I feel as though I am dying too

by Mary
(Las Vegas, NV, USA)

Just yesterday, I committed my 88-year old father to hospice care because we both knew that he could not recover from further orthopedic surgery, but I feel as though I am a murderer. I had to do the same for my mother back in 2006, and now the story repeats, but this time it is unbearable. I feel as though I am lying beside my father right now, dying along with him. After my mother died, I became my father’s constant companion. We lived together, cooked and ate together, had real fun together, and we were both happy, even though I know that he was never quite the same after my mother died, and hence, his health was declining in small ways. He was a tremendously strong man, physically and in every way, and I always felt safe and protected, even during the years when I did not live near my parents. Just to hear his voice over the telephone made anything and everything all right, and I can hear his voice now, and I feel as though I am dying from grief. I am alone in the house we shared, and I don’t know how I am going to survive. I have no friends anymore because all were moved away by the time my father and I were living together, and what few acquaintances I have do not want to be bothered with someone’s grief. I do have an aunt and some cousins who live in the same city, but we have not been close for years because they always want to borrow money – my father was very successful and has left me financially secure for the rest of my life, and I shall always be so grateful to him for that, among so many other reasons, but right now, I would give away everything I have just to bring him back. The next-door neighbor is a very nice elderly lady, but she is Mormon, and all she cares about is trying to get me to go to the temple with her, so she pretends to be interested in anything I might talk about only for that reason. I feel completely alone. I have not eaten anything, just drunk tea, for many days. Technically, my father has not even died yet, but I am coming apart from missing him already. I have been praying that his death will be soon, but it may not be because, as I just described, he has always been strong of body and mind, so he will probably fight the Reaper too. I have never felt this devastated before about anything. I was bereaved when my mother died, but I remember being glad that my mother went first because my father has always been such a strong authority figure for me, which made me closest to him. I am an only child, and I am single, with no children, all by choice. I had a very good job elsewhere but quit it to return home when my mother died, and then my father and I lived together after her death, and now I feel lost and empty and dead to life. My face is so raw and swollen from sobbing that I look like a different person. My birthday is in a few weeks, and so is my father’s – we were born two days apart. I think, forever more, I’ll spend my birthday in grief because we used to celebrate together. I do try to look at a bright side, which is that I was my father’s round-the-clock caregiver, and that was sad and hard work, and so was going back and forth to the hospital, but I feel now as though I would do it all over again just to have him back. I love him so much that I hurt all over. I feel as though a knife is lodged in my heart, and I am literally bleeding to death.

Comments for I feel as though I am dying too

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May 11, 2014
How I am feeling after 72 days
by: AnthonyW

Hi Mary.
Losing a parent hurts.
My father at the age of 85, died Feb 28 this year.
I miss him and think of him everyday.
The sadness I carry is like a weight inside me.
I am relieved for my father's release from chronic heart pain.
He was a good man, but not always easy to get along with, because he was often an emotionally closed person. I found it was not easy to be near him because of the tension he was in. Sometimes this witheld tension exploded, or was expressed in hurtful and caustic " funny" comments.
After he died I wept for the emotional pain he must have suffered because of his remoteness with me, his eldest son, and my five siblings.
I wish you well as you grieve for what you have lost.
Whatever we are feeling, I think it is better to face those feelings.
And allow them to process in a respectful and loving approach rather than attempting to mask them or ignore them, as I have been experiencing lately.

Apr 27, 2014
by: Mary R

Hello, I just want to say you are a wonderful person for caring for your your father for those years. You will likely be surrounded by loving friends in abundance soon.

Apr 12, 2014
from my heart, THANK YOU to all . . .
by: Mary

My father died on April 1 – April Fools’ – he had a sense of humor even at the end. Please let me thank all who wrote in response to my posting. Your words helped me tremendously over these past weeks, and I am truly grateful that you made the time and effort to be so generous with support and advice. I am much better now, though, of course, it will be a while in fully digesting the loss, but I could not have survived without this web page – thank you again! With Love, Mary

Mar 25, 2014
We're with you Mary
by: S

Dear Mary,

Your message touched me deeply and brought tears to my eyes. You are going through the toughest thing all of us have had to go through.

No words can change anything, except to tell you, you are not alone. We are all here for you - the "Recover-From-Grief" website filled with broken hearts.

Right now you have many emotions and all is in deep turmoil... it will be like that until your dead Dad succumbs, and through the actual loss, and beyond.

However, there is hope. I lost my precious Dad in Aug 2012 and nothing will ever be the same again. Life as we knew it is gone forever, but, his legacy lives on, in us! These messages have limited characters or else I'd talk all about him ;-)

What I will leave you with is this: if your Dad was well, and at home with you, and you were experiencing the loss of a different family member, what would he tell you? What would he do? HE WOULD LOOK AFTER YOU. So you must now LOOK AFTER YOU, for HIM. On his behalf, you have to live, and look out for yourself.

Stay strong a bit more, until he goes, and keep coming here regularly to share, to unload, to release those emotions... take it one day at a time, and do the basics: eat, hydrate, sleep or rest where possible, even if you just lie down. Instead of focusing on the hard journey through his health, focus on the good happy times! You can and will get through this. We are here for you.

Praying for strength and peace for you during this most difficult time. God Bless you. S

Mar 23, 2014
I feel as though I am dying too
by: Doreen UK

Mary this is a very real feeling when someone has died, or been committed to hospice. You have so many emotions crowding you at the moment and so can't focus on REALITY. The REALITY is that you are not harming your father by putting him in hospice. Often we have to make serious decisions for the best welfare of our loved one's and it is the best solution one can make at that time. You speak affectionately about your father and there is no way you would be making the wrong decision on his behalf. Certainly not murdering him. This is unthinkable and you must dismiss this from your mind.
Keep a journal and start writing your love story of life with your father as you knew it and what it is now and how you are feeling. Keep writing daily and then you will probably slow down and write when you feel the urge to. Reading back what you have written will have changed. You will be able to identify quite easily how far you have come. The secret to coping is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. and also to FOCUS on what is important now. You need to NURTURE yourself back from this hard place by doing lovely things for yourself so you can heal from this sorrow you are going through. Having no family to fall back on is hard on you. So is having to give up a good job you loved. Do what you need to for your father till he passes on. Get some counselling support for yourself so that you can identify where you are at and how you want to move forward in life. You will become stronger in your emotions and be able to make the decisions you need for your own life. Perhaps getting a new job may be a good starting point. Then progress onto putting new people in your life. You are financially secure which takes a weight off you. Keep this business your own and don't let anyone come along and cheat you out of this security as can happen when one is vulnerable. If you believe in God try and find a Church that can embrace you and help you Heal from grief. This may also be a good way of making friends. Don't limit your life. You have your FREEDOM and can do anything you want. Write a contract for how you want your life to be and then try your best to make this dream come true. You deserve to be Happy. Don't deny yourself this happiness. May God comfort you in your grief of losing your father and also the other losses in your life.

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