I can't go on without my mama
I didn't know it when I got up that morning but that day changed my life forever. I had class at the college and when I got out I had plans to go to a friend's house for supper. My husband and I were at my friends house when I got a call from a friend that lived down the street from my parents that there was an ambulance at the house. I remember hanging up on her. Then my youngest brother who was 17 called me and just said "it's mama" I asked him what happened. He said it was mama and they were doing CPR. I told him to tell me what was going on and he told me he couldn't go back in there. I ran out to the truck and we were on our way. I was panicking. What happened? my husband had called my dad and he said the ambulance was headed to the hospital. We made it there before the ambulance did. I watched as they pulled my mother out on the stretcher and they we're still doing chest compressions on her. I lost it. My dad finally made it up there. We're both crying when a nurse pulled us back to a family waiting room. That was where she broke the news that they did everything they could but couldn't bring her back. I will never forget the feeling I felt when those words came out of her mouth. She let us go see her. There she was lying on the bed with the tube still hanging out of her mouth from the CPR. I don't remember how long we were there. But I'm sure it was hours. I sat there and held her hand as I begged and pleaded she wake up and come back to me. I apologized and screamed and cried for all the things I had done to her throughout my life. I was 21 years old. What was I to do without a mother? The next few days getting arrangements set up were a blur. I was completely numb. I stepped up as the oldest child and helped my dad with decisions. I even did my mom's makeup for the wake. Because I wasn't going to let some stranger that didn't know her do that. And it's what she would have wanted. If it wasn't for the being numb I wouldn't have gotten through all of that. It's been 9 months since she died and the hurt is still there. It has changed who I am. The depression and anxiety is unbearable. I had to be put on an antidepressant because I was hurting . The pain hasn't gotten better and I don't know if it ever will get better. So much has been going on in my life. And she was my go to person. And I don't have that anymore. I don't like talking about it to anyone anymore. I feel like the dark cloud that brings everyone down. So i write about it. But I still feel the hurt, pain, anger, sadness everything. I don't know how to live without her. She won't be there when I have kids. And that hurts too. I'm still a child. I need my mother.