I can't go on without my mama

by Cassie
(US )

I didn't know it when I got up that morning but that day changed my life forever. I had class at the college and when I got out I had plans to go to a friend's house for supper. My husband and I were at my friends house when I got a call from a friend that lived down the street from my parents that there was an ambulance at the house. I remember hanging up on her. Then my youngest brother who was 17 called me and just said "it's mama" I asked him what happened. He said it was mama and they were doing CPR. I told him to tell me what was going on and he told me he couldn't go back in there. I ran out to the truck and we were on our way. I was panicking. What happened? my husband had called my dad and he said the ambulance was headed to the hospital. We made it there before the ambulance did. I watched as they pulled my mother out on the stretcher and they we're still doing chest compressions on her. I lost it. My dad finally made it up there. We're both crying when a nurse pulled us back to a family waiting room. That was where she broke the news that they did everything they could but couldn't bring her back. I will never forget the feeling I felt when those words came out of her mouth. She let us go see her. There she was lying on the bed with the tube still hanging out of her mouth from the CPR. I don't remember how long we were there. But I'm sure it was hours. I sat there and held her hand as I begged and pleaded she wake up and come back to me. I apologized and screamed and cried for all the things I had done to her throughout my life. I was 21 years old. What was I to do without a mother? The next few days getting arrangements set up were a blur. I was completely numb. I stepped up as the oldest child and helped my dad with decisions. I even did my mom's makeup for the wake. Because I wasn't going to let some stranger that didn't know her do that. And it's what she would have wanted. If it wasn't for the being numb I wouldn't have gotten through all of that. It's been 9 months since she died and the hurt is still there. It has changed who I am. The depression and anxiety is unbearable. I had to be put on an antidepressant because I was hurting . The pain hasn't gotten better and I don't know if it ever will get better. So much has been going on in my life. And she was my go to person. And I don't have that anymore. I don't like talking about it to anyone anymore. I feel like the dark cloud that brings everyone down. So i write about it. But I still feel the hurt, pain, anger, sadness everything. I don't know how to live without her. She won't be there when I have kids. And that hurts too. I'm still a child. I need my mother.

Comments for I can't go on without my mama

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May 22, 2013
Time To Be Strong
by: Federio

I know sadly what Dear Cassie is talking. I suffered the same, but time after and with the help of known people and friends, I learned this hard lesson. Dear Cassie, I'm so sorry for your lost. Unfortunately, life goes on, and We must wake and go forward.

May 22, 2013
I can't go on without my mama.
by: Doreen U.K.

Cassie I am sorry for your loss of your mom. What you have experienced I know all about. It is the worst ever to see the person you loved lying there without life in them. I did the same as you. Got to the hospital late and mom was gone. I screamed and cried and didn't get the chance to see her at all. That was 10yrs. ago. I still miss her presence but I have healed from this loss. It is the loss of my husband 1yr. ago that I won't get over. We were married 44yrs. but He was working so we in all those years we didn't get to spend quality time. He is just about to retire and looking forward to this and ends up with a deadly cancer that is incurable. I will never forget the anxiety and fear and anger at him getting cancer from his workplace. This is the loss that hurts me most. Numbness has its advantages, till we get our heads around our loss and can deal with it. Keep a journal and keep writing to get this grief out of your system. It is where your healing will come from. This hurt and pain is the worst that will ever assault our body and mind. Life will never be the same for any of us. We just learn in time to cope with our loss.

May 21, 2013
I'm so sorry
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry about your mother. I lost my Dad suddenly also - in January. He suffered Cardiac Arrest and collapsed. There was nothing the ER doctors could do. Even though it has been several months, I can relate because my father was my "go to guy" - he was my everything. I saw him almost everyday. I have two beautiful children of my own and a loving husband, but the hole left by my father is so incredibly big that I don't know how I will ever get used to this - sometimes I physically hurt. My mother is so, so sad, and it breaks my heart to see her this way. I try to spend as much time with her as I can, but I am not a replacement for him, and I can't replicate what they had. I am an only child, so it seems even harder. All I can tell you is try and have faith and take comfort knowing that she didn't suffer. You will find a lot of support here - I wish you comfort and peace.

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