I couldn't believe it...my father is dead.

by BP
(Pennsylvania )

I just lost my dad last week. I found out through Facebook unbelievably...I guess they couldn't find our numbers because his address book was hard to find. We lost contact with him a couple years ago even though we made multiple upon multiple attempts to contact him. My mom had brought up some major issues that had happened in the past and seemed to have the most negative effect on him. He totally had cut us out of his life. We had done nothing wrong so I didn't understand. We told him that we didn't care about the past...we just wanted a relationship with him. My greatest fear was that he would die and my sisters and I wouldn't know...that's exactly what happened.

They found his body in his apartment after 2-3days of being dead. He died of the blockage and hardening of his Arteries...he was only 58years old. His body was so badly decomposed that we weren't even able to embalm him or see him one last time. We decided to have him cremated which I wasn't for in the beginning..but the thought of not embalming him would feel like a disrespect to his body.

I've been having good and bad days..ups and downs. Another hard part about this is that he has so much stuff in his apartment and we have to go through it all. It seems as though I'm learning more about my dad after death than when he was living. I never understood my father but wanted to. What I wanted most was resolution and for him to know that we loved him. I don't feel like I will ever get the type of resolution I was looking for but I have to make peace with it. I have to accept all these facts and use it to grow and mature as a person. I've learned so much through this horrific experience. I refuse to allow it to damage me...it has brought me closer to my family and friends and I am thankful for that. I know this road without my father is going to be hard but I will try and let go of the "what ifs and the could of beens".

Comments for I couldn't believe it...my father is dead.

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Jun 12, 2014
I'm sorry of your loss, thank you for sharing
by: Anonymous

Your story will help others

Jun 09, 2014
I couldn't believe it... my father is dead.
by: Doreen UK

You are very sensible in your outlook. It must have been a shock to hear about your father's death this way.
Your father may have had some emotional problems that he kept to himself and didn't want to share. It could have affected your mother's life and so she wanted resolution and your father just ran off, which could be a mark of immaturity. Your mother probably needed to confront some issues from the past that was affecting her life and she needed some answers that perhaps made your father feel guilty so he ran away. When we don't resolve difficulties from the past that affected one's life it can cause emotional difficulties that leaves many couples not able to live together. If they live together it won't be an honest relationship but a false one. Perhaps your mother couldn't live this way so she had to speak out.
I did the same thing. Had to confront issues from the past that affected my son when his dad was dying of cancer. He ran off and never came back. Unfortunately many people can't live a false life in a relationship. A lot of resolution can come with maturity. You would have needed your father's co-operation to make a good relationship. It takes two.
When someone dies in an estranged relationship it can throw up all sorts of pain by discovering things you needed to know and weren't told. Almost as if you meant nothing to that person. You will have to learn to leave everything with your father. He had many responsibilities he didn't live up to which affected you and your family. Don't beat yourself up. In time you will learn to live with the knowledge that your father had difficulties he kept to himself. It affected your life. You will eventually find peace through grief. This is the hard part of grief letting go of what we can't resolve. It takes time. Meanwhile be good to yourself and live your life well. Don't let the past influence your present or future otherwise go and see a counsellor to help resolve what you can from your past that may be affecting you now and will in the future. I did it, and it works. trials and difficulties in life helps us mature and can draw us close together. You will move forward in time and you will resolve as much as you can in life. Find your purpose in life and let that purpose fill the VOID in your life that your father left you holding. I hope you find peace in time. I am sorry for your loss.

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