I feel like I' ve been in a train wreck...

My Mom died Feb 18 2012 of lung cancer at 3:00 a.m.
Did I have time to say goodbye...? Yes. Did I know her death was coming? Yes. Then why do I feel like I was just in a train wreck? I miss Mom every minute of every day. I to am so lonely for her.

Maybe I am raw inside because of the images of her cancer that won't leave me alone. The cancer literally ate her body away. She went down to 80 lbs of skin and bone. She was a skeleton with skin draped over it. She kept asking me to help her, and I couldn't....
The day she died, when my sister and I got to the hospital she had slipped into a coma. One of the nurses tried to feed her breakfast. Who ever it was, shoved egg in her mouth and walked away. She couldn't chew or swallow...she was in a coma. Her mouth was partly open and I noticed this "stuff" in her mouth. I opened her mouth and saw a mouth full of unchewed egg. I began tenderly removing the egg from her little mouth. I wanted to go to the nurses station and kill someone. Who would do that to someone in a coma? I wanted to slap the person that did that. I wanted to scream and beat the hell out of the one who did that. But instead I removed as much of the egg from her mouth, bowed my head and cried. It was obvious that Mom would leave us that day, and if I would have raised hell, I figured they would escort me out of the hospital and I would miss the last moments of Moms life. Mom had developed a bed sore that grew to the size of a saucer on her back. It had become infected and it stunk. I can still smell it. Before she went to the hospital she lived with me and my family for 5 months. Every room in my house now is a reminder that she is gone.
Every day I am haunted with not only the fact that she is gone, but the images in my mind of what she endured as well....I miss her!

Comments for I feel like I' ve been in a train wreck...

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 10, 2012
Every emotion possible
by: Carole

In May 2012 we lost our Dad to lung cancer. He was 75 and fit and active before the disease struck. Being a fighter in spirit and mind, we thought Dad would respond to Chemo (which he did and we were told after the first session it had shrunk) and that surgery would be successful and remove the cancer. Dad had surgery in February and after enduring the ordeal of a major operation, he was sat up with a big grin on his face when we arrived for visiting. Within 15 mins of our arrival, we were told that the cancer had not been removed as it was too near to his spinal column. How distorting is that to a well person never mind one who is ill! Dad then lost his voice as a result of the surgery, which obviously upset him. After a supposed recovery break, Dad then had radiotherapy, we were aware this would not be a cure, but still lived in hope of another 3-4 years. Half way through his radiotherapy session, Dad fell at the hospital and broke his nose. Mum and my sister were with him, and struggled to find medical staff who were prepared to assist. Following this, Dad, Mum and my sister all came to stay at our house so that we could care together with the palliative team coming in. We had to watch whilst Dad was destroyed and were left angry feeling the end was hastened by the use of a syringe driver.

Two weeks ago, we discovered Mum had secondary liver cancer - we do not know fully the primary source. She had not had any symptoms whilst she was caring for Dad, and the medical staff who came to Dad are all shocked and surprised. Last Thursday Mum came out of hospital and came back to our house (she has never left it since Dad passed away) It is now a daily range of emotions and prayers as Mum is slipping fast. One comfort that is coming out of this is we can see it is the terrible disease and pain which is the cause of the loss of a loved one and not anything which the medical staff do.

Prayers may or may not be the answer, take comfort in whatever you can and please remember, every passing is the way it is for a reason to the living, it may take a while to discover the reason, but you will and at that time, will start on the road to recovery.

Jun 11, 2012
I understand
by: Jewel

My mum died 2 weeks ago. In pallative care. She had the same bed sores, so thin all from the cancer. Its amazing how desestivsed some of these nurses get in these wards. The egg thing just outrageous, but I know how weak you feel and helpless at the time of your mothers death. Its a hell on earth I cant believe to loose a mother. Seems hard to ever know how to recover. Its also like I dont want to recover, Im frightened to forget her.
I just wished to see her again.

May 11, 2012
Can't shake the images either.

My mom died from lung cancer April 10, 2012. It is still hard to say that. I can't seem to get the images of her those last days out of my mind. Mom struggling to breathe with that awful gurgling sound. It would get so loud I would have to go out of the room for a break. Now I feel guilty that I left the room, but at the time I thought i would go crazy listening. She also had extreme muscle spasms at the end that were frightening to watch. Mom was on hospice which was a god send. We had her at home, she also had two bed sores, but hospice helped us take care of them and they were almost gone by the time she passed. I never realized she would lose the ability to talk at the end. I really miss her and I kept the pillow she was laying on when she passed and I go in a smell it everyday, because it smells just like her. I miss her so bad. Some days I think I pretend that she is still living and I have just been so busy I haven't had the chance to call her. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Apr 24, 2012
To the young Anonymous who needs a friend
by: Kiley

I lost my mom to lung cancer on March 30. She was only 60 which is nowhere near the young age of 35 of your mom. If you ever check back here and you still need someone to talk to, I would be happy to listen. You can find me on Twitter as soundandvision. So many hugs to you. <333

To the OP: I feel the same way. My mom was bed ridden since Sept of 2011. My dad and I took care of her until she passed. I was with her, I held her hand and watched her struggle to breathe that final day and knew this time I couldn't help. You're one of the few people whose stories match mine that way. I've no uplifting words to offer but I understand and hope for both of us the pain lessens with each day and we're left with the love and happy memories we shared with our moms. The same offer goes to you should you like to chat. Hugs to you. <333

Apr 24, 2012
I lost both parents to Lung Cancer
by: Anonymous

I thought I heard something in my father's throat when he came to visit one summer. I knew something was wrong. Several months later we found out he had small cell lung cancer. He lived 9 additional months and I was with him the majority of the time.

As he took his final breath, I asked him to take me with him because i didn't think I could make it without him. My DNA changed that day...but I was lucky, I still had my mom.

But who knew it would only be for a short time. By some wild coincidence, she got sick soon after I lost my dad. She had a stroke. Of course I went to her in Colorado and stayed with her every second...packed up her house and planned to bring her home with me. But it didn't go that way. Soon after surgery, she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. When I heard the words fall out of the doctor's mouth, a loud ringing in my ears began, and I couldn't breathe.

I stayed with her through everything, rehab, learning to walk again, go to the bathroom. I took care of her 27/7. I could smell the cancer as it ate her up.

It has been 3 1/2 years since I lost her, and I have not been able to cope at all. I have panic attacks all the time now. I miss her so badly. I used to have a successful business. I used to find enjoyment in small things, but I just never found my way back to my life.

I had one brother whom I thought was somebody I could rely on, but I have lost him to drugs and alcohol. He caused so many problems for me as I was taking care of each parent. There were times he was so high on drugs I thought we all at risk. Now I am sure he is homeless in AZ. I finally stopped sending him money.

I want to be able to stop being so sad all the time, but it is really hard. I have an official broken heart.

I am married to a nice man, who let me go first to my dad in AZ for almost a year...then to my mom in CO for almost another year. But, now that I am back, I wonder if I should be married at all? I am not snapping back to myself, and he seems disappointed and I feel self conscience...like I am just not going to make it.

I don't know what to do. I am like the walking dead now. I used to be the person everyone wanted to be with, people were just attracted to my strength and happiness.

I know dying is a part of life. I know parents die (mine were in their early 70s), I know siblings drift away, friends move, husbands find others, But I thought I would be doing better than this. I thought I could live again. But I am losing some faith.

Apr 22, 2012
we are all grieving
by: cheryl

I lost my mom feb 23, 2012. For 8 months she was sick, we all went back and forth to the hospital for 8 months. We watched our mom die, she turned cold, then started getting hard. how do you get over this,I don't think that you fully do ever. People say it takes time, when this happens to you, you don;t want to hear that, you don't care what they say, After reading all these stories, you realize that it does not matter how old you are when a loss occurs, some people are 20, some people are 50. I am 50, my mom was 80, we had a close relationship, I got to say goodbye, I got to hold her hand, I have no regrets really, I saw and spoke to her often. Grief is grief, had it of been sudden, I would of thought it was so sudden, my story is, that it was drawn out over 8 months of much pain and suffering for my mother, she starved to death literally. so if its sudden your shocked, and even if you know its coming you are shocked. every person on here is shocked and sad or they wouldn't be on here. A young man helped me 2 days ago, we spoke of heaven and ask God to help me thru this time, he opened my eyes, I mean yes I went to church as a child, did I keep up with it..no. But I now have hope, where two days ago I had very little. Loss sucks from you every fiber of your being,whether you are 20 or 50 or 60, I still can't look at a picture of my mom without crying. The pain is still very raw, but I have a little hope now, thanks to the young man at the park. He probably saved my soul, I kid you not. So here I am 2 months after her death, I am a little better, its barely, but its there.

Apr 22, 2012
train wreck here too!
by: cheryl

my mom also died feb 23rd, 2012, I too feel like a train wreck, my mom also had bed sores that were eating thru her muscle and bone. I too got to say goodbye, and told her I was proud and honored to be her daughter, and I too got pissed off at the nurses, they didn't even tell us bed sores were not getting any better, until it was time to leave hospital. she went in and out of the hosp for 8 months, we had warning, I tried to prepare myself, I don't think it matters sudden or drawn out, or young or old, My mom also got to like 90 pounds, we watched her starve to death for 3 weeks. Hospice is all there is, I can put my cat down, but not put my mother to sleep. Its sickening. Its sickening to watch your parent die, I do not reccommend it to anyone. you don't have to be there. I am sad also, and I don't know how I can ever accept this, everyone says time, how much time. I saw a young man at the park yesterday, he helped me, he said ask Jesus to come into your heart and help you, so I did, we are supposed to live to see Jesus and our loved ones. I am not cured, but I have hope, and the day before I had no hope. I am sorry you are suffering. I can relate very well. I went outside in the dark last weekend and cried so hard, I didn't want anybody to see me, pathatic I know. I couldnt help it. I have bad dreams also, that i dropped her ashes, caan't pay her mortgage, etc, wakes me up and I cry. I hate this. I know everybody has to do this, but it doesn't help me at all. I want my mom back right now!

Apr 22, 2012
Lost my mother to cancer
by: Anonymous

Just want to say i lost my mum on February the 6th and i know exactly what you mean about those final images that are hard to shake off :( My mum slipped into a coma and lasted about an hour she died of liver cancer and it was painful to watch her suffer towards the end of it. I slept next to mums bed at the hospital and all i can remember was her waking up and screaming for water and i was unable to give it to her because she had trouble swallowing so she was getting angry at me and trying to snatch the water then we i let it go she would drop it on the floor. The nurses came in and gave her more pain relief and then she started gurgling and trying to say something to my aunty i wish i knew what it was she was trying to say? she then took 3 deep breaths and i knew something wasn't right like she could pass any minute and she did and looked right at me with her big blue eyes, i saw her life leave her body and it's something i just can't shake my mum is gone and even tho i knew it was coming i just never thought i'd see my mum die before me i can relate to what your going through I've been feeling guilty for things i didn't do when she was alive and no one seems to understand so i don't talk about it because i feel that they can't relate to what I'm going through right now :(

Apr 22, 2012
going through it now :(
by: Anonymous

My Mom has lung cancer too , she's had it for 2 & a half years now & is weeks from death ..
She's only 35 . My mom is my bestfriend I'm Sooo scared what's going to happen when the day comes .
My brothers 7 , i don't want him growing up not knowing his mommy . & I have a older sister that's 16 & she acts like she could careless if anything happened to her <\3
I need a friend to talk to that will understand & help me every step of the way & ill return <3 .

Apr 20, 2012
thank u
by: Anonymous

to rayolife
Thank you for your kind supportive words. You are so right unless you have watched and seen someone you love more than your own life you just don't understand. My extended family just does not get my agony. I am an unmarried only child now my parents are both dead of cancer. I don't want to hear my family and so called friends tell me they are in a better place.......and all that. For me the better place would have been here with me. If they died peacefully of old age I don't think it would have been so devastating and horrible. My heart breaks for you and your loss. I know I don't understand the loss of a child, but I understand loss so well. I hope it will get easier because now i am just existing and not living. Oh yes, I go to work each day with a smile on my face and pretend all is well with the world, but it is not for me. This web site helps me so much because so many people are suffering like I am. Again thank you for your kind words and support the world should have more people like you who understand. Also they think because a week ago it was the one year mark of her death i should now be fine and normal. I wish I had the power to do that. Time I hope will help but for now it is not getting any better.

Apr 19, 2012
i can relate
by: Anonymous

I watched my mother suffer the pains of hell while she died of cancer a year ago. I now suffer from panic attacks and am on medication. Those of us who have seen our mothers die like this can never get over the sight sound and smells of this disease i wish i had died with her because now i am existing not living. I miss her every second of every day and time is not helping but making it worse.

Apr 19, 2012
my mom too
by: rayolife

My Mom passed with cancer 13 years ago. I am so sorry you have thoses terrible pictures in your mind. You have to really watch the people at the hospitals because when they change shifts, they are not aware of all the individual needs.Sounds like a case for a law suit to me! try to focus on happy moments you shared together. Surround yourself with photos of her in happier times. Write her letters about how you feel, just keep them until you are better with this situation. That's the reason I refused to look at my son 4 years ago when he was crushed by a tanker truck while riding on his motorcycle. Life is horribly cruel! It is so hard not to be bitter. Try to think positive, some days it will be impossible, other days it will be a little easier. You will never get over it, but in time, you become accustomed to life without her, but that never removes the pain and loneliness. Talk to people who have gone through similar circumstance, because no on else really cares!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!