i dont know what to do anymore

by Krystal Burt
(Gilbert, AZ)

Bryan was my best friend from the time we were little. We fought ALL the time but at the end of the day it was just us. Through dad dying, moms boyfriends good and bad, her eventual marriage he was there. He made me laugh when I wanted to break down.

Before mom got married she sent my brother (he was 16) to live with my grandma. He got caught smoking pot and would not stop. Mom tried everything she knew how to to stop it, but it was no good. We still talked at least once a week. She married my step dad a month later and Bryan never moved back. While he was in Utah got better for a while, but I wont forget the call when I was 16. He said he had screwed up, but wouldn't tell me what he did. I know now it was step 2 of the path he was on. He'd done meth. I didnt know that until a few years ago. He hadn't come out and said it but the puzzle pieces fit.

After that it was all down hill. He joined a gang while in jail for his first theft charge. When I moved down at 20 to see him it was still on that path, but I didn't care. He was my brother. We had all sorts of crazy random adventures. I picked him up once from one of his friends houses and got pulled over for not having my turn signal on. (The house was being watched.) Bry had a warrant and they wanted to scare me to see if they could get information. They put him in the back of the cop car and asked me to stay on the sidewalk while they searched my car for drugs. My brother was in the car making funny faces at me so I didnt have an anxiety attack. Eventually they let me and my brother go. Bry said they were trying to scare me.

He was crazy over protective. I was never aloud to have a boyfriend. When I did he did everything he could to make them go away. He never hurt any, that i know of, but was not above make crazy threats.

I moved back home eventually, Feb 2011 so i could go back to school. When I left Utah I was mad at him for something stupid. I didn't hug him goodbye. I talked to him after I got home. He was super proud of me starting summer school in may. I called him and boasted about grades and vented about a boy who had broken my heart. (3 months away from him and already in trouble). On July 15, 2011 I got a call saying he had died. Later we found out he had ODed on Heroin.

The next few weeks past in a blur. There were good comments of apologies and horrific ones "be strong for your parents." I felt almost like everyone was saying that my feelings didnt matter because my mom lost her child. Most of the time, still now, I want to scream that Im important too and that I need support too. Since then my school suffers. I still want to be a teacher but most days I can barley find the motivation to pretend to smile. I dont want to live without him. He was my reason for doing well. The quicker I graduated the quicker he be cheering me on in the front row of my graduation. More than likely doing some ridiculous happy dance to make me laugh. I dont even really know who i am without am. I guess im just...lost.

Comments for i dont know what to do anymore

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Mar 05, 2012
so sorry
by: Jen

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and the pain you are feeling....I lost my son on 10/25/2011 to a heroin overdose he was only 23yrs old. It was the most devastating day of my life when I got the call that fated day. thank you for sharing your story - I pray each day you will be able to move towards healing....I am trying to find a way to live without my son and he had two sisters and one other brother (they are heartbroken). Take care and I hope you find purpose for your life - you can certainly email me if you need to talk...my email is jmcdonoughrosen@hotmail.com

Mar 05, 2012
so sorry
by: momma anne

I'm so sorry for your loss it seems from your post you and your brother were not only siblings but great friends. I do not know why or how people get involved in drugs but, I believe it is to stop the pain from something bothering them. I lost my almost 3 year old grandson in Jan this year, the pain is unbearable at times and small children hurt so bad.
I believe your brother would want you to go on and make him proud. He is your biggest supporter and when you get that good grade tell him, when you graduate tell him, when you find that special someone tell him. Talk about him talk to him.
I like to journal and I talk/write about my feelings to my grandson. Nothing will ever take the place of your brother or my grandson but, we have to believe there is a heaven and god and we will meet again and you can stick your tongue out at your brother and say "I did it" then you can ask all those questions to him that you need answers for.
If you need someone to talk to you can email me, I may not know the answers but, I'm a good listener. Hugs and much love to you, Ann

Mar 05, 2012
Don't Give Up
by: Judith in California

Dear Krystal, Believe it or not You were the one who conquered all those things on your own because deep down you have the fortitude to stick with something and accomplish those things you need to in order to achieve the things you want. His being there for you was nice but you did it . You will go on and become the teacher you want to be and will have fond memories of your brother and hopefully you will make a difference to some troubled kid just like him. He would need you to do that as much as you know you need to.

I hear your cry for comfort and wish I could hug you and tell you Yes, you and your feelings count and you are special and someone to be proud of.

Your mother , unfortunately, was going through her own grief and just could not see how indifferent she was being. Try to understand.

Take care of yourself Krystal and please let us know when you have your teaching credentials. You will do it.

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