I don't even know how to title this? Lost.. Heart Broken... Numb???

by Sarah Payne
(Marble mn)

The mad hatter: Alice? Have I gone mad ?

Alice: I am afraid so. You are entirely bonkers.
But I will tell you a secret. All the best
People are.

On the night of December 22nd 2012 I had gotten off work and was headed to my boyfriends house to pick him up. We had plans to go to a friends house. I walked in greeted him and his mother and proceeded to the bathroom to change out of my work clothes. As soon as I shut the door behind me I heard screaming. Wondering what was going on I opened the door and as I did I froze in total terror. I shut the door . My husband ( with whom I had I been with for almost 10 years, married to for 5, and in the beginnings of a divorce) had violated the order for protection I had received just days before and was now standing in the living room screaming at Paul and his mother. Quickly I decided well if I just run out of here he will follow me and they will be safe. I opened the door walked out and the rest is a blur of images noises and terror I will never forget. My husband , Levi, shot both Paul and his mother while I watched to scared to move. All I could do was beg him over and over dont kill me please don't kill me what about our girls they need their mom what have you done what have you done please don't kill me. He kidnapped me at gun point and made me drive him about 20 miles . The gun was pointed at me until about a half a mile before I dropped him off . He set the gun down on the seat between us and I grabbed it and threw it out the window. He instructed me to let him out and I did he was then taken into custody by law enforcement.

I assumed both victims were dead. All I could think about were my sweet baby girls age 5 and 16 months. I went to get them from his parents house but once I pulled in the drive way I couldn't get out of the vehicle. Being in shock is the oddest feeling I have ever felt. At the time I didn't know I was in shock. It was like an overwhelming sense of peace or I guess numbness would be better to describe it. I backed my vehicle out of the drive way and had no clue where I was going. Home? My friends house maybe? The one thing that didn't even cross my mind was that I neede to go to the police station. I eventually was taken into custody for questioning.

When I found out both victims had been air lifted to a hospital and alive I can't even describe the relief that I felt. Gun shots to the head and surviving wow. Paul's mother didn't survive. Paul is doing amazing in rehab at this time. His quality of life however will never be the same.

The last couple months of my life have been a blur a bad dream I don't even feel alive. I am just existing day to day. At first all I could focus on was Paul and prayin for a miracle I spent day and night at the hospital while everyone said he wasn't going to make it he would be a vegetable never talk never walk. I got the miracle I begged God for. All glory be to him. Paul survived.

Now reality is setting in. Without the financial support of my husband I do not know how I am going to provide for my children. Every day is a struggle. I thank god for the support of what little family I have. My children are now fatherless and the oldest one blames me for not loving her dad. I can't help but think if only I would of stayed and been miserable I would have made so many lives better. I feel horrible guilt anxiety and depression every day. I feel like everyone is staring at me every where I go talking about me judging me. I can't sleep and some days as sick as it sounds I wish Levi was here. To father our children to clean up the garage to cut firewood. To talk to.

I don't know when I lost myself I think it was probably a long time before any of this happened but today I don't even know who I am. When I look in the mirror I see all the things I think other people see. Whore bad mother alcoholic ect. I am so tired of being sad. I just want things back to normal. But they never will be. This is not where I pictured my self at 26 years old. What do I do now? Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Comments for I don't even know how to title this? Lost.. Heart Broken... Numb???

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Feb 26, 2013
You are not Alone Sarah
by: Linda

Its important for me to thank God that You, Paul and your little girls have survived this tragedy. It saddens me that Paul has lost his mother, that he himself has to struggle with his recovery and that your eldest daughter blames you for no longer having her father. A child her age is not capable of taking in and fully understanding the full details of the situation. Right now she's confused and angry and looking for some kind of explanation to all this. She may be upset with you now, but that will not last. Both of your girls will grow up and will have to deal with the complete details of what their father has done, and will have their own interpretation of the situation. All you can do is love them. But you understand the details. You can look at the possibilities and see the outcomes because they took place right before your eyes. You have your reasons as to why you no longer wanted to stay in a marriage with Levi, and despite what those reasons may have been, they were your reasons, and that's all that was needed for you to make that choice. Do not let anyone, not even yourself, try to tell you that you made the wrong choice. Don't even think for one second that any of this was a result of your actions. I don't know anything about Levi other than the fact that he was capable of committed a crime such as this. And that reason is all his own. There are so many things in this world that try to twist, turn, confuse and break us all over, many times they succeed. Sometimes they can do the most unimaginable thing, and take all that we are, but only if we let them. Levi let it take him. Don't let it take you. The most important thing to know is that we are not alone in our struggle against the ugliness of this world. You mentioned God, so I'm assuming that you know Him and what I'm trying to say when I say we are not alone, that you are not alone. I've experienced tragedies of my own as well, and the ONE thing I've found that can wash away all that pain, all that sorrow, all that fear is JESUS CHRIST. Sarah, it is so easy to give into the pain and to get lost and tangled up in the struggle, sometimes we don't even realize how far into the hole we have fallen until we look up and can no longer see a hint of light, and we begin to feel that all hope is lost for us. But today it has been weighed heavily on my heart to tell you that hope is not lost, and it is reaching out to you today. You are not alone, Paul is not alone, Your girls are not alone and even Levi is not alone. Christ loves you, enough to die on the cross to defeat death for you. Enough to rise from the dead and cleanse the ugliness of this world completely off of you. Look to him Sarah, fully look to him, give your heart to him, and rest on him. Don't worry about your finances, give it all to God. He wants all of you first, Trust Him!! When you look in the mirror know that you are not a reflection of the comments of judgmental people, you are a beautiful, redeemed child of God.

Feb 24, 2013
you are a strong beautiful woman
by: Anonymous

You are a strong woman and I know you can get through those. There is a light on the other side of this dark tunnel. You are a very brave soul

Feb 24, 2013
I don't even know how to tiele this? Lost.. Heart Broken... Numb???
by: Doreen U.K.

Sarah your story is a very sad one. Because you are still struggling with your emotional, mental, and physical tragedy and loss you need to go to your doctor and let him get you a good counsellor. You need good support with this heavy problem. You will not be able to move forward on your own without support in such a very disturbing experience.
Your children will also benefit from you getting help for yourself. You also need to tap into some counselling for them. They are too young to understand and blame you for what happened. You could not possibly stay in a marriage with a man like this who left you emotionally scarred. This would be soul destroying for you and your children. You all need to be FREE and live with the freedom everyone deserves in life. Your husband is a very sick man to have shot his mother and Paul. If anyone is feeling so very angry and out of control they should speak to someone and get some anger management support. This is the wise thing to do. CONTROLLING is not the answer and does not bring respect to a marriage. A person should only stay in a marriage for the right reasons. Otherwise it is very destructive to everyone. A counsellor would be able to tap into support for you all round which means getting your financial situation put into place. You shouldn't have to struggle with this on your own. There is help out there. Get friends or family members on your side to support you. It will seem like an uphill struggle for you. You can also reach out to other organisations and even the church for support. You need to do something. don't ignore this problem. It won't go away on its own. It wouldn't even be wise to stay with your husband for financial reasons. You sound tired and as if you don't know what to do. Don't give up. Keep strong. Reach out to other's for support. Believe in yourself. Write back and let us know how you are doing.

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