I don't want to be a ME, I want to be a WE

It was eight weeks ago yesterday that my husband John died. He died at home while I was at work, and I found him when I came home for lunch. I am so angry that I did not get home in time to help him, I had ended up taking a later lunch than normal. When I came home he was still warm, I thought he was sleeping at first. He used to sleep sitting up as injuries from an accident made it hard for him to lay down. So he never slept good, but when he actually fell in a deep sleep it was sometimes hard to wake him.

When the paramedics told me he had been gone awhile I could not believe my husband of 34 years was gone. I still can't believe it, and I have no one to talk to. I read all the comments on here and see so many of us are in the same situation. Why can't friends just treat us the same and come around anymore? What don't family members want to bring up their name? I just want to wake up and have it like it was before, it might not of been a perfect life but it is what I want now, my husband to be here to hug me and tell me it will be ok.

I went to the store today and bought a few books to read, one from John Edward who I really would love to go see sometime. The other is called Hope for the Brokenhearted, and if I find either helpful to me I will let you all know. Just want to say thank you to all of you, as reading what you share makes me feel much better, as I know I am not alone on this terrible journey.

Comments for I don't want to be a ME, I want to be a WE

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Jan 23, 2011
I don't want to be a ME.........
by: jules

Take heart that you can come here at any time, say whatever you want - we do understand.

I don't think it is that people "shun" us as widows (or widowers) - but just they don't know what to say - it hasn't happened to them the same as it has happened to you. They have gone back to their "normal" lives, your life has changed - we have to have understanding of them, sure they miss their friend, cousin, brother or whatever he was to them - but, they didn't live with him 24 hours a day - they didn't know the little things that only you two shared, so it is easier for them to "move on".

Even your best friends, no matter how close they were with him and are with you, still cannot understand how gut wrenching it is to lose the person you "chose" to be with for the rest of your lives.

Take heart in knowing that we on here, do understand, we are going through it as well. Some of us are further down the track - but it doesn't make it any easier - I am 14 months and four days into widowhood, and I have some days where I could just stay i bed and cry - but I also know that John would be disappointed in me if I did that too often - he knew what a strong independent person I am, and I think that is one of the things he loved about me - my "spunk".

one step, one breath
take care

Jan 23, 2011
I know what your feeling
by: Jackie

For me it has just been three months. I go through the motions of living, but I hate my life now. The comfort and support of others is now gone, everyone is busy with their own life. I miss my husband so much that sometimes it is hard to breathe. Last week I had one fairly good day and I felt guilty about it. I am still trying to get all of his affairs settled, it takes way too long to get things done. I pray that you and all of us survive this time. There are many nights that I don't sleep, I just lay in bed and think about him and our life together. I hope God will help me get through each day. We are all in this together, please keep strong. Good luck to you, take care of yourself.

Jan 23, 2011
Starting over?
by: Anonymous

Even this late in the game (one year 2 mo) I still search for answers. I just bought a book from 1975 called widow And her other book (I think) called widow to widow. It describes what we are going through. Even though the book is old I hear it is an accurate description of what widows go through so I purchased it. The shunning from other people. The new life starting over etc.

I Still want the We. But at this point I know that it is not to be so I try to find my way out of grief and try to move ahead. It is AS difficult as initial grief trying to find a new life and new normal for myself.

Hence reading books at this late stage of the game.

It's as If I am traveling down the road called~ Your New Life. As I wander (literally) it splits into 3 roads right left and straight ahead. And peering down each possible direction the steps that lead up to the new road new direction are so steep I don't know now to get started in any direction. I just stand there not saying "I can't do this anymore" but How?

How does one start over? Yes, I can tell others to get involved in activities join groups and such and such. Yet in the here and now I have responsibilities can cannot be ignored to attempt being a social butterfly.

We will all find our ways eventually. It will be diverse and different for us all but it is starting over, taking a chance. Facing things that we are uncomfortable with with a fake smile.
Hoping that one day, It will feel right.

Jan 23, 2011
8 Weeks for Me Too
by: Trish

I spent the day yesterday with our best friends Gene and Suzanne. We were both in their wedding party when they married 21 years ago. Gene did the most beautiful eulogy for Joe. We spent the day laughing and talking about old times. It felt soooo good.

I can't bring up his name around certain people. They don't like it ~ it makes them feel uncomfortable. So I won't bring up his name to those people. I will continue to call my two wonderful friends that want to remember Joe and remind me of how fantastic he was.

Everyone says we have to find a new normal for our lives. I'm not ready for that yet. Right now I'm grabbing onto his memory with both hands. Everyone keeps telling me that change with time. Maybe, but for now I can't go there. Beautiful day to you. We are all here for you. Blessings.

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