i feel guilt everyday

by obrien
(united kingdom)

my mum died may 2010 at the age of 39. she had various problems due to being anorexic, bullemic and alcoholic when she was young, things were okay but the year before she died her levels were all over, she regularly had trips to hospital to be put on a calcium or potassium drip overnight to stable her levels one time while being in she caught pneumonia and was on life support, i visited every single day, she was on ventilators and machines keeping her alive, i was told every other day she wasnt likely to make it but evrytime she pulled through. she even had a heart attack and beat every doctors opinion and came home, anyway in 2010 she was doing okay, we all called her superwoman, (my siblings and family) she was doing amazing.

one night id just finished college exams and went out with my friends overnight. she was fine and i said "bye mum love ya as i left the house, she replied the same and told me 2 be careful.

the next morning i get a call from my sister saying "the hospitals rang n mums gone back to hospital as shes feeling ill and is going on a drip" shes okay and theres no need to go down, mam said shell ring us in the morning to sort out picking her up. " i said oki doke n went home, at around 10 oclock that night i get a frantic call from my elderly grandmother(now dead also) saying the hospital had called her and said we need to et there now! (they didnt call me or my sister or any of the contacts id given!!) so my aunt came to pick up me n my brother n sister and we waited.
this had happened so many times before i thought false alarm, 3 or 4 times we had been called and when we called the ward to say we had arrived they told us she was fine and we could go home. so i popped my head out the window as they got out the car and overheard my aunty say to her husband, "ill help them with the funeral"

right there my world ended.

i was 19 years old, my father absent and my younger brother upstairs. I litterally thought i was going to die.

we went to the hospital and she looked like she was asleep.

she had died from a sudden cardiac arrest, the nurses told me she slumped and was revieved 3 times but couldnt be brought back the 4th time. (there was 1 doctor on call that night responsible for 3 wards).nothing made sense, she hadnt seen any of her children the day she died and died alone in hospital. it haunts me all the time, i wish i could have been with her. i wish i never went out that night to start with and took her to hospital the moment she felt wierd. i will never forgive myself for that.

she was amazing and didnt deserve to die , at 39 and with 3 kids,
she had such an awful life and struggled with money till the day she died. its now over a year shes been gone and now its just me living in the home we used to share. my sister and brother have moved out and everynight i cry for her, her ashes sit in my sitting room, i dunno wat to do with them, we never talked about that stuff, i kept dreaming the box was braking or opening so i think she doesnt wanna be in there ...i dont know its just such a mess.

i am lost without her, i dont feel the same person and nothing will ever be as good as her or as bad as losing her, i am cold to others and find most thing minute and pathetic, nothing is good and i ache everyday to hear her blasting her cds in the morning while cleaning, coming in my room to steal my clothes and nicking my laptop for facebook. nothing is the same

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