I feel guilty.. I feel like the worse person alive , will they all Judge me?
I don't know how it happened...
I am 21 years old and Lost my husband 18 months ago when I was 7 months pregnant.
I had been with him since I was 14 years old, my only love we had taken a break in high school because we were taking things too seriously and during that time I had slept with a few other guys...
One the other guys that I had been with in high school reached out to be about 4 months ago and we had been texting, 2 months ago I let him come visit,
He let me cry and he let me tell him all of my pain, he let me talk about my husband and he just listened.
we got really close and my 15 month old son already loves him.. I don't know how it happened but we started getting involved together and the first time I sobbed I felt like I betrayed my husband, like I was scum and it hurt and I wanted to just kill myself for what I had done..
But then I had to tell myself..
My husband made horrible decisions and got himself killed, He left me pregnant and alone.. and confused and hurt and I deserve some sort of happiness. Im so scared though or judgment, of people thinking I never loved my husband because I did more then anything he is a part of my he is a part of my son, he is engraved inside of who I am.. .I loved him and always will but will it look that way to his family to people on the outside?
Am I wrong for doing what Im doing? For letting someone else in to comfort me to love me.. to put a brief smile on my face? I need to know am I a bad person?
I feel as if I have committed a crime at times, and that I am going to get into trouble.. Im human and I am 21 and I am a single parent and I am lonely and ive cried myself to sleep for 18months.. what do I do?? Do I let myself fall for someone? Will that hurt more? will my husband forgive me?? will his family...??