I don't know what to do with myself just yet...

by Michelle Michalak
(Ferndale, MI USA)

I lost my Grandmother two weeks ago. I was with her three months prior to her passing, helping my aunt take care of her. She was 87 years old and her little body just couldn't live on anymore. During this time her mind was strong and could remember everything.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. I don't think that I have ever cried this hard in my entire life. She was my last grandparent left and I was holding onto her for as long I could. One of the hardest things I've found is going back to work and being social. Some days have been good, others like today have not been good. I have this feeling that people think you should be able to bounce back to normal just because it wasn't a tragic, sudden death. People ask me her age and when I say 87 it's like this "well, she was old" look on their face. Like it's supposed to somehow make it easier. Overall I have a great support system of amazing friends and family. They have truly been wonderful.

My Grandma was with me for 33 years of my life here on this planet. We were very close and I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm making sure I eat well, get rest, exercise, stay social when I can, but this hurt that I feel right now is so very strong. All I really want to do is just sleep. Do I immerse myself into work, or take a step back and stay idle for the moment until I feel better? I just don't have the answer yet.

I do know that I am so thankful for the moments that the two of us had together before her passing. It may have been the best time we had ever had together because we were so in the moment and enjoyed every second. For that I am eternally grateful.

Thank you to whoever is out there reading this and thank you for this website. I already feel a little better getting this out instead of just on paper.

Much Love to all who have lost special people in their lives. <3

Comments for I don't know what to do with myself just yet...

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Jan 19, 2014
So Sorry
by: Carla

I am so sorry for the passing of your grandmother. Please honor your feelings. If you feel like staying in bed and are able to, then do it. It is all a part of the "process". Pray and meditate if you are able. May God grant you peace.

Jan 17, 2014
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma. I lost still have both of my grandmas and with one of them I am very close. I would be very sad if I lost her so soon, but she still has awhile to go, I'm sure. I'd be sad if I lost my other one too, but not nearly as much. I can tell you are very sad, and I am so sorry.

Jan 17, 2014
Thank you
by: MIchelle Michalak

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I keep reading them and each time I take a breath and let them sink in. I feel a lot better today and I writing on here last night really felt good. Thank you so much again. Big hugs. <3

Jan 17, 2014
The loss of your grandmother
by: Candace McCutcheon

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of you beloved grandmother. I never had one. They both died many years before I was born. I suppose I shall too -- I look like a cross between the two of my grandmothers. You were very kind to help out your aunt to take care of your grandmother and it sounds like your grandmother loved you very much and you made the end of her life much better for her.

--Candace McCutcheon

Jan 17, 2014
Its ok to cry and to grieve.
by: Nerissa Torres

Death sets no boundaries, and it hold no limits as to where it goes or who it takes. Cause in reality we were born surely to die.
Your pain is what you will allow it to be. I say this because everyone grieves differently. And its only when you come face to face with your loss, will you be able to ebb the tide of tears and live for your grandma. Time heal all wounds, even when nature plays its part,and seems unkind. Hang
in there

Jan 17, 2014
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I understand she was like your best friend and not everyone understands how you feel. Its like the world is moving forward and your just stopping still in grief. This is normal and it may take several months before your back to being okay. Take those days or moments when you can for yourself and reflect and let what you feel to be released. Your not alone All of us feel grief in here, so you came to the right place. I will prayer for you! God Bless!

Jan 17, 2014
Dear Michelle,
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your Grandmother. No matter how old people are, the loss is devastating. I lost my 81 year old father last year, and I still didn't have enough time with him. The void in our lives is huge, the loss profound, but somehow we manage to get through each day. We have no choice. Remember the wonderful times you had with her, and take comfort knowing that she wil be watching over you. Please visit this site when you can, it has helped me immensely over the past year. Wishing you comfort and peace in the days ahead- you are not alone in your sorrow, Barb

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