I can't do this

by larissa
(henderson nc)

At this time I can't add his picture yet. I have a very hard time looking at pictures of his beautiful smiling face. My handsome son died 16 days ago and I can not handle it in any way shape or form. Greg was 26 years old. We do not yet know why he died. He was at home and fine at 4:45 pm. His uncle my brother in law had died the day before from cancer. Then the day before my babies funeral they told me my brother had died from complications of diabetes at age 60. but on Monday Greg was planning on cooking on the grill with his dad. Another friend of ours was here when our adult friends son pulled up Greg looked at him and said I gotta ride with him somewhere I'll be back in just a little while. Numerous text messages were on his phone when we got it back From a friend of ours an ADULT friend going through a 21 yr old friend of his asking over and over if my son could find a pill for them Opana was the pill. We have text messages from the man they eventually went to his house and got this pill from for the Adult friend. I was at work until 9:15 The police told us that they were told that my son was drinking a four loko and passed out around 7:30 or 8 and that they told the police that they had checked on my son every few minutes or so.. the coroner said he died between 10 and 10:30.. The adult friend called my husband Gregs daddy at 11pm in a calm voice and said Gregs passed out at my house you need to come get him. By then I was in the bed. my son supposedly was outside for 3 hours passed out. I do not believe that anyone checked on him. They let him lay in the yard and die like a dog no one cared about. It had been a long hard day at work. My normal everynight when I got off work was to call all my sons and see where they were. Usually Greg was home, rarely did he go anywhere much and if he did he wasn't gone long.
That night I did not call him or my other 2 sons. Greg was a very healthy boy 6'2 and 260 lbs. overweight but more big boned and big built. Even the time frame does not match up with what these people told the police but at this point they are not interested they said I have to be patient and wait for the autopsy to come back. They don't even want the text messages from the man selling the pills.
My mind can not comprehend why he can't come home. Why did this have to happen. Why is my son dead.. It screams over and over I know he didn't want to be dead. I only want to go to his grave and talk to him which I do for hours on end. Greg drank a lot which was a constant argument between he and I, mostly one at night during the week he'd buy one on the way home from work get his supper plate then he'd watch movies in his room but on the weekends he'd drink way more. As I said we dont' know what he died from yet I feel so guilty because I couldn't make him listen to me if the four loko is what killed him.. I feel guilty if I eat because I know how much he loved a good meal.. I feel guilty for being able to walk talk breath and sleep when I can because he can't. I cry endlessly I feel as if I have failed my son It was my job to take care of him.. Why did I not feel in my heart that night that something was very wrong and he needed help. I have a job I know I need to return to soon. But how do you go on living when he can't. I have never felt such pain and despair as I do now.. I can't eat and only can sleep with meds. My every thought is of him. I did go to the doctor yesterday my blood pressure and heart rate were really high. He said its severe anxiety and gave me xanex I do not think there is medicine to fix this and I told him so he said it wouldn't it would just help stop the rapid heart beats and panic attacks I have developed in the last week. Why do I get to live when he can't. People tell me God had a plan that he maybe did this to make a difference in someone elses life. that I need to be rejoicing that I had 26 years with him.. I can't at this point believe in a god that would take your child from you. and definitely you don't trade your child to make a difference. I literally feel as if I am going crazy. I love him so so so much and I dont' really believe he knew how much. I know he knew I loved him but I dont' believe that a child can know the depth of love a parent has for a child until they have one of their own and Greg didnt' get to live long enough to have any.. my mind screams over and over why can't he come home why did no one try to help him. He never passed out when he drank why oh why is he gone.. I still expect him to walk in the door from work or call and say ma what you gonna cook for supper.