I don’t want April to end, I don’t want to face May and Mother’s Day.

by Christina
(Phoenix, Arizona)

I never dreamed going into April 2014 I would leave the month of April with such loss and confusion. The past weeks I’ve been in a daze dealing with first numbness and then periods of intense sadness. Trying to process the depth of loss in loosing my mom is in increments and unmeasurable.

My mom passed away on April 5th from Lymphoma and complications from Phenomena. Just weeks before they told her she was in remission.

Just weeks ago we had been planning for the future.

And in a shallow way I'm feeling sorry for myself. My mom was a big encourager of me. We had a lot of common interests. She was my Facebook friend (we did a lot of communication through Facebook and texting), always liking my ‘status’. Who’s going to ‘like’ what I’m working on now?

Who's going to listen when I just need to talk. Who’s going to ‘like’ what my kids are doing? There is no more grandmother.

There is a tough part of me that say’s I just need to be strong. We all face loss after all and it’s part of life. But this is my loss and it effects me in ways I never knew that it would. I carefully talk to others about this since a response can be “you’ll get over it”. I don’t want to be vulnerable and hear something that hurts even more.

I don’t know what is the hardest part... watching your mother die in the hospital on the cancer floor or standing up at her memorial and trying to be strong as you talk about what she meant to you.

It’s a helpless feeling.

My mother was a strong woman and quiet. She never boasted. She was never mean spirited. Actually she would have made a good hippy! Peace loving, easy going, non-assuming. I had very mixed feelings at her service when we all talked about the novels she had written, numerous art pieces created, symphonies she wrote and more. She battled alcohol addiction at a young age and won. She (I lost a sister) lost a child suddenly from an unexpected and rare disease when she only 10. I wish more people would have really known her. She was amazing.

Many said “I never knew”... And this bothers me.

We helpless watched for several days as she struggled to want to stay alive. We had to make tough decisions about palliative care. At the end she struggled to die and struggled to live. God I hated this. And thank God I was able to face it with her. Not for the weak. I’m glad I was there. And at the best I have peace, had made peace with her.

Almost as difficult is the grief that my dad is going through having lost the person he was with his entire life. Married young they have never been apart except when she was in the hospital. Now he faces silence. And I try to be there for him in every way I can.

I’ve been reading some Blogs on the death of a mother to try to figure this whole thing out. What am I suppose to do? Some say ‘just go with it’, ‘give yourself time’, and more. I just know that each day brings another thought, feeling or something that I need to face or think about.

I don’t want April to end, I don’t want to face May and Mother’s Day.

Comments for I don’t want April to end, I don’t want to face May and Mother’s Day.

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May 18, 2014
January 12 2014
by: Sue

I lost my Mother this year to Alzheimer's and I it truly sucks! I am 55 years old and told myself that her loss has not affected me....... and that I am "OK"...... WRONG.
Everything about my life..... my emotional well being..... my daily thoughts...... everything has changed......... dynamics of my close knit family has also changed. I continue to love my family in the same manner however things have changed...... it is just not the same without Mom. My father just does not "get it" which is not making things easier.

May 05, 2014
I also lost my mom due to lymphoma
by: Anonymous

Right now I don't even know what to say. My mother also passed away because of lymphoma on march 11 2014. I was just going through a break down crisis, thinking of her, of how much I miss her, of the things I wish to say to her, to hug her and simply just be next to her but it's too late now. Mother's Day is just a week from now and I don't even know how am I going to deal with it. Maybe you should go to church on Sunday, that's what I'm going to do even though I've not been to church in a long time. But I think it will help us a little bit. I can truly say I know how you feel and it sucks but we have to think about it in a non selfish way, as an our moms are at peace now, they are no longer suffering because of cancer . As hard as it sounds when others say it, she's at a better place now and watching over you. Your kids were very fortune to have the chance to meet her because I'm now 23 and have no kids (my mom really wanted a grand baby) and to think that she won't be here to help me when I become a mother breaks my heart.

Don't see as an a goodbye, but rather an see you later. On my way day we'll be able to see them again and then it will be forever.

May 01, 2014
my rock
by: laurie

I also lost my mother in January 2014. She was my rock,I read what you wrote and my story is the same and that is why I wanted to say this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I am know taking care of my father who broke his leg in December. I break down everyday and my world turned upside down. I am at a very painful time. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Apr 30, 2014
So Sorry
by: Debby

Your post has touched my heart. I can't say I know how you feel because my mother is still with me. But on January 9, 2014 I lost my husband of 33 years. Tomorrow is May lst. I don't want to see April end because our 34th anniversary would be May l6th. I am sorry you have lost your sweet and talented mother, she can never be replaced. You sound like a wonderful woman yourself, so I think there is a lot of what made her special......in you! I will pray for you.

Apr 30, 2014
Your Mom
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered the loss of my 22 year old son. I am in the 9th month. I can tell you that all of the feelings you are feeling are normal and will decrease with time. I read that in the beginning with everything I got my hands on, however the first thing I needed to do was realize that I have to go on. Each day since his passing was one day more I did not have him in my life any more.
I was not sure how to go about that, how to face people and talk without breaking down all have come with time.
Keeping busy was a great help and kept my mind off of this tragedy. Sadness is always around a corner. No one really knew what to say and really what can you say. Don't worry about that stuff. I tried to ease peoples mind by saying that it's ok I don't know what to say it always breaks the ice and allows folks to know its ok not to know what to say.
Keep a journal this has helped greatly with not only dreams but things that I need to remember and can't because of the stress. Reading has helped and I have since spent more time reading the bible and getting into God's word and if nothing more gained a better relationship through reading the word. I returned to work within a week and one of the first clients that came in were going through the same thing, it wasn't long before I found myself encouraging others I never really under stood where that came from except the lord, I was in no shape to aide others that was for sure but some how encouraging words came out.
This has also been a great help in my recovery. There are days that I feel like a wave has crushed me and there are days that I am able to think back to my son and smile.
The best advice I can give you is go at your own pace, there is no time table.
My son was always after me to stop drinking soda, mainly coke a cola The night we were in the hospital I remember him telling me that for some odd reason. So I decided to not drink Coke a cola again and I haven't since. These odd things we do during times such as these.
I put pictures up of him in his room and this is where I speak to him maybe you can do the same thing. Pictures were important because sometimes you just need to see there faces.
Don't fear May instead honor your mother for being your mother and be thankful for the time you did have. Through your words I can see that you have strength to pull through this and you will. God is good and I have learned that even though I thought I was walking, God was really carrying me and this was only clear to me when I look back over the past few months.
Prayers to you and your family for a healing and that you may know that the lord is with you. God Bless you.

Apr 30, 2014
I don't want April to end, I don't want to face May and Mother's Day.
by: Doreen UK

Christina I am sorry for your loss of your Mom to cancer. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. We all have very different life experiences. She was YOUR MOM. It is very difficult watching someone die of cancer and all the time feeling so helpless to help them. Thinking all the time "How are they feeling?" How are they processing the thought they are going to die?. In your mother's case she was told she was in remission and perhaps terminal. My husband of 44yrs. was terminal, and thought his Chemo was going to save him. He couldn't process that he was going to die. Then it suddenly hit him and he became very QUIET. I watched him die slowly of a deadly cancer which left him emaciated and unable to eat or hold down fluids. He suffered 3yrs. 39days.
There is no one to share conversations with. No one to share the difficulties. I was able to move forward ONE DAY AT A TIME. But every day you wake up and do it all over again and nothing changes except you may have more anxieties over the running of home and family and the COSTS which carries its own burdens.
I lost my mother 11yrs. ago and it took me 9yrs. before I could put her photo's out and pictures on the wall. She died just before mother's day and I had to return all the mother's day gifts. Not needed. THIS IS STILL A BURDEN TOO FAR.

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