I don't care one way or another (wish I did)

by HH
(VA)

Wonder if there is any truth to the lyrics only the good die young. My honey was only 45. He was such a good man and everyone he worked with knew he was a hard worker with a sense of humor to keep things interesting. I miss him sooo much and as I try to make a new life for myself I miss him more. I know that doesn't make sense to start a new life and want him with me. We all know that is not to be.

With him we could conquer the day the world anything. Being alone has really made me...un motivated. All the work projects I have always done. I just don't care.

I know that is bad, lazy. If my child is fed and clothed that is enough. There is so much that needs to be done in and with this house. I have a painter coming to prime 2 rooms, then I will Hafta paint em.

Ridiculous! I don't know how to force pride so I plod on and just get through another day not really caring one way or another. That is soooooo not me.
HH

Comments for I don't care one way or another (wish I did)

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Aug 05, 2014
I still don't care
by: D

Hi
I am with all of you.....but its been over 5 yrs!! I'm trying to get papers etc to try to go to counseling.....but I have to find that energy to get dressed first......I hope everyone hangs in there...Dee

Jan 29, 2011
I can sympathise with what you're feeling
by: Eunice

I can most certainly understand what you mean about just not caring. It's a good thing I don't have a job, I was laid off in 2007, but was taking nursing classes until I felt that my husband was far too ill to be left alone most of the day several days a week. Most days I struggle to even get out of bed, then I make it as far as the couch to watch or attempt to watch TV. My husband passed away on November 21st of 2010. I managed to stay focused mainly due to the fact my family was down here from KY to make it through all of the funeral services decisions and the services themselves. The aftermath, has been a mess, I occasionally make it over to see my father-in-law.

Upon listening to the hospice Chaplin giving my husband's services, I felt an overwhelming urge to ask him if he did church services, which he does, so I attend them. Trying to find answers and solace, I believe. Other than that I rarely left my house, therefore not even getting dressed most days. Recently Hospice sent me a councelor to the house, she in turn recommended that I come to group counceling, sometimes it helps.

But this house that used to be full of laughter and hearing his voice and seeing his smiling face always, no matter how sick he was, that is now empty and so quiet and unnerving at times. I'm at a loss for the most part. If it weren't for the constant calls from my oldest son, and my friends who all live in KY calling to check on me in general and to make sure I'm taking my medication and eating.

I love them, but sometimes, I even neglect to answer the phone, because I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Had thoughts of going back to school, but I just honestly don't think I can go back to nursing again. The councelor tells me, it'll get better in time, but when is my big question, because right now, nothing feels right.

All my best to you that things will work out for you and that you'll feel better in time.

Jan 27, 2011
I'm right here with you
by: Jackie

Hi, I'm in this same spot. I could care less about anything. I feel your pain. I miss Loni so much sometimes it hurts to breathe. I hope you will continue on this path as best you can. Leave the walls unpainted for awhile, maybe one day you will get up and be inspired.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I talk to my husband every morning when I get up and every night before I go to bed. I don't know about you but I haven't had a good night sleep in many moths. We are all in this together, we can share our strength with each other. Have a blessed day.

Jan 25, 2011
Finding Our Way
by: PatJ

HH~
You've responded to many of my ramblings with such kind words. I can feel your pain with this last post.

I wish I had an answer. My husband has been gone only two months and I feel just like you do. I'm existing. Getting through the days the best I can. I went to visit some friends of ours over the weekend (such a great couple ~ we both stood up in their wedding 21 years ago). I laughed and laughed with them like we always did~then I cried the entire two hour drive home because Joe wasn't there. We all knew something was missing. I've felt very sluggish and lazy the past two days. I'm mourning for the old life I had when the four of us would go off and have such a great time. These two people are our best friends and I can't just leave them in the dust and look for new friends. They're like family to me. I have to learn to be with them and not think about the old times we all spent together ~ but how in God's name do I do that?

We just have to keep praying and finding our way. I almost equate it to being blind and someone re-arranged all of the furniture. We have to feel our way through until things seem right again. I'm a very impatient person so I know that's going to be a while for me.
Blessings to you. Hope this finds you feeling a little better.
PJ

Jan 25, 2011
Not caring
by: Judy

Hope,

I went through months of not caring about anything, the housekeeping, my job, keeping the gray out of my hair, picking up the mail. You name it there was a time that I just let it slide.
Oh I showed up to work on time and paid the bills but I certainly was not the efficient, organized Judy that everyone knew. Finally a coworker said to me, "You know I've never seen you without eye make-up and you never smile, Something is radically wrong."

Yes it was. I was so depressed I didn't care about anything. I believe you may be more depressed than you think you are and hope that you will talk to your doctor or a mental health professional about it. I nearly killed myself physically from stupidity and neglect before I asked for help with the depression issues because ..I just didn't care. There's no shame in needing help through the grieving process. It's just like having a sore that won't heal over.

I don't mean to lecture a tough lady like you who has actually sustained me over these months on this site. But I hope you'll think about it. For yourself and your son and the life that's our path now.

Take care,

Judy

Jan 24, 2011
I don't care one way
by: M Mack

Hi Hope,

Be proud of yourself for the effort. That's a good sign. You are trying to go forward because you have to. Don't feel guilty for trying, it's what Paul would want you to do.

Today is 6 months since I lost Ray and the way I feel......things could fall on my head and I wouldn't care. We do what we can when we can and that's the face of grief.

I pray for all of us to go forward out of necessity....even if we don't care. Maybe that's what helps the healing. Don't paint the walls black!

Jan 24, 2011
I don't care either (wish I did)
by: Donna

Hope, I know exactly where you are at right now. I am in the same place. I have found that I really don't care about much of anything anymore. The one who made my world go round is gone. Bryan was my motivation in life. Anything and everything I did I did either for Bryan or with him in mind. He was a born leader, he could get anyone motivated. I also have so many things that need to be done around and to the house. I know what to do I just can't seem to get myself motivated. I don't want anyone coming over because my house is a wreck. The worst part is I just don't care anymore. Why should I? Bryan is not here anymore. I hope and pray that this will pass and soooon. until then i go one step one breath one day at a time

Jan 24, 2011
Motivation
by: Zoe

Hope
Isn't that the way it is now we feel the pain and sorrow
Motivation no
That means we are going forward and that is away from our love and the life we chose
So now we deal with what has been forced upon us

I am not motivated to live without John
Anymore than you want to live without your Paul

However time moves us, life moves us, I call it mechanical movement it happens but not necessarily from our desire it is what we have to do
And for now I think that is good to do what you have to
And if what you want to involves staring out the window do that too
This is what it is we cannot force it and I think if we try it will bite us in the brumpous

I still discuss all decisions with John if I buy something it is with him in mind it is the way I survive

And when it comes down to it what we have to do is survive this place we now live
And you have !!!! your child is loved and cared for, your electricity is still on you are surviving
more than that I am not sure when how or if it comes
Just know we are here for you
If we were close enough we'd come help you paint

One breath one step one day at a time


Jan 24, 2011
Neither do I
by: Judith

Dear HH, I say I don't care a lot now. My adult son will tell me something and I respond with I don't care and he doesn't know what to do. I used to care so deeply about a lot of things but the most important person has died. I'm not saying my son isn't important but you know what I mean. I, too, wonder why the murderers live and seem to be healthy and then He takes the good ones old or not. I want our life back the way it was before he became so ill and forgot a lot. My heart still aches over many things.

You take care and pray for God to give you the strength to carry on as we must.

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