I cant do this anymore,

by Steffy
(Phoenix, Arizona)


Cody my husband passed away on Jan 16th - Its about to be 3 months and I just cant take it anymore. I miss him so much.
He passed away when I was 7 months pregnant, our son was born March 17th and its been so difcult to enjoy him because Cody is no longer with me.

Cody and I were together 4 years, we were young and in love. He was killed shot - His life was taken from him, age 21 years old. We had just gotten married on April 16 2011 and we had just bought our first home together that same year and found out we were expecting our first child.

Our life was perfect- We were ready to start our own little family,. we were happy looking forward to this year 2012 bringing us all good things. Now I have to spend our one year wedding anniversary alone.

I cant do this, I cant take the pain of not having him around, I dont think I can be a good mother to our newborn. He needs me so much but Im so broken so unhappy so depressed, I find myself on the floor crying and screaming.

I had to sell my house and move in with my father in law. I have nothing anymore - Im so lost. Cody was my everything. Ive known him for 6 years ever since I was 14 years old, he was my first and only Love- He taught me so much and was so full of life and energy - always had a plan.

He is what kept me together, he is the person that made me happy, happier then ever.

I am 20 years old, with a newborn and I just lost my husband and its not fair we just started out- we had so many things to still do we had so many plans for the future we had more children to have. Now theres nothing. My future feels empty- Im scared of what to do, Im scared to fail as a mother.

How can my son be happy if I cant, he sees me cry all day, break down and scream.
Where was god when Cody was shot? WHERE??? your not suppose to die at age 21!! There was too much life to still live.

I WANT TO DIE AND BE WITH CODY - BUT I CANT I HAVE A SON TO TAKE CARE OF. How do I do this, I CANT I CANT I CANT.
It hurts so bad.

I miss you Cody, I miss you so much - I love you always have and always will; you were so beautiful and perfect to me.

Comments for I cant do this anymore,

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Dec 05, 2012
Grief
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. There is great courage in finding reasons to live again and fully after such losses. Perhaps, the loss, right now, seems too great. But, in time, you will find comfort in your motherhood, and a great purpose in honoring your loved one's memory by instilling in your child all the characteristics you loved so much in your husband. Regardless, most find it advantageous to join a support group. Let others know your struggles and your needs. Because you are brave enough to posthere, I believe that you will reach out to others. You will find that you are not alone; and that there are many who are willing to help. I believe you will get through this and, eventually, find new joy and loves to spur you on toward a wonderful life. God bless and comfort you during this difficult time. Please, be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. This will get better, in time. Time takes time. Sending you warm thoughts and prayers. Diane

Apr 12, 2012
YES YOU CAN<3
by: Anonymous

Hello sweetie, I am so sorry to hear of this trgic event that put such a sad end to such a beautiful beginning for the three of you!! I lost my fiance, and the father of my baby girl, 2 yrs and 3 months ago to liver failure. Our baby was only 7 months old, and I felt the same way. I still have my moments where I feel like I can't go on. Then I look at our daughter, and I see why she is here. If not for her, I would not go on, but neither would the legend of such a wonderful man. He is in her eyes, her hair, and her quirky sense of humor. Wait until that little baby can look into your eyes and say "I love you mommy", just as Cody did:3 It will take time, but in every little beautiful moment you take time to notice, he is still very much a part of your life. I thank God every day for our child, but also for the time I had with her father. I can't tell you how, but more and more, the memories will bring smiles in place of tears. The bad thoughts will be replaced with good memories. It is not how they died, it is how they lived. Now don't you think it would be nice to be remembered for how you live, and not how you die? Keep your head up, he's counting on you to take care of his child. Here is your chance to keep the dream alive! Chin up;)

Apr 09, 2012
You will get through Steffy.
by: Natalya

Hi. Firstly I am so very sorry for your loss. I can comprend your pain but I can also not. My husband died last year, away from home, alone in a hotel. We had our little daughter only 6 weeks before and it was supossed to be the happiest time in our life, christmas etc was going to be fantastic. He's gone and now like you we have to raise our babies by ourselves - not the plan at all. My daughter will be 1 on the 18th, the 19th would have been our 9yr wedding anniversary, it's going to be a couple of difficult days. Steffy, I know it is easier said than done, but take comfort in your child. It is only thanks to my gorgeous daughter that I have made it this far. I am sure one day it will get easier, I just don't know when that will be. All the best to you and yours on this awful journey. x

Apr 09, 2012
I'm so sorry.
by: Anonymous

Dear Steffy,

Nothing anyone can say will ease your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life two and half months ago, and like you, all I want is to be with him again. Your son is a gift and a part of him is Cody. I know you must be experiencing conflicted emotions. Nine weeks later, I'm sad, scared, depressed, and in denial from one minute to the next. But reading the posts on this site assures me that what I'm going through is what most people go through when they lose their partner. I'm also sought out professional help, and that has made things a bit more manageable.

I know what you're going through, and all I can say is find time to be good to yourself. That's what Cody would have wanted.

All my best wishes for you and your son.

RP

Apr 08, 2012
Thank you Everyone,
by: Steffy

its just been so dificult, i cant fight back the tears the pain. I want my son to be happy but im so scared he will never be if I can not be happy. I miss Cody so much, I feel so empty so broken so alone; I like talking to others who are experiencing a loss because it makes me feel like im not alone

Apr 08, 2012
You can do this
by: Anonymous

Steffy, You can do this and you will survive. You have to be strong and take care of the child you have. Your husband wants you and his child to live on in his memory. Your child cannot lose you, your child is going to need you more than ever. Your child was brought into this world to help you survive. I lost my son, he was 29 and I thought I could not survive and there are days that I still don't want to be here. But, I know my son wants me to keep going and live my life as best I can. So, I will do that for him.
Please just get yourself through each moment and cry as much as you need to. Tears do help , Tears do heal. I hope you have friends and family that are here for you. Your child feels your love through your tears and grief.
You can do this and you will do this and someday you will look back and feel proud of yourself for getting through this horrific nightmare.
Take care of yourself as best you can at this time. You are stronger than you think.

Apr 08, 2012
You Can Do IT
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my son two months ago and his wife is seven months pregnant with their first child. I watch closely as his wife experiences such intense pain. Who would have thought these men would never hold their children and grandchildren? Life is so unfair sometimes.

I know your pain is overwhelming. The fact that your pain is so intense makes you think you can't be a good mother. YOU CAN. It's okay to cry and scream. Shut the door or get in the car, without the baby, and let it all out.

Love on that baby and know it's Cody's baby. As the baby gets older and more interactive, you will love the smiles and unconditional love. Tell the child about Cody. That's what we are going to do. It won't take our pain away but it help these kids to know what wonderful dads they have.

Don't give up. Call your local Hospice about grief counseling. The Hospice here does it for free. Do it for YOU.

Prayers going up for you.

Apr 08, 2012
Judith in California
by: Yes you Can

Dear Steffy, I can hear the pain of your loss and fell so badly that Cody was taken from you so early. Cody would not want you to give up. His little baby boy needs you to love him . He is a part of Cody and he will grow up and look like him and be a constant reminder of the love you two shared. It's not the babys fault Cody was taken. He should in no way suffer for that or because of that. You are so young and only with time will you be able to find new love and happiness with someone else. Before that though you will deal withe the grief and ride that roller coaster of emotions until you can get to the other side of it and find peace and acceptance.
It took me at least 18 months to do that. It's been 19 months for me since my beloved of 35 1/2 years passed.
What you are experiencing is no different than what any of us have gone through. At first the shock, then the million of tears to where we think we'll never be able to shed another. Then the having to deal with everyday things like take care of the children and household things and work and life in general. You will just have to give all of this time and that's all you have right now. One breath, one minute, one day at a time you will gain the strength, through Gods help, to see it through.
Hold fast to your heart that baby of yours and Codys. Protect and love him and nurture him , tell him of his daddy and let him know he too will be the wonderful man his daddy was one day.

God bless you during this most awful time and let us know how you are doing from time to time. We are here for you. We who have gone down the road you are now on. Our hearts go out to you and we pray for your healing.

Apr 08, 2012
Icant do this anymore
by: Anonymous

yes you can! You have been blessed with the fruit of your love. I can understand how difficult is to be a mother for 1rst time, young, and to loose the love of your life. Grief is a very painful process, but trust me you will be able to conquer this pain and grow stronger for yourself and your son. When loosing someone who means so much to us, we too want to go, but if we really take a moment and think Would this have been something Cody (in your case) had wanted for me? I am completely sure that if Cody could some way communicate with you he would tell you "PLEASE CARE FOR YOURSELF AND OUR SON" Now is when you need to be strong for the two of you. Please don't go through this alone, find a support group like compassionate friends, this group of grieving families and friends helps you to cope. I lost my son and I too wanted to go with him, but I could feel him reminding me about his brother and his father who still needed me. It helps tremendously to go to counseling and to surround yourself with the people and the things you like and still love. Now you are numb and can not think. But please I encourage you to seek are not alone otherwise you would not be reading this.
Sincerely, Sendy
PS. GOD IS IN CHARGE, DO NOT LOSE HOPE. YOU can always start your life again but your son would only have one MOM, YOU!

Apr 08, 2012
Give yourself some time
by: Helen

Steffy how you must be hurting, it's so painful for you at this moment in time, the shock of loosing your husband, and going through the birth of your baby boy without Cody by your side.
Your grief is overwhelming you and it's been such a short time since your loss.
I hope you have the family support of Cody's family and your own family members to help you with the newborn baby.
It is important for you to have some personal space to grieve in your own way. So don't forget to ask your family for some time for this, for example take 1-2 hours weekly to do something just for you, or even just be alone without the baby, write a journal for your baby letting him know what Cody was like. Go sit on a bench in a garden, go to the beach, go for a run, whatever takes your fancy.
Talk to someone to make sure you are not also experiencing post natal depression as well as going through the grieving process.
My sister was depressed after the birth of her child and needed extra support until her hormones adjusted.
My heart goes out to you and my wish for you is to find the comfort and love you need in other family members.

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