I feel guilty.. I feel like the worse person alive , will they all Judge me?

by confused

I don't know how it happened...
I am 21 years old and Lost my husband 18 months ago when I was 7 months pregnant.

I had been with him since I was 14 years old, my only love we had taken a break in high school because we were taking things too seriously and during that time I had slept with a few other guys...

One the other guys that I had been with in high school reached out to be about 4 months ago and we had been texting, 2 months ago I let him come visit,
He let me cry and he let me tell him all of my pain, he let me talk about my husband and he just listened.
we got really close and my 15 month old son already loves him.. I don't know how it happened but we started getting involved together and the first time I sobbed I felt like I betrayed my husband, like I was scum and it hurt and I wanted to just kill myself for what I had done..

But then I had to tell myself..
My husband made horrible decisions and got himself killed, He left me pregnant and alone.. and confused and hurt and I deserve some sort of happiness. Im so scared though or judgment, of people thinking I never loved my husband because I did more then anything he is a part of my he is a part of my son, he is engraved inside of who I am.. .I loved him and always will but will it look that way to his family to people on the outside?

Am I wrong for doing what Im doing? For letting someone else in to comfort me to love me.. to put a brief smile on my face? I need to know am I a bad person?

I feel as if I have committed a crime at times, and that I am going to get into trouble.. Im human and I am 21 and I am a single parent and I am lonely and ive cried myself to sleep for 18months.. what do I do?? Do I let myself fall for someone? Will that hurt more? will my husband forgive me?? will his family...??

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Jul 15, 2013
Dear Confused,
by: Pat in Missouri

No, you are not a bad person and any intimacy you might have is no one else's business. However, I would suggest that you step back a bit and look at your life. You say you met your husband when you were 14. Now that he is gone, it seems as if you are needing to feel the touch and compassion of another man more than you are focusing on yourself. Ask yourself what makes a woman need a man at age 14 and then, as soon as he dies, need another one? Did you have a difficult or nonexistent relationship with your father?

More than anything, you probably need to deal with your grief and feelings of guilt about a new relationship in counseling. Some people who start new relationships soon after a spouse dies, will be shadowed by guilt or even visions of the lost spouse, when you are being intimate with your new friend. While 18 months might seem like a long time to be alone, starting a new committment at this point and already having feelings of doubt, indicates you have unresolved grief that needs to be dealt with before getting deep into a relationship with someone new.

I once dated a man whose wife had just died 6 months prior to our meeting. My name is Pat. His wife's name was Pat. Whenever he tried to get close to me, he would call out the name Pat. I knew he meant his deceased wife. He was trying to resolve his grief over losing her by finding someone else as soon as possible. I had to kick him out and tell me he would have to resolve his grief and find healing for himaelf before he could date anyone. Trying to have a relationship with a man whose mind and heart were somewhere else was not good for me or him.

I respect the fact that your new friend is easy to talk to and helps comfort you, but if you go any further with this, you will get yourself in a total emotional upheaval. You certainly do not need that and neither does your son. Maintain a friendship with this man, if it feels right, but don't go any further until you can find yourself.

By not using your name and calling yourself confused, you already know you are not comfortable with this new relationship. Just as it can take months to recuperate from a surgery, it can take months, even years to move on past grief. You are very young yet. You have plenty of time for another marriage down the road, but now is the time to commit to yourself. Local mental health agencies offer grief counseling, as well as hospice agencies and churches. The last 2 would likely be free or on a sliding scale. Give yourself the gift of being able to feel free again and not feel guilt or confusion. I send you many hugs and blessings. I hope you will write back and let us know how you are doing. Pat

Jul 14, 2013
I feel guilty.. I feel like the worse person alive, will they all Judge me?
by: Doreen U.K.

Firstly You are YOUNG. You lost your husband at such a young age. Grief leads us to find comfort in someone else. We all on this site will understand how you feel. So anyone in his family, your family, and anywhere in between has no right to Judge you. It is so easy for families to make judgements but you don't have to live with them. What you need to do is find a grief counsellor and talk over your feelings and loss of your husband. You will at some point have to move on with your life and forge new relationships. Just don't jump into a new relationship for the wrong reasons. Take your time and find love when it is right for you. People will judge you of course for going into a relationship too quickly, but we understand on this site how bad grief gets and how it can make us fall into areas so quickly that we didn't have time to process.
I have found it a waste of mental and emotional energy to dance to the attention of other people, By wondering what they think? You will wear yourself out. some people will think the worst and some people will understand. Who are you going to believe. I used to tell my daughter if 10 people all had a different opinion of you with judgement. Who are you going to believe? People will always be people. Who is to say any of them will get it right in their judgement of you. Find some supportive people who will be with you in the good and bad times and if this person is doing this for you who is anyone to say this is wrong. When a husband dies a woman is free to marry again but not whilst the husband is alive. did you do this. NO. When people judge it says more about them. Go on and have a happy life but make time to grieve. You will come through this but it takes time, and far too much time for many of us to recover from grief.

Jul 13, 2013
by: Anonymous

Stop it. You are fine. You are doing what comes naturally. Accept the guilt as part of you, let it run its course and go with your heart. Sounds like you have found a wonderful man to share your and your child's life with. This is the universe giving you what you really need, full and unconditional love. Accept this and the rest will go away except for the love you carry in your heart for your lost husband.
Enjoy your life

Jul 13, 2013
When you're Ready
by: Judith in California

Dear Confused, what you are feeling is normal. It's been almost 3 years for me and I feel guilty if I even let a thought enter my mind about dating anyone.
Imhoe the young man who supported you emotionally did not just do it for selfish reasons. I also hope you share with him how you feel about the intimacy you shared. He has to know that being involved with a widow is not without it's drawbacks as far as you still loving your dead husband. I will always love mine and any man will just have to be mature enough to understand and deal with that.

If you still feel bad about your decision then you may need to take a step back and give yourself more time to come to terms with your particular feelings. It's only when you can move forward feeling confident in your decisions and not care what anyone else thinks is when you know you're ready. Please don't let your child get used to anyone until you are sure. He has been through enough loosing his Daddy. Protect him at all cost.

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