I don't know

I sit here and I read what everyone says every night. I try to understand but I don't. Sometimes it is hard to read because what you write is everything I am feeling but am not able to put into words and then I cry. I feel so lost. I feel so alone. Even when people are around. I never had a really close friend. He was my friend. I didn't need anyone else. Now there is no one. No one to tell all of my feelings to. No one to lean on. Oh God I miss him so much.

I try to move forward but where do I go. It is like void. The first weeks I was in fog. I don't know if I thought he would come back or what. He was so strong. Even when he had to go into the hospital last year he came out strong. I don't know what to do without him.

My family thinks I need therapy but I can't talk to strangers so I sit here and try to get through it and when family calls or comes over I pretend I am OK while I am just dying inside.

Comments for I don't know

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Jan 20, 2011
re: I don't know.
by: Mari

I have learned that everyone handles their grief differently and that the first year is a nightmare. I have been through the loneliness, despair and missing my husband so much.

What has helped me is that I attend church and have had the love and support of my sisters and brothers. I also get the word and read the scriptures.I have been blessed with caring people.

I have talked to my pastor and have been greatly helped through everything this way.

I commented on a post that I feel I am living a different lifetime.Everything has changed. It is up to me to manage this complex, manage my own life and stay very busy. I do not miss Jericho walkathons or food giveways at church. Soon I will be returning to work outside the home and still manage here.

God has brought me through and I am better. I always hold that special love in my heart for my husband and there is comfort in knowing that as my pastor said at the memorial service,''To be absent from the body is to present with the Lord.''. I just keep going day by day. God helps me when things get rough. I have my days. I think we are stronger than we think.

Jan 20, 2011
Know how you feel!
by: Cindy

I know exactly how you feel. We were each other's best friend. My husband would often say he would just as soon go somewhere with just me instead of inviting someone else to go with us. We were definitely one. That is what happened when we got married, we became one. My husband has been gone for two months and I miss him so very much. He was my life and he loved me and I loved him so very much for almost 35 years. I would look at the clock thinking it was about time for him to come home, but then I remembered that it will never happen again. He will never be here again and it just breaks my heart. He was my whole life.

This site is wonderful for everyone here knows the feelings we are having. I know you can talk to other people, but until they have experienced losing their spouse, they have no idea the pain. I pray that we do have some comfort one day. I ask myself why God took him away from me because we had such a wonderful marriage and were so happy. Just remember, you are not by yourself with the feelings you are having...

Jan 15, 2011
I don't know
by: Lyn Ann

I am so sorry for your loss. i lost my husband 8 weeks ago. I can't add much to what has already been said but please know that this site, and this group of people provides wonderful support. We are your friends that you will never meet in person, but that you can tell your darkest sorrows and fears to. So come here often, to read, or to write. And know that by writing you are also helping others going through the same thing as you are.

You will be in my prayers, Lyn Ann

Jan 15, 2011
I don't know
by: Mari

I am very sorry. I know you are going through a lot. How long ago did you lose your husband? It takes time to heal. It is a process that is different for everyone.

It sounds as if maybe you should let your friends know how much you miss your husband. They could be a great comfort to you.

It is almost 14 months since I lost my husband and I too used to have the same feelings you did. I would look for him to come home and then remember he wasn't. I found myself waiting for his calls and then remembered he was not going to call me. One day my granddaughter and I went to buy ice cream and I said,''Get sherbet as Grandpa likes that kind.''I could not believe I had said that.

Now I am accepting the fact that I won't see him until we get to heaven and it makes me feel lonely to think of it. I stay busy.
Tomorrow is a Jericho walkathon in between the morning and evening church services and it will take up my whole day. That helps me.
But one has to come home eventually.

I am better though. I don't miss him less but am learning to do everything on my own.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. Everyone here cares. God bless you .

Jan 15, 2011
alone in a crowded room...

It has been a year for me and therapy has been suggested. I however am not in complicated grief I just need someone to talk to now and then on a bad day. I did try the grief groups that unfortunately had men talking about how the dog missed their wife. Or how she kept a garden Never admitting how lost and confused they were.

Call the local hospice and find out if there is a grief group. Yes we want to be heard but more importantly to hear that someone else feels lost and alone like we do. You do not have to talk, you can listen, But you will find yourself agreeing with what is said and felt.

I scoffed at therapy only because in my mind why would I want to set up therapy 6 weeks in advance when it might be a good day. But that is me, I am at a different point in grief. You do not mention if you are in new, medium or old(er) grief, If there is such a thing. But I know that I felt one way in the beginning, 6 months later still lost yet better, forcing myself to deal with(responsibilities etc) it. Now at a year pangs of grief hit me and the acceptance "phase" is slow and painful, I am not ready to let go. Not ready to be single and still consider myself married even though legally I am not.

This is the only place that I feel comfortable.
So read and if you want, reply. You do not have to put your name if you wish to remain anonymous.
It sure does help knowing that other people feel like you. Grief brings us together the sameness the silent scream of our hearts blending across the universe. You are welcome anytime...

Jan 15, 2011
I do know
by: Judith

We do know that our loves will not return. We do know that we will always love them. We do know that in a good marriage we cleave unto one another and forsake all others even friends who might otherwise pose a threat to our peaceful and content relationship.

We do know somewhere down the road we will eventually find peace and acceptance of the passing of our most beloved.

I do know that speaking with a therapist is very gratifying and helpful. I've been seeing one for 4 months now. She also knew my husband and of our relationship because we were seeing her before the fateful day he fell and fractured his skull because of his imbalance of Parkinson's.

But understanding first off that what you're feeling is normal and being loners ,as a couple as a lot of us were, does tend to make us feel isolated. So please go out and get that help.

It will get you out and you'll have someone to talk with for a little while and some times that is just what we need.

God be with you in this lonely, most difficult journey.

Jan 15, 2011
I Do The Same
by: PJ

I too don't want to burden my family and friends so when they ask me how I'm doing I slowly respond, "OK." I'm not OK. I'm lonely, dark and twisty inside. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy for sure. My husband was my best friend. I do have several women friends but it's not the close bond I had with my husband. How do we live without that?

I was reading a book that said I should look at this grieving process as an opportunity to draw closer to God. That's the direction I'm heading in right now. Without God we really have nothing in this life. I'm joining a grief support group in a few weeks and I hope that helps. I pray daily for strength but I'm too impatient. I want results now and that just isn't going to happen.

There are a lot of wonderful people on this web site, understanding and caring~traveling the same road we are. I have found it does help to write your feelings and this is a great place to do so.
God's blessings for some peace in your day.

Jan 15, 2011
I do not know
by: Colleen

You do not say how long you have been on this horrible road. I also expected Bruce to come back the first weeks it is only now two months that I realize that he is not coming back. The pain of that realization is unbearable I am putting it down to the process of grieving it is the only way I can cope. We all try and put up a front to people that we are fine. Write what is in your heart, once you start the words will come. We are all here for you.

Jan 15, 2011
I don't know
by: Donna

I share your lonely feelings. Bryan and I were loners, we had acquaintances from our jobs and children, but no true friends. All we needed was each other. We were the most content when it was just us. It helps me to read the post here, it lets me know that I am not crazy. I am very blessed that we have children that are very close and understanding. I couldn't do this without them. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. I don't care what anyone thinks right now.

I survive every day now one step one breath. None of us understand why oh why did this happen. I miss Bryan so much that it hurts, literally. But I know that I must carry on so that everyone knows what a wonderful person, husband, grandpa, and friend that he was and always will be to me. Baby I love you soooooo much, until we meet again.

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