I can't erase it

I am a 17 year old girl I lived with my mom. I took care of her most of my life because my mom was very over medicated and if i didn't watch her close enough she would fall asleep under water or on the stove. She was my momma though and I argued with her, but we had so many meaningful moments and I told her everything honestly. It was me and my boyfriends 11 month so I went to his house like usual. Mom had asked me to come home to wrap her bandages because she had burnt herself falling asleep on the stove, and I told her it was my 11th month. She understood and said I could go just to help her when I got home. I got home and went inside. I closed the door and noticed she was lying on the floor in a fetal position. I listened to her breathing I mean it was not rare for mom to fall asleep in weird places because of her medications. I couldn't hear a thing. I couldn't get a pulse on her. I called 911, and told them what had happened. They told me to turn her over and see if I could administer CPR. Her lips were blue and her airway obstructed they told me not to do CPR. The ambulance came as i sat in the corner. A police officer looked me in the face and said we are going to do everything we can, but you already know she is gone. I hated him. I still hate that officer. A volunteer fire fighter called my dad and helped me outside. My dad came and everyone of course automatically took pity on me. Oh you found her im so sorry everything. That isn't it though yes I would give everything to not have seen my mom that way but i took care of her and I couldn't. Everything next was terrible dad went against moms wishes and asked for a burial, and I had to entertain the stupid guest at the viewing. I was so mad, and I tried to not just cry all the time and they ripped off her necklace I had got her for Christmas so I took it and put it with her and told her elephants don't forget. My momma meant so much to me! I love her so much. No one can make a good potato soup like my mom. I know I have to go a day at a time, but I miss my mom. She has been gone 2 months and 17 days. My mom died of a massive heart attack and I try to walk every day in memory of her.

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Jul 07, 2013
The same story
by: Brittany Logan

Sweet girl, your story was so similar to mine it has me in tears. My heart goes out to you, I know what you are going through. Stay strong and live for her. I'm still speechless from how much in common we have in this situation. Everything... It's crazy. Have faith and keep on keeping on!

Jun 10, 2013
I can't erase it
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your mom to a sudden death. I know that being a caretaker of a loved one you can witness so much that becomes bad memories when they die. I have had this happen. So many bad memories have to come out of us so they will be there in our sub conscious mind for a while. Rather like a tape unwinding. I lost my husband 13 months ago to cancer and all I could remember was the sadness of the 3 yrs. I cared for him with a poor quality of life and in so much pain from the cancer I felt helpless seeing my beloved husband die slowly and in pain. He didn't want to die. He was so sad. I am now getting a mixture of memories and I cry more and feel my grief more. None of us can force grief to come. it happens automatically.
You were so young to be a caretaker to an adult. It is such a tough responsibility on young shoulders. I did it also for my mom, dad, and 5 siblings. None of us can erase bad memories. They will intrude and then in time they should work their way out of our mind. If you struggle with this you should go and see a grief counsellor to assist you with your grief. Many of us feel angry about the sorts of things that happen in our family. Especially if someone's wishes are not honoured e.g. burial or cremation. I had to go against my husband's wishes and give him a burial as my husband's family were upset. It was against their religion to cremate. It is seen as a curse on the family. So I buried my husband in honour of his family. They still gave me a hard time. But what is important is that I did it for the right reasons. I also respected them, and I am sure my husband would have been happy that I honoured his family. In his Will he stated that he leaves the final wishes to me so I didn't feel guilty for my decision.
When someone dies it can cause chaos in the family with different cultures, and different views. WE have to try and find some harmony and balance in the decisions we make/made. So that we can go through our life with some level of PEACE. You are Young and not mature enough in years or emotions to do things differently. But on this site when you read different stories and experiences you will find something that will help you to feel better, and normal. Grief is what we all go through. WE don't learn to do it well. WE learn as we live one day at a time. One day God is going to erase those painful memories of Death and sorrow and grief and destroy death forever. He promised this in the Bible. I claim this promise and look forward to being reunited with my loved one's that have passed away. I hope you find Comfort and Peace from your loss of your mom and be supported well on this site and from your family and friends.

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