I can't breathe...

October 22, 2012 was the day my mother breathed her last precious breath. It was unexpected. There are no words to express the agonizing pain and sorrow my heart feels. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. I don't know how to face each second, minute, hour... forever without my mother. My love for her cannot be measured. I am 41, the last of her four daughters, my mother's baby. She was my heart, my soul, my mother.

Comments for I can't breathe...

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Feb 15, 2013
my best friend has gone
by: morag

i lost my old mum 6 weeks ago,she lived with me and i cared for her,she has always been in my life,mum was 100 years old and we knew she was becoming very frail,the doctor said she had only weeks to live,but when my mum took her last breath my heart broke in to a million pieces,every day i cry and quietly say,mum i love you,please let me know you are ok,i wipe my tears and get on with my day because i know that is what she wants me to do,then a wave comes over me and an ache in my stomach of yearning and just wanting to hold her and kiss her sweet face,i never realised how much i loved her,i carry her in my heart always,i hope this intense feeling will ease,my husband and family need me to get on with my life again,outwardly i do this but i have to allow myself a few minutes of grieving time with me and mum,i pray for strength and freedom from this eternal ache,i know nothing will ever be the same in my life,i also know that mum lived for us and i must do the same and honour her memory in that way,i know the pain and ache we all go through at losing someone we love,i know i am not alone in the world with these feelings,may god bless you and heal your aching heart.

Nov 19, 2012
Your day
by: Anonymous

Anonymous, please know that I'm thinking of you today, your birthday. I know it must be especially hard. My heart is with you.

Nov 17, 2012
Angel? No...
by: Anonymous

Hello Christina, it is me again (The air that you breathe...). I do not know to whom your comment is addressed since there are many who prefer to remain "Anonymous" on this site. However, I believe I speak for most of us when I say that we are not angels. We came here to seek the same comfort which you are seeking and it has helped me immensely to realise that there are other people who can empathise with this particular form of pain.

Our mothers are our teacher; our nurse; our friend and confidante; our playmate; our scapegoat and, above all, our protector and our defender. It is strange that we can experience them in only one, or maybe two, of these roles at any given time. While they are with us, we do not see the big picture. Perhaps it is for our own good. Subconsciously, we all know that there will be a time when they have to leave us, and perhaps we would not be able to function, to thrive, and to grow as they want us to, knowing exactly how much we will lose when that moment arrives. When they do leave and the whole truth finally dawns, we feel abandoned. We begin to feel there is no-one to guide us, no-one to soothe our pain, no-one to talk to, no-one to be silly with, no-one to take the punches for us, and, no-one who will shield us from adversity. Our sorrow at their parting is immeasurable, and we are filled with guilt and remorse, believing that we took them "for granted". All this I feel in my innermost being, yet, somewhere in there is another kind of knowledge.

It is extremely hard, but, when I think about it, I realise that my Mum would not wish me to feel so guilty. She would not. If she could, she would tell me that it was not only about the pain I brought her, it was also about the joy, about the day when I spoke my first word, "Mama"; the day I took my first steps; the day I learnt to read, to write, to tell the time... I believe that if she could, my Mum would wish me to know that those are the moments which made her journey worthwhile. The moments which validated her as a human being. I know that there were moments in her life and mine when my Mum was proud of me. So, as long as I am still here, there is one thing I must try to do: whatever will make my mother most proud, from her new perspective of wisdom and understanding, I will try my best to be that person, so that I can be worthy of her love and devotion. I wish that all of us here will find peace and success as we strive towards that goal.

Nov 16, 2012
Angel?
by: Christina

Anonymous, are you angel sent here to comfort me in a time where you must endure the same grief as I? Your words are beautiful, and once again comforting. I hurt for you also but I am glad you are beginning to feel some peace.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Nov 15, 2012
Surreal
by: Anonymous

I too lost my Mom unexpectedly she passed on October 25th of this year. It still feels surreal to me she was my best friend. I find myself dialing her number or including her in my conversations as I'm talking to others as if it never happened. I am so blessed to of had her as my Mom. Many daughters never know the love, devotion, support, and friendship so I was so blessed to have her as my Mother. My birthday is Monday Nov. 19th she always made it so special this is going to be a very difficult day but I am going to strive very hard to make the day about our relationship as a Mother and Daughter. The holidays were always at my parents so this will be hard as well but she would want us to follow thru with family traditions. Time moves so quickly. She would comfort me always and make all problems better I miss her so its hard to find the words.

Nov 15, 2012
Dear Christina
by: Anonymous

I came yesterday to post a comment on your page (The air that you breathe...) and I'm touched by your response. My Mum's second name was Martha: Margaret Martha.

I am seven weeks into this lonely journey and it has been sheer hell. I've thought about Mum every single minute of every day, and I want to tell you that the only thing which has kept me going is to remember the positive things which she taught me and which will stay with me for the rest of my life. My Mum was very close to nature and I am honoured and privileged that I was able to learn from her that every little life-form on this planet deserves our respect. It is a part of her which I will carry with me forever and which will sustain me to the end of my days, until I meet her again.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to find your Mum's true legacy (the part of her which she left with you) in your heart one day soon, and that it will give you the strength and the courage to continue. Please remember that she is in a better place but you can still talk to her, calmly and quietly. Your Mum's spirit is near you. Just breathe... that is all you need to do for now.

Nov 15, 2012
Thank you, so, so much.
by: Christina

Thank you both for those most beautiful, endearing words. You have given me some comfort. My mom was ALWAYS the one to love me, hold me, and comfort me through my pain, unconditionally, even as recently as two weeks before she was taken away. I have never been a strong person, never straying far from my mother. We needed each other, every single day, if just to say "I love you." This is a new level of pain, unimaginable. I need my mother, but she can't hold me as I cry... for her
Her name was Martha.
Thank you for listening.

Nov 14, 2012
The air that you breathe...
by: Anonymous

Sweetie, my heart hurts for you but I want to tell you: you CAN breathe... Do you know why? On October 22nd, when your Mum "breathed her last precious breath", she expelled it into the air, and it is the same precious air which you are breathing now.

I miss my mother with my heart and my soul and I will never understand how on earth we can all grow up "knowing" that they will not always be there for us, yet not knowing how utterly devastated we will be when they finally leave. The feeling of hurt, pain, abandonment, loneliness, and soul-destroying guilt and remorse, is like nothing that anyone could dream of. Until the day it happens. Then, what do we do..? It's too late now, we think. Yet, is it really?

Ach, I so much want to believe, and I want you and everyone who is going through this, to believe that it is not too late. I want us to try and believe that our mothers are with us, that they are around us, in our genes, our thoughts, and our memories, and I want us to try and think of the things they would have liked to do but never had the opportunity. Not the big, impossible things.. the small things. Is there something that we can still do for them, on their behalf? Please think about it, and please try to remember that your mother's spirit is with you. She is in the very air which you are breathing now.

Nov 14, 2012
Prayer
by: Anonymous

I am sending a prayer to you. I too lost my Mom unexpentantly on September 1. She was my everything. I did not invest in a circle of friends. She was only 15 years older than me, we were best friend. I am slowly trying to clean out her house, by myself. Her things are so personal to me, I do not want anything touched that I have not touched. As much as I did not think I could do this, God's grace is seeing me through. Yesterday was the first day at her house that I did not cry. Finding this website and reading it and praying after 75 days without her, I am starting to kinda function. I pray you feel my hugs, know I feel your pain. We know our Mom's want us to live a happy life. I pray one minute at a time we begin to heal. With honest understanding and in Christ I send my love.

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