I cant stop crying( I know my grammer isnt very good im only 12)

by Stephanie

When i was 9 i lost my mom to cancer and we didn't know where it was but i was very rude to my mom and mean to her before she died for stupid reasons like not being able to go to a school dance or she cut my vegetables to small and id always scream and blame her for everything and took EVERYTHING for granted... I REMEMBER IT LIKE YESTERDAY it haunts me the way she looked almost dead in the hospital bed and I was only 9 and my sister was 6 and my sister did not understand that she was dying and nor did i but i still hear my sister say " Mommy will you get me some chocolate milk" and I said " mommy are you comming home?" and i remember my dad bursting into tears saying " I don't know if mommy is comming home tonight because she has to go to work" (which was a COMPLETE lie) and we went home. The next night Friday November, 27 I was just home from Girl Guides with baskets of gifts and I said" daddy look what people gave me its not even my birthday" then it hit me he was crying and crying and told me to sit down on the couch and he said " I don't know how to tell you this but mommy isnt going to be home anymore but shes always going to be with you .. in your heart.. and then he said mommy isnt going to be home anymore because the sickness mommy had took over her whole body and lifted her up to the angels" I cryed for days and days but 3 years later ( now) I still cry all the time recently I don't know why its just bothering me so much and i really need someone to talk to but im not a very open person and what kills me the most is that I NEVER TOLD HER I LOVED HER BEFORE and I regret that so much and I feel so bad about it and im crying about it right now as i read this and I want to just give up on things but I know thats not what she wanted from me so I WONT but sometimes i need a hug but I act like and look like a very strong, happy person but on the inside im just falling apart and i don't like it

Comments for I cant stop crying( I know my grammer isnt very good im only 12)

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 17, 2012
Added information for Stephane 12
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Stephanie
I know I sent you a long email but I forgot to mention to you that keeping a journal would help you also in your grief.
This journal is just a lovely notebook which you could write out all your thoughts and feelings about your mother and what she meant to you. Make it real and as if you were talking to your mother.
You may want to change how you write later.
This is a very therapeutic way of moving forward in your grief and will be a reminder in later years of your experience and how bad it was and you will see how you have moved forward into a healthier place. The will be YOUR MEMORIES.
Hold onto this and keep writing till you feel better. This may also help your sister she could keep her own journal as you both had differnt life experiences even though you have the same mother.
Best wishes

Jun 17, 2012
I am 12 and unhappy losing my mother
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Stephanie
Sweetheart I am sorry for your loss of your mother. You girls are way too young to deal with this loss all by yourself and you need to get your Dad to get you some counselling otherwise you won't be able to resolve difficulties. You need to talk about and this loss otherwise it will have an affect on you later in life and you may have difficult relationships as a result whether having friends or getting married we often just take the baggage as it is called into new relationships and this could cause you frustration in life and make you unhappy. Try to resolve each difficulty in life when it happens otherwise it will be too much to handle at one time.
You are grieving Stephanie and so will your sister be also and so you both need to know that part of the grief is feeling the way you do. Crying a lot of the time and living with the unhappiness of all the things you wanted to say to your mother and didn't get the chance to say. You will also be as you say unhappy about all the mean things you said to your mother and wished you hadn't said.
It is part of life to say horrid things at your age. You were a child. Now you are older and more mature it bothers you. If you talk things over with a counsellor somehow those issues evaporate and won't bother you. Then the ones that sill bother you, You will have to let go of and forgive yourself for. As humans we will live with REGRET till the day we die. You can live a life learning from this experience so that when you resolve issues and your behaviour is as it should be you will live with less REGRETS.
I am a grandmother and I have a child of 43yrs. 40 yrs. 31 yrs. And boy do I live with regrets all the time and so I have to take my own advice I have given you. Only it is easier when you are younger to do the grief work. We will grieve over losses all our lives as we go on to lose things e.g. jobs, homes, people, pets, friends. This is part of life. Grieve each loss well at the time and you won't store unhappiness and then wonder what is going on inside of you.
Go to your Dad for that hug and hug your sister and try to build up a good relationship with your Dad and sister that will stand you in good stead for the future. When you bond with your father and sister you will have a relationship that all of you can be happy with and be a FAMILY. Because that is what you are it is just fractured due to the loss of your mother.
Be happy Stephanie and have a happy life and make the most of it. Every Sucess for the future for you all as a FAMILY.

Jun 16, 2012
Your mom knew you loved her
by: Valerie

Sweetheart, my heart aches for you and if you need to talk and need a hug I hope you can go to your dad because very likely he needs the same things from you and your sister. And if you need to talk to a counselor of some kind I hope you can either ask your dad to take you or ask a grown up at school if they can refer you to someone. You need help giving up your guilt. And remember, you were only 9 when your mother died. No one expects you to be an adult. You were acting exactly the way a frightened and upset 9 year old is supposed to act. And by the way, your younger sister needs you. Please encourage her to talk to you about how she feels.

Jun 16, 2012
Tell her you love her...she can hear you
by: Bernadina

Dear child, I lost my beautiful son Danu three years ago. For the first two years I felt more guilt than i could handle. Finally, his voice told me I must let the guilt go and simply love him. I had
serious reason to feel guilty.
Now, the guilt is not the centre of my universe. When I think of my
son, his being floods mine and for a moment, we are one.
Think of your beautiful mother, and she will be with you. She will
help you as only a mother can.
Who we are is so vast, we need a body to contain us. The body
dies and the being within lives eternal. It can be many places at
one time and it is always listening for the sound of its loved-ones
voice calling to it. A mother's job is never done.
Talk to your mother. Tell her how much you love her. Share your child life with her. If you have a decision to make, ask her about it,
and then listen to the voice that comes from the heart. It is hers'. The miracle never stops. She lives in your love. We need
to know that. She needs your love. My heart goes out to you
and I hope these words will help you open the door to eternal love. Bernadina

Jun 16, 2012
I Can't stop crying
by: Catherine

Dear Stephanie,
Your poor girl. I feel very bad for you and wish I could give you a hug. Please don't keep feeling regrets and blaming yourself for what you did or did not say to your Mom before she died. Every kid does things like that and your Mom would not like you to keep thinking about that and would not have let those little things bother her. She was just glad to have you and was so sick that she had to leave and not suffer any more.
I lost my Mom when I was nine too and in those days, I lived in England and it was the custom it seems to not tell children about death to shield them from it I guess but I did not know my mother was really gone until much later. I think I believed for a long time that she was coming back. It wasn't a good way but my relatives thought they were doing the best thing.
Just try to remember the good times you had with your Mom and how much she loved you and you her.
The reason I am on this site is because I lost my daughter, also named Stephanie seven months ago and I also lost my son in 1997 so I am familiar with losing those I loved.
Keep visiting this site and you will get some comfort from it and know that other people care for you. Try to be close to your Dad because I remember how brokenhearted my father was without my mother.
You need your family now and if you stick close, it will help you a lot too.
I am thinking about you and don't want you to feel so sad. Your Mom is out of her pain now and resting in Heaven and I believe she looks down on you and would not want to see you to suffer like this.
God bless you and hugs from Cathy

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!