i dont know what to do anymore
by Krystal Burt
Bryan was my best friend from the time we were little. We fought ALL the time but at the end of the day it was just us. Through dad dying, moms boyfriends good and bad, her eventual marriage he was there. He made me laugh when I wanted to break down.
Before mom got married she sent my brother (he was 16) to live with my grandma. He got caught smoking pot and would not stop. Mom tried everything she knew how to to stop it, but it was no good. We still talked at least once a week. She married my step dad a month later and Bryan never moved back. While he was in Utah got better for a while, but I wont forget the call when I was 16. He said he had screwed up, but wouldn't tell me what he did. I know now it was step 2 of the path he was on. He'd done meth. I didnt know that until a few years ago. He hadn't come out and said it but the puzzle pieces fit.
After that it was all down hill. He joined a gang while in jail for his first theft charge. When I moved down at 20 to see him it was still on that path, but I didn't care. He was my brother. We had all sorts of crazy random adventures. I picked him up once from one of his friends houses and got pulled over for not having my turn signal on. (The house was being watched.) Bry had a warrant and they wanted to scare me to see if they could get information. They put him in the back of the cop car and asked me to stay on the sidewalk while they searched my car for drugs. My brother was in the car making funny faces at me so I didnt have an anxiety attack. Eventually they let me and my brother go. Bry said they were trying to scare me.
He was crazy over protective. I was never aloud to have a boyfriend. When I did he did everything he could to make them go away. He never hurt any, that i know of, but was not above make crazy threats.
I moved back home eventually, Feb 2011 so i could go back to school. When I left Utah I was mad at him for something stupid. I didn't hug him goodbye. I talked to him after I got home. He was super proud of me starting summer school in may. I called him and boasted about grades and vented about a boy who had broken my heart. (3 months away from him and already in trouble). On July 15, 2011 I got a call saying he had died. Later we found out he had ODed on Heroin.
The next few weeks past in a blur. There were good comments of apologies and horrific ones "be strong for your parents." I felt almost like everyone was saying that my feelings didnt matter because my mom lost her child. Most of the time, still now, I want to scream that Im important too and that I need support too. Since then my school suffers. I still want to be a teacher but most days I can barley find the motivation to pretend to smile. I dont want to live without him. He was my reason for doing well. The quicker I graduated the quicker he be cheering me on in the front row of my graduation. More than likely doing some ridiculous happy dance to make me laugh. I dont even really know who i am without am. I guess im just...lost.