass closed her eyes forever.

We were so excited on Sunday when her eyes would open and we thought she would come back to us, it was not to be, she never saw us there beside her. And so that October 2009 our world ended, the funeral went by in a haze as did the burial service.

Only a few days later we realised this precious gift had gone. Our girl was 34 years old but just like a teenager. Her best friend in the world, her husband, is our only precious link to this quiet and campassionate young girl and every day starts and ends with her memory . http://cheryl.hamilton.muchloved.com

May 02, 2010
Loss of a Soul Mate
by: Down Under

Zoe, my condolences on the loss of your soul mate. I can feel the love, hurt and loss that you are feeling through your words. Grieve for as long as needed Zoe, and for those who ask "how long" tell them for as long as I need to and a day !! You do not need mediums to find him,just trust your instincts and he will be right beside you; open your mind & heart and look for a sign. I wish you warmth and comfort for those long hard days & nights to come but try and keep those happy memories alive which will make you laugh and smile again sometime soon.

May 02, 2010
I hear you
by: Kate

I share your feelings in so many ways. My husband Steve died suddenly from a heart attack while under observation in intensive care in HK three weeks ago. He was 40. We had absolutely no idea he would die. Maybe he knew and was protecting me. He let me go home and feed our 11 month old baby girl. We were so sure I would be back in an hour and I would chat with him all day, maybe for days.

I zipped home to help my mum and received the chilling call that 15 minutes after I left he went into cardiac arrest and was being resuscitated. I knew, I just knew it was over. By the time I returned he was still being worked on. It was useless. I knew. They pumped and pumped, almost like an act to get me used to the fact that it was over. I held his foot and egged him on, shouting come on babe, you can do it. But I knew it was over.

A week later my family and I flew his body back to Melbourne to his family and other kids. We have viewed him, prayed for him, buried him and now laugh and cry for him.

How did this happen to him, to me, to my daughter, to our families. We don't even know yet what caused his heart attack. Biopsy results will no doubt be inconclusive. Was he in pain, did he know as I left. We told each other we loved each other before I left. He told me to kiss our daughter. I feel good about that but I want to keep telling him to his face every day how much I love him.

Like you we were hand holders, mushy, sickening, passionate. We fought like mad and made up like mad. He protected me, I nurtured his sensitive soul. What now? I have all the support and friendship I need; it's almost suffocating but tonight as my nieces and nephew danced to make me happy, the song they chose was our latest favourite. My four year old niece asked me what's wrong as tears streamed down my face. I told her I was happy. What else could I say?

I am known as strong. I know I will move on but for now I just need to wallow in the memories, miss our dreams and wish for his hand.
My daughter will be loved, I will survive. But I need people like you, sadly, to lean on from afar. We will laugh and we will cry but we have each other. It's not enough, but I feel lucky for finding people like you. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you and make you feel protected and guided by your man.
xx Kate

May 02, 2010
thats how i feel
by: Anonymous

I'm 38 now and i cant say the d word with my dads name in it. My dad had only turned 60 years old and a 1/2 weeks before the worst mornings of my life. The sat night before he had just bought the new Hanna Montana movie and concert for my nine year old daughter, so my dad and my two daughters and me went into his bedroom and watched the movie and we talked and laughed so much that night it became to be 1:30 a.m. and the girls and my dad started to watch the concert and i was tired so i went to bed. But before i left his room i remember him tickling my 9 year old and the two of them laughing. My two daughters went to their room at 3:30 a.m. and my 17 yr old said she went to turn off my dads tv, and he said no leave it on because he was going to finish watching it, so she did and went on to bed.

I woke up at 6:oo a.m.that Sunday morning to get a drink and on my way back to my room i seen my dads tv on and i didn't hear him snoring, so i thought that he had just woke up early. I put my drink down by my bed and went to go check on him. I thought that he was just watching tv. He looked like he was just watching tv. I said dad, hey daaaad and still no answer, i got closer to his face and said dad, then i stepped back when i realized there was something wrong.

I started yelling at him to please wake up it's time to wake up. I then ran for help begging my son who was 19 to wake up papa i said that pap would wake up for him, but i was wrong! I don't know how 8 mths has went by or even where they went. I'm so lost with out my dad, and every day only gets harder and harder...

Cassandra

May 01, 2010
I Understand
by: Sandy

Zoe,

I cried as I read your story because you sound so much like me. I watched my husband die right in front of my eyes (it's been a year ago). Seems like yesterday. My whole world is gone and nothing is the same. I miss him so much. I, too, begged God to let me trade places with him. Let me suffer, let me die. He would have been able to carry on so much better than I have. Just last week, my boss took me to a really nice restaurant for lunch for Secretary's Day and I was sitting there looking around and suddenly I started to shake and to cry because I realized Mack couldn't be there to share this with me. I thought I would die.

I have had times where I could not breathe and times when I didn't want to breathe anymore. Nobody warned me about how bad the grief would be. Nobody ever told me I would feel like dying myself, that my life would never be the same. I feel for you so much and I am going to say a prayer for you. I have a hope that maybe you can share....we will see them again some day. We will not be here forever either. They just went first and I am hoping Mack's face is the first I see when I draw my last breath. Take care!

May 01, 2010
Rambling is definitely ok!
by: Anonymous

It is so difficult and hurts so much. Ramble on Zoe. Share your pain, sorrow and grief. We will listen.

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