I Cut My Hair
There are things that are so easy to do when our beloved are with us. Those things that we do because it makes them happy and it does not make us unhappy. We do it because we love them.
John liked my hair long, I cut it once and he made the sad face for a week until I told him I would grow it back. Of course then he said he loved me either way, but I knew he like this, so I kept it long. I loved him, it made him happy and I like that.
Last week was a bad workweek, just crazy in the office, bad weather, and of course, the random tears that still come. So on Saturday I went to the salon to get my hair trimmed. And the girl who does my hair said, well how about something a little different. I said sure, and she said how about going short just for the summer. And I sat in the chair, for what felt like an eternity. If I went home and told John I did it for the summer he would be fine, I actually reached for my phone (maybe I would call first, I hate the sad face LOL) then I put down my purse and said sure why not.
Because that is where I am now, why not cut it off. There is no one that is happy because I have it long. There is no one to make the sad face because I cut it. It just does not matter. So now I have what I am told is a cute hair cut, and I hate it, not that it is bad, but it represents one more thing in my life I do not have anymore. I do not have someone who loves me and wants to look at me. I do not have the person who had an opinion about my hair. I do not have the person who I cared had an opinion about my hair.
I would give the world to look at him. I do not get that either.
So I cut my hair. And I am without my John. And no matter how much time goes by, it just keeps hammering home. I cannot do this without him, I do not want to.
One breath, one-step one day at a time.