I can't do this

by larissa
(henderson nc)

At this time I can't add his picture yet. I have a very hard time looking at pictures of his beautiful smiling face. My handsome son died 16 days ago and I can not handle it in any way shape or form. Greg was 26 years old. We do not yet know why he died. He was at home and fine at 4:45 pm. His uncle my brother in law had died the day before from cancer. Then the day before my babies funeral they told me my brother had died from complications of diabetes at age 60. but on Monday Greg was planning on cooking on the grill with his dad. Another friend of ours was here when our adult friends son pulled up Greg looked at him and said I gotta ride with him somewhere I'll be back in just a little while. Numerous text messages were on his phone when we got it back From a friend of ours an ADULT friend going through a 21 yr old friend of his asking over and over if my son could find a pill for them Opana was the pill. We have text messages from the man they eventually went to his house and got this pill from for the Adult friend. I was at work until 9:15 The police told us that they were told that my son was drinking a four loko and passed out around 7:30 or 8 and that they told the police that they had checked on my son every few minutes or so.. the coroner said he died between 10 and 10:30.. The adult friend called my husband Gregs daddy at 11pm in a calm voice and said Gregs passed out at my house you need to come get him. By then I was in the bed. my son supposedly was outside for 3 hours passed out. I do not believe that anyone checked on him. They let him lay in the yard and die like a dog no one cared about. It had been a long hard day at work. My normal everynight when I got off work was to call all my sons and see where they were. Usually Greg was home, rarely did he go anywhere much and if he did he wasn't gone long.
That night I did not call him or my other 2 sons. Greg was a very healthy boy 6'2 and 260 lbs. overweight but more big boned and big built. Even the time frame does not match up with what these people told the police but at this point they are not interested they said I have to be patient and wait for the autopsy to come back. They don't even want the text messages from the man selling the pills.
My mind can not comprehend why he can't come home. Why did this have to happen. Why is my son dead.. It screams over and over I know he didn't want to be dead. I only want to go to his grave and talk to him which I do for hours on end. Greg drank a lot which was a constant argument between he and I, mostly one at night during the week he'd buy one on the way home from work get his supper plate then he'd watch movies in his room but on the weekends he'd drink way more. As I said we dont' know what he died from yet I feel so guilty because I couldn't make him listen to me if the four loko is what killed him.. I feel guilty if I eat because I know how much he loved a good meal.. I feel guilty for being able to walk talk breath and sleep when I can because he can't. I cry endlessly I feel as if I have failed my son It was my job to take care of him.. Why did I not feel in my heart that night that something was very wrong and he needed help. I have a job I know I need to return to soon. But how do you go on living when he can't. I have never felt such pain and despair as I do now.. I can't eat and only can sleep with meds. My every thought is of him. I did go to the doctor yesterday my blood pressure and heart rate were really high. He said its severe anxiety and gave me xanex I do not think there is medicine to fix this and I told him so he said it wouldn't it would just help stop the rapid heart beats and panic attacks I have developed in the last week. Why do I get to live when he can't. People tell me God had a plan that he maybe did this to make a difference in someone elses life. that I need to be rejoicing that I had 26 years with him.. I can't at this point believe in a god that would take your child from you. and definitely you don't trade your child to make a difference. I literally feel as if I am going crazy. I love him so so so much and I dont' really believe he knew how much. I know he knew I loved him but I dont' believe that a child can know the depth of love a parent has for a child until they have one of their own and Greg didnt' get to live long enough to have any.. my mind screams over and over why can't he come home why did no one try to help him. He never passed out when he drank why oh why is he gone.. I still expect him to walk in the door from work or call and say ma what you gonna cook for supper.

Comments for I can't do this

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Apr 27, 2011
So Very Sorry for Your Loss!
by: Dakota Blues

My daughter took her life 3 years ago.

Your grief is so new my love - right now you need to surround yourself with loved ones. Allow any form of help that you can get. Allow anyone to sit with you and listen. Talk, talk, and talk some more. Allow others to care for you and help you around your home for as long as it is offered.

I went to a few grief meetings early on and I believe you should too, if you have one in your area. I should have attended them longer but didn't. I would suggest you look for a group and CALL the contact person. They want to talk to you. They are expecting your call. They will help you. You are not alone.

Many times, even today...I ask myself...Can I just get through today? Yes - Dakota...you can get through today. It is a living nightmare to lose a child but WE can get through today. I can testify that little things that I could not do that 1st year I able to do today. I think getting stronger will take a lifetime. We are forever changed.

Your son was deeply loved - he will be deeply grieved. And, rightfully so. Why wouldn't we grieve...painfully grieve - our children. We are called to grieve so that we may be comforted. Grieve!! Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted!!

I don't believe it was God's plan. Somehow...it just happened. He isn't surprised by what happened but I believe God grieves for our children. It would pain God to see our children suffer. Faith and God and burying our children is a tough combo. I am a woman of faith and even I struggle with...Why God. I believe my feelings are normal.

This website has a lot of great information on the grieving heart. Read as much as you are ready to. Whatever you are feeling is "normal!" Continue to reach out for help. One thing I have found over the past 3 years is that I can't do this alone. I thought I could - shutting the world out...but that simply is not true. We need to connect with those who are as messed up as we are.

If you have a church I would met with your pastor. I recently started attending church. And, have met 2x with the pastor. It's tough heading back to church but I feel glimpses of hope by doing so. I have come to learn that a lot of parents bury their children. I had no idea how common this is. It is shocking!!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs-

Apr 25, 2011
Life w/o our child
by: Anonymous

My son died 7 months ago (sept 20, 2010) by his own hands.. I will not lie to you & say it gets easier, I cry everyday, anything can trigger my tears because there's not a minute in the day he is not on my mind. I hate it when people make ridiculous comments like you should be happy you had for x amount yrs. or there in a better place or God had a plan. I want my son here with me, he was 36yrs old I wanted to see him grow old I'm not satisfied with just 36yrs. Maybe God did have a plan but I'm angry his plan included my son, a better place how does anyone know, have they ever been there?

I believe as time goes by we will learn to cope, but never get over it. Hopefully the tears will turn to smiles, I haven't learned to think of happy times yet, I still dwell on my loss. I do believe in God, but I'm also not afraid to be angry with him right now. I hope one day we can see the light at end of the tunnel & not stare at it like it's a train wreck. My heart breaks for you.

Apr 22, 2011
I completely understand....
by: Janice

....where you're coming from as I feel the same way as you described. My son died 11/24/10 in a similar way as yours. I'm coming up on the 5 month mark and I can truthfully say it is getting somewhat easier in some ways....but the longing and missing will always be there. Grief is a tough road to travel.....I've heard it compared to a roller coaster ride and I totally agree. Just know that there's a ton of others in this same club....parents who've lost children....although none of us would ever wish to be here. Hang in there and take one breath, one step at the time. Praying also helps....even though you're mad at God, He understands your pain....He lost a son, also. ]]]]]HUGS}}}}}

Apr 21, 2011
me to
by: Anonymous

I lost my beautiful daughter on the 7th of December 2010 an still cant eat just soup have lost 10kg cant sleep have nightmares of my Mel laying there dead she was alright when I left her the night before at the hospital then at 10.03 the next morning I got a call to leave work as she had had a turn then before I knew it she was dead they had overdosed her on medics just like that they took my baby she was 25 I cant touch anything of hers all the newspapers an the bag the funeral home gave me are in the corner in the lounge cant open the boot her suitcase an handbag are in there that I brought from the hospital that day I dont think it will ever get any easier how can it I have had a part of me ripped out-an have a great big hole in my heart

Apr 21, 2011
me too
by: maureen

Larissa, I lost my son Alan 27 years old and healthy. It was an accidental opiate overdose and he also passed out at a party and nobody got him medical help. My feelings are identical to yours and everything you are going through I am too even the panic attacks. At 6 months the pain has softened a tiny bit and they tell me things will get better. I rely on my friends and my church and pray alot when the pain gets to hard. I am praying for you now. If you would like to email me feel free mohun40@aol.com

Apr 21, 2011
by: AYO

I know how it feels. I just lost my 21yr old son . He was murdered in NOV 2010. He was coming back from college. A quiet and promising child. The thought of it all , devastates me. I keep imaging , '' WHY ? WHY?
There is hope, if the world is all about loving and grieving. It is a very tough price to pay for loving and living. The whole world looks empty to me now but I am hoping to get a better view as time goes on.

Reading through your story is part of the encouragement process. You and I , are not alone.
Take heart , as I intend to do.

Apr 21, 2011
I had to take my husband picture offf my cell phone
by: Maria

Hi Larissa,

I had to take my husbands picture off my cell phone it was just to painful. To see his memorial program is hard to so I just cover it up. I know it's there but just can't look at it. I take things out and then put them back up depending on the day. I have had people say look at the good times. I want to scream at them but I want him now alive and with me. God I miss my Husband. Take care of yourself and know that someone in Durham area is thinking of you and walking a similar path to what your walking through.

Apr 21, 2011
by: Shirley

Larissa...I too lost my son. He was 23 and died last August from leukemia. Grief is hard work. It's the hardest work you'll ever do. I go to compassionate friends every month. That helps a bit. Sending lots of hugs your way

Apr 20, 2011
by: Kay

I hear and feel your every word, and only a mother who has actually lost a child can understand the all consuming pain that we feel. I am so so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful son last year on May 11. I still cry most nights...when I look at his pictures I still cannot comprehend why or come to terms with losing my baby. I believe we go on living on the outside...but a piece of us dies with our child. I sent you love Larissa and please know you are in my thoughts. I fear no fate anymore, for the very worst thing possible has happened to me. I will for all eternity ache to hold my son in my arms, to hear his voice. I am lost just like you and many other beautiful women and men out there who have gone through this life altering pain of losing a child.
love and healing sent to you from me .xxx

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