I don't know who I am!
I lost my dear Father 3 years ago to Parkinsons. My Mom passed away last year from Alzheimers. I still have'nt moved on. The all encompassing pain has improved somewhat...but the regrets,guilt,and remorse continue to hang on. I guess the worse part is I still have'nt found myself.
I took care of them for nine years. Trying to give them a quality life.keep them healthy,keep them safe. I had a baby monitor in my room...if their breathing changed it woke me up. I fought with doctors who through indefferance misdiagnosed them or missed something important. My Mom almost died from an allergic reaction to Macrobid before I got someone to listen. Every breath, every thought, every moment of my life was focused on them.There was no one to help me. The pressure was terrible but I swore they wouldnt go to a resthome.
My sister came one weekend a month,and by the time I started to relax it would be time to go back.
It's been a year since Mom passed away. I miss her all the time. I carry the guilt for ordering the morphine that put her to rest. Hospice is a wonderfull thing...but its terrible at the same time.
My obstical now is turning that baby monitor on me. Find out who I am,what I feel,what I want. I catch glimpses now and then but they still feel so far away. I'll make it though. I just have to give myself time. Sher