I don't know who I am!

by Sher
(Alabama)

I lost my dear Father 3 years ago to Parkinsons. My Mom passed away last year from Alzheimers. I still have'nt moved on. The all encompassing pain has improved somewhat...but the regrets,guilt,and remorse continue to hang on. I guess the worse part is I still have'nt found myself.
I took care of them for nine years. Trying to give them a quality life.keep them healthy,keep them safe. I had a baby monitor in my room...if their breathing changed it woke me up. I fought with doctors who through indefferance misdiagnosed them or missed something important. My Mom almost died from an allergic reaction to Macrobid before I got someone to listen. Every breath, every thought, every moment of my life was focused on them.There was no one to help me. The pressure was terrible but I swore they wouldnt go to a resthome.
My sister came one weekend a month,and by the time I started to relax it would be time to go back.
It's been a year since Mom passed away. I miss her all the time. I carry the guilt for ordering the morphine that put her to rest. Hospice is a wonderfull thing...but its terrible at the same time.
My obstical now is turning that baby monitor on me. Find out who I am,what I feel,what I want. I catch glimpses now and then but they still feel so far away. I'll make it though. I just have to give myself time. Sher

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I don't know who I am!

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Aug 21, 2012
 me either
by: Anonymous

Sher, the Bible says there is a time for everything, even a time for death. It was your mom's appointed time, and you did not cause her death, but made her passing easier. You were obviously a wonderful, devoted daughter and should have nothing to regret considering the way you took care of your parents. I just lost my mom last week after taking care of her and being with her for 11 months. I think you do lose your own idenity and feel so lost and unnecessary after taking care of a loved one and they pass. I trust in God and know He will help us both through our trials.
Aug 19, 2012
 I dont' know who I am
by: Ella

Sher, I will have to agree with Doreen....I was a care taker for my mother for 17 years in which I lost my identity. Mother passed June 8, 2012, to weeks before my birthday....It's a horrible, painful journey that I wish apon no one. You were an EXCELLENT daughter, therfore, there is no room for guilt or remorse. I too allowed my mother to undergo Hospice care and there are times I felt perhaps I should have given her more time. Mother was 88 y/o, bed bound, double amputee, speach impaired that resulted from a stoke. Sweetheart, do not allow these emotions to consume you, they are a natural part of the grief process. Again, you are a EXECELLENT person to have devoted your life to your parents and in time your great deeds will be rewarded. Your parents were so BLESSED to have had you, that takes character to do what you did.
I will pray for you; you will make it,taht you must believe.....
Aug 19, 2012
 I don't know who I am
by: Doreen U.K.

Sher you have done a good joy looking after the care of your mom and dad. You should be proud of yourself for having done well. Now take time out for you. Perhaps a day out each week doing something different for you. You will in time discover yourself. You say the worst of the pain is over. You have moved forward. Never mind the guilt and regrets. Everyone has them. They are part of Life and part of Grief. Don't rush to get over this. In time things will change. Discovery of one's self when you have been a carer for years is difficult. Your identity will have changed as a result. Because you don't know who you are, you are having an Identity Crisis. If at all worried go and see a counsellor who will work with you and help to get you back to your old self. I am at this crossroads now, trying to work out what I do with myself. Where to go, and what to do. It is daunting having to change life patterns. It can sometimes be an exciting experience if you are young. But as one gets older it is more complex, and can cause one depression. Just give yourself the time and space to eventually work out where to go from here and how to process your life.

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