I don't even know how to title this? Lost.. Heart Broken... Numb???
by Sarah Payne
The mad hatter: Alice? Have I gone mad ?
Alice: I am afraid so. You are entirely bonkers.
But I will tell you a secret. All the best
On the night of December 22nd 2012 I had gotten off work and was headed to my boyfriends house to pick him up. We had plans to go to a friends house. I walked in greeted him and his mother and proceeded to the bathroom to change out of my work clothes. As soon as I shut the door behind me I heard screaming. Wondering what was going on I opened the door and as I did I froze in total terror. I shut the door . My husband ( with whom I had I been with for almost 10 years, married to for 5, and in the beginnings of a divorce) had violated the order for protection I had received just days before and was now standing in the living room screaming at Paul and his mother. Quickly I decided well if I just run out of here he will follow me and they will be safe. I opened the door walked out and the rest is a blur of images noises and terror I will never forget. My husband , Levi, shot both Paul and his mother while I watched to scared to move. All I could do was beg him over and over dont kill me please don't kill me what about our girls they need their mom what have you done what have you done please don't kill me. He kidnapped me at gun point and made me drive him about 20 miles . The gun was pointed at me until about a half a mile before I dropped him off . He set the gun down on the seat between us and I grabbed it and threw it out the window. He instructed me to let him out and I did he was then taken into custody by law enforcement.
I assumed both victims were dead. All I could think about were my sweet baby girls age 5 and 16 months. I went to get them from his parents house but once I pulled in the drive way I couldn't get out of the vehicle. Being in shock is the oddest feeling I have ever felt. At the time I didn't know I was in shock. It was like an overwhelming sense of peace or I guess numbness would be better to describe it. I backed my vehicle out of the drive way and had no clue where I was going. Home? My friends house maybe? The one thing that didn't even cross my mind was that I neede to go to the police station. I eventually was taken into custody for questioning.
When I found out both victims had been air lifted to a hospital and alive I can't even describe the relief that I felt. Gun shots to the head and surviving wow. Paul's mother didn't survive. Paul is doing amazing in rehab at this time. His quality of life however will never be the same.
The last couple months of my life have been a blur a bad dream I don't even feel alive. I am just existing day to day. At first all I could focus on was Paul and prayin for a miracle I spent day and night at the hospital while everyone said he wasn't going to make it he would be a vegetable never talk never walk. I got the miracle I begged God for. All glory be to him. Paul survived.
Now reality is setting in. Without the financial support of my husband I do not know how I am going to provide for my children. Every day is a struggle. I thank god for the support of what little family I have. My children are now fatherless and the oldest one blames me for not loving her dad. I can't help but think if only I would of stayed and been miserable I would have made so many lives better. I feel horrible guilt anxiety and depression every day. I feel like everyone is staring at me every where I go talking about me judging me. I can't sleep and some days as sick as it sounds I wish Levi was here. To father our children to clean up the garage to cut firewood. To talk to.
I don't know when I lost myself I think it was probably a long time before any of this happened but today I don't even know who I am. When I look in the mirror I see all the things I think other people see. Whore bad mother alcoholic ect. I am so tired of being sad. I just want things back to normal. But they never will be. This is not where I pictured my self at 26 years old. What do I do now? Thank you for taking the time to read my story.