I don't understand why.

by J
(London, UK)

my grandad passed away 7 seven years ago, it will be 8 next month. I was 6, i never dealt with grieving. I can only function when people tell me what to do, but no one told me how to, so I just left it in the back of my mind. I am now 15, every year I struggle to keep it together, because I don't understand why he died and why it had such an impact on my families behaviour, they are more biast of my family, they lie, and don't want to see me anymore. I love my grandad, when he was here it was always happy, he was like a third parent to me, he taught me so much in 6 years, he is an inspiration to me, my future career is something he used to do, I want to make him proud of me, that he left this earth knowing at least one grandchild took a hobby of his. I'm going off track, I am now remembering more memories of my grandad, like when he used to take me and my sister to the park or tell me cheesy jokes. I hate that i haven't heard them in so long, and I want to so much. People always tell me I'm over-reacting and to "get over it" but I can't, I google how to deal with death everyday but everyone said different, now I found this website, I need help. it's gnawing at my mind every day, I want to be happy and at peace, I just need help. I know he's not coming back but, he was the only person who never judged me, ever. he never told me off, just gave me honest, positive advise. Miss you grandad, take care. x

Comments for I don't understand why.

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Nov 27, 2012
Also feel for you.
by: J

Hey, sorry i just saw this. I feel the exact same way, as if he was supposed to be here at this age and that he would be here with me. I know it's hard, i'm sorting out to see a counselor soon through my school. If you have the option to do that you probably should, i don't know whether it'll help, but i hope mine will.

If you tell me who you are you're more than welcome to contact me whenever you feel upset or anything. It's nice to know someone is going through the same things, because i feel alone, no one to relate to.

Things will get better, hang in there! <3

Nov 12, 2012
I feel for you
by: Anonymous

I understand your grief. My grandma passed away 8 yrs ago when I was 7 and even though I cried my eyes out when she passed on I still grief over her death everyday. Tomorrow is my 16 birthday and I feel soo sad and upset and empty inside. After my grandma passed away my family went through so many problems with my brother and the focus went on him and we ended up moving to a different house which I always have a grudge against because that's were my grandma passed away and that's where all my memories of her are.
Anyway I don't really know how for you to get over it but I was just surprised to read something so similar to what I am going through. Idk why it's happening and why this birthday I'm feel so sad and empty. Maybe it's because every year I'd always imagine a certain way my birthday would play out and how my grandma if she was alive would celebrate with me . But she's not here and I can't get over that. <3

Oct 24, 2012
I don't understand why?
by: Doreen U.K.

J I live in the U.K. also. my email is
doreenelkington@aol.com. You can email me anytime with any concern you have or any support you need at any time.
In the U.K. the organisation is called CRUSE Bereavement Services. If you have trouble locating one try ask your G.P. These are CONFIDENTIAL Services and you will be protected. You are a Young Woman who is taking responsibility for herself. You will be showing some maturity and your parents should see this as being positive and be proud of You for taking responsibility here. You are not doing anything wrong, and if you feel concerned about going behind their back you can either run it past them by asking them what they think about you going for some outside support from grief services. If they are against this and don't understand. Don't tell them you are actually going. If they see it as all right. You don't have to tell them you are taking the services up but go anyway. You are at an age where your privacy should be respected. Your parents may want to know only because you are under age. But check this out first with the CRUSE bereavement services whether you need your parents permission, or need to let them know what you are doing. What you don't need is to be caught up in some war. You also don't need to be treated with suspicion that you are doing something wrong. There are boundaries in life. If you don't know what this is ask a counsellor. I have done this counselling bit so I know it works. You will get your life back and be in a healthier and happier place. I am sure your parents will notice the difference in you and be happy for you doing something positive and grown up for yourself. I not only did the counselling bit. I gave 8years in voluntary work to the Mental Health Services. I started training for CRUSE bereavement but had to go into hospital and lost my training and never went back. It is an avenue that I like to support people in. In counselling you also develop skills that benefit you in life. There are rich rewards that will benefit you throughout life. Best wishes. Doreen

Oct 23, 2012
by: J

I'm actually relieved someone as nice as you decided to give me some advice, I never knew bereavement services actually existed. But I'll defiantly sort something out. My parents have no idea it bothers me so much, but whenever I try to tell them they always say the same thing; "he's watching over us" it's nice to know, but it still makes me upset knowing I can't see him. Will it really matter if I use this service without telling them? because I don't want to feel like I've done something wrong not telling them. Nevertheless, I'm grateful you helped me, Thank you. :)

Oct 23, 2012
I don't understand why?
by: Doreen U.K.

J I am sorry for your loss of your grandad and for the Grief you are still struggling with. My best advice to you is. URGENTLY make an appointment to see a CRUSE Bereavement Counsellor. You were too young at the time you lost your grandad. The little people always get left out whilst the older members are dealing with their grief, and you did what most young people do is to stuff your hurt feelings down where it manifests itself in withdrawn subdued behaviour. It does affect learning at school and even your relationships with cousins and siblings. If anyone tells you it IS TIME YOU GOT OVER IT. THIS IS WRONG ADVICE and it only means that they are fed up with you still grieving and so it is the easiest thing for them to say to you. Do not let anyone know your business if you get bereavement counselling so that they won't stop you or put you off by saying you don't need it. Many people who have tried this support can testify better than those who don't know.
Because you were 6yrs. old and nothing has gotton better for you, and the family are more fractured after this loss you will understand why later on. Through counselling you will learn skills that you would be able to employ throughout all your relationships and this gets better. There are so many positives. You will become a happier person and you will make your life better. This can only be a good thing. When you become this happier person others will want to know your secret. You don't have to tell them. Do this for yourself. When you were younger your parents were responsible for your welfare and wellbeing. Now you are older and still struggling you are responsible for making your life better and this is the best way forward.

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