I don't know why my brother died, but I miss him terribly

by Kris
(England)

My brother died on 19th June 2011. I still don't know why he died. There has been an autopsy, but the coroners report is not finished yet. The police said it was an accidental overdose. Matt wasn't suicidal and wasn't into drugs, so it doesn't make sense. He had just renewed his lease, had just updated his CV, and was looking forward to his daughter coming to live with him, and all of his friends say he definitely wasn't suicidal or into drugs. So what happened? Why is he dead? He was a big drinker, maybe he did briefly experiment with drugs? It drives me nuts that I dont understand. I really miss him. We live in different countries, so I haven't seen him for years. I thought that I had all of the time in the world, and we would catch up and be closer later on once I had settled down and had kids. You would think that because I hadn't seen him for years that it would make it easier, but it hasn't at all. It's made it harder as I love him just as much, and now have regrets. I wish we had of had more time together. He would have been a fantastic uncle. He was a wonderful big brother, very funny and always very protective. Although we had different personalities we were very close, and loved each other unconditionally. I have been going through so many emotions. My mum had heart surgery yesterday. She is fine, but I was really scared. Normally Matt would be there with me. He would have reassured me that it would all be ok and made me laugh. I dont like being an only child. My mum and dad are a bit dysfunctional, and its hard to deal with them on my own. Some days I feel fine and can laugh and socialise with friends. Other days, like today, I am a complete mess and can't stop crying. Sometimes I am angry. I wish I could talk to him, or he could talk to me, even if it were just in my dreams. Maybe he will in time. I wish he could give me advice about his kids. I want to help them and feel so helpless. I consider myself a strong person, and I am coping, but this grieving process has really thrown me. I have been through a few tragedies in life, but this is definately the worst and hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There is nothing else I can say. Friends want to help, but I dont know what to say to them and they dont know what to day to me. I guess you just need to continue on through the process.