i cannot recover

by Dave
(Manila, philippines)

i have been struggling with my father's death for years now, 3 years he died on the 21st of december 2009 from kidney failure due to heart surgery he had. i didn't visit him often when he was in the hospital, and i still feel guilty about it, i just never wanted to believe that my father who was once like a titan, a black belt in karate, literally picking me up with hand when i was younger, was bed ridden, ill, and old. i held my tears the first time i saw him in the hospital bed, from may to that december. i'm 23 years old now and married, and i thought that maybe if i got married this pain would go away, i've always hidden my emotions from others or at least tried to. i just cant seem to recover from this, i wake up crying, i cry when i think of what could have been, when i see my friends still having their dads, i just feel like its so unfair. its not fair that they do not need to worry about their lives the way i do, i remember when my dad was around everything was safe, my dreams and ambitions revolved around him being there to guide me, i studied in the same field as he did, i could mess up and know he would be right there behind me to me pick me up. but i wasnt there for him when he died, i didnt visit him for weeks. im disgusted with myself, i wish i was closer to my dad, i was that i wasnt such a troublsome youth, i just wish my dad was still here, and i dont know if theres something wrong with me, but i have friends who lost loved ones who recovered rather quickly, but i still suffer from it

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Feb 12, 2013
I totally understand
by: Anonymous

I have no regrets in the fact that I spent a lot of quality time with my Dad. I looked after him and cared for him full time for months, I didn't mind doing what ever he needed, feeding him, reading to him, caring for him, he was like my child…and I still can't get over it! I still miss him every day. my brothers and sister are all coping better than me. they all have partners and children and me, I am all alone. I can't see how I am going to get through it. its been two years, I have no job, no boyfriend (we split up during my grieving process) SO BREATH, FORGIVE YOURSELF because even if you did the things you wish you did you will probably still be where you are now and still feeling like crap. Advice I have none, except to say your message inspired me to write on the site, so thank you. one day maybe we will look back read our comments and see how far we have come….

Feb 10, 2013
I cannot recover / YES YOU CAN!
by: Doreen U.K.

Dave you are still suffering the loss of your father after 3 years because you CARE. You wanted to put things right and you can't. It is too late. You are punishing yourself for what you didn't do for your dad. Now lay this aside and put on paper all the things you did do for your dad, even if they are unimportant to you. I am sure you will find something you did for him. Even one thing. Now build on this. Oh I and many other people live with the regret of what they didn't do when they could have done for someone. I know it can eat you up inside and fill you with such turmoil that life becomes unbearable. My children will perhaps one day feel the same way when I die. THIS IS LIFE. We get caught up in the complexity of life and get carried along with this busyness that we perhaps find ourselves living with the regret of neglect of our loved ones. We all do it. It is somehow human nature to not be perfect. I promised my mum that I would visit her. She ran to the bus station to get a planner for my journey. I never made it and she died. I feel sad about this. But I cannot beat myself up. I did at the time. But 9 years later it would be pointless because she can't feel the pain now of that time of anticipation of seeing me. Instead I concentrated on the week I got to spend with her a year before she died and focused on the happiness this brought her. Find something you did that made a difference to your father. Build on this. YOU CAN RECOVER. If you find yourself not able to move forward from this death then GO and see a grief counsellor and pour your heart out in this safe environment for you. You won't regret this. A trained person can support you and help you move beyond this turmoil into RECOVERY.

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