I don't understand, but I miss her

I don't really pay attention to dates and times, I always relied on my mom to tell me when important things were coming up and get me to start working on projects and papers because she always knew when the due date was, even when I didn't.

Even though she was tired and frustrated after coming home from work she would always laugh at the really bad jokes I would tell her on the ride home. She and I would sing along with every song on the radio we knew and we were always off key. Whenever I got a good grade she would be so proud of me and would tell me that I did such a good job. She would always follow that statement by telling me that I still had room for improvement and that she was gonna help me get better.

She always encouraged me to go on the school trips and see the world and meet new people. Early March of this year, I was offered the chance to go to Spain with a group of kids from my school, which my mom promptly encouraged me to go on. I didn't really want to go, but she seemed so excited about me getting an opportunity that she never got that I warmed up to the idea and went to Spain. She got me a calling card so that I could call her and tell her about the trip. About three days into the trip I used the calling card and tried to call my mom at work. When she didn't answer her phone I immediately feared the worse so I called again. Another woman in her office answered the phone and said that my mom had gone home sick.

I was unable to get in contact with my mother or my father for the remainder of the trip, but assumed that it was nothing serious. When I got to the airport, my father was there with a serious look on his face. I tried to ask him where my mom was and he said that she was in the hospital. He wouldn't tell me any more than that. I was terrified. My mom had never been in great health, but I always assumed she'd be around to see me go to college and have my own life. I didn't know what to do so I decided that the best thing was to remain optimistic and cheerful for my dad's sake.

We visited my mom almost everyday, even though I was terrified of hospitals, she was always happy to see us. My dad picked me up from school one Friday in late March and told me that my mom had been moved to a different part of the hospital that had different visiting hours. He asked me if I wanted to go visit her and I told him that I had alot of homework to do and didn't really want to go. He said he understood and said he would be back by ten-thirty that night.

At eleven he called me to tell me that she had been moved to ICU and that he was gonna stay a little longer. I waited for him to call and say that he was leaving the hospital and finally the phone rang around two thirty in the morning. I knew it was my dad and all he said was "I'm sorry, she's gone" then he started crying.

I just smiled even though he couldn't see me and told him that everything was going to be all right. My school's choir had a concert the next day and (even though I wanted to go) my father said that he had called my mom's relatives and that I couldn't go. He told me to call my choir teacher and tell him. I didn't want to think about what was going on in my life so I just smiled like nothing had happened and hoped that I would be able to convince myself that I was okay.

Later that morning, one of my friends called me. She was crying so hard I almost couldn't understand her. She said that our choir teacher had explained to the choir why I wasn't at the concert. I told her that I was okay and that everything was going to be fine. On Monday I went to school and acted like nothing had happened and smiled and laughed. After a few hours I actually believed it myself.

My dad let me go to school until April 1st (the day of the funeral). I smiled and laughed at the funeral and when she was buried and pretended like everything was okay. I actually convinced myself that I was okay. When I went to school the next day everyone kept giving me sympathetic looks. After school everyone tried to talk to me about the feelings that I really didn't (and still don't) want to address.

Since then I refuse to talk to my friends about the subject of my mom's death and the subject of my mom is taboo in my house. I'm just tired of having to fake being happy for my friends' sakes and my father's sake, but I don't know what I really feel anymore because I've been lying for so long. I don't understand.

Comments for I don't understand, but I miss her

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Oct 13, 2009
by: B

It is so hard to stop pushing the pain away. You try to be "the strong one" that everybody can count on. You refuse to show any sign of weakness. You sound like me over the past year. How foolish we have been.

Please know that you have to face the grief. Only then can you "understand" how to heal. Tell happy stories about your Mom. If something around you happens and triggers a memory...share it. The important people around you will listen. You don't have to cry to heal. You just have to accept the loss. That, my dear, I don't yet understand.

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