I feel so guilty and I will take that guilt to my grave

(Canada , Calgary)

On the first of July 2012 we went to the grave of my 37 years old son. I cried and talked to him. It was so hard. It is one year and 3 days since my dear son committed suicide. I have been crying all the time. Even right now I am crying and I am still devastated. The pain is so much. God the pain and sorrow is so much that only you can understand because you lost your child. He was famous dentist and only 37. He married for three years and his wife after the second year started to bully and threatened him. He became depressed and went to doctor. He got 10 days off the work she was bullying him to go back to work even he was so sick (depression). She knew he was going to jump from 21 floor but she did nothing. Nothing at all. Just to get rid of him and get to his money. I believe in Karma. My heart is broken and I feel so guilty for not saving him. He told us about bullying and threatening him by his wife and wanted to divorce her. We didn't understand to encourage him to divorce her. The pain is deep and no compare to lost of the friends or parents. The lost of the child is the worst. The rule is the parents have to die first. I am counting days to join him. I have another son and thank God my dear husband. Both of them suffer too very much. I know in my heart that I will see him when my time comes and stay with him. I pray God that my time comes soon, very soon to join him. I pray for him and hoping he is in better place with my dad and other relatives. I miss him so much and love him so much. I can not still accept he is gone and pray to God that he forgives me for not saving him

Comments for I feel so guilty and I will take that guilt to my grave

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Jul 18, 2014
guilty and hate myself
by: dina

My mother was in a nursing home
We took her home for what was meant to be a break.
We delayed getting her back there
She deteriorated at home, got an infection and went to hospital. She then had a bad stroke and died
I hate myself and will do forever
I should be in prison
I am guilty of manslaughter
How do you live with that?

Nothing is any value without her
I will never work again. I was a nurse
I wish I was in prison.
So anyone here compared to me you have nothing to worry about

Jul 07, 2012
Hell on Earth
by: Brent's Mom

April 28, 2010 at approximately 1:10 p.m. my beautiful son, Brent, jumped 170 feet to his death from a hotel ledge in Las Vegas, NV.
I didn't get the call from the Police until 8 p.m. that evening. I remember screaming and screaming and screaming. We live in Phoenix, AZ. My husband called the coroner. They said not to come until Friday, the 30th. We arrived at the funeral home to take care of arrangements for cremation. Then we were lead to the parlor to "view" my son, my angel, my boy, my everything. Again, I remember screaming, yelling at him to get up. I don't have a good reason why Brent jumped. I do know he was struggling in this economy. I do know he wasn't happy on Earth. I do know that his life was not good for him.
It's been the worst two years ever. I cry, I drink, I scream, I sleep alot, I GRIEF and GRIEF some more for my son. He knew he could come to me for anything. So what happened? I will know when we meet again. I can't feel guilty because I made myself available for anything and any way I could help him. I believe (and this is after much study and searching) that my son was not prepared/ready for incarnation to come back to Earth. This is because I believe in reincarnation. And once here and with struggles he dealt with here on Earth, he couldn't deal/was not ready and had to go.
God took his hand and "took him home".
Don't get me wrong---I miss him, I grief for him, I would give anything to hug and hold him again. My baby, my boy, my adult son---I miss him so much, I get sick with grief. It's been a miserable two years of sorrow. I will be with my son again; I need to be patient. He's saving a place for me; I'll be there soon.

Brent's Mom

Jul 04, 2012
I will take the guilt of my son to the grave
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear RN
I am so sorry for the loss of your only son. My heart goes out to you at this time when you are in so much unbearable pain.
The sudden death. Your long conversations with you son all make you feel as if you could have done something to save your son. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is part of normal grief. Perhaps there are times when we could have done something to make the situation better. But how do we know that it would have made a difference? how do we know that even if we took an adult child back home that it wouldn't have caused more problems. I say to everyone on this website suffering these issues that leaves one feeling guilty.
In my case I exploded with anger. My volcano erupted over my son. Why didn't you put your father's stereo in his car. He waited 3 years for this and you never did it. Why didn't you cut the grass and do the garden in the home you are going to inherit. You did it for your girlfriend (at that time) you even borrowed our garden tools to do the job. Why? You used the garage and didn't respect your father's things you threw them all over the floor. this was disrespectful. This hurt your dad. I pointed out situations where he actually made things worse. I couldn't carry the responsibility for everything that went wrong and so I exploded. I live with the guilt and can't get rid of it. But at the same time it was necessary to CONFRONT issues related to grief. I carried my dying husband's pain over the issues with our son. My son walked out of my life forever. I feel my death will be the only thing that will give him release. RN you had a lovely relationship with you son. Your grief will be great. My grief is great because even if my son insulted me and cursed me. I would still love him and say as I did. "YOUR FATHER AND I FORGIVE YOU EVERYTHING." This way he is released from his guilt to go forward and live his life. I only have the one son and 2 daughters. I have lost an only son but in a different way. I will grieve forever. I feel like you. SO VERY LONELY. If it wasn't for my 3 sisters and their husbands I would not be able to cope with everything. I too can't wait till I die but I also feel responsible for my youngest daughter who is all alone. Not married. Who will take care of her when I die. As mother's we will always have worries about our children whether they are adults or not. It is getting rid of the guilt of always having to be responsible for them that is difficult to resolve. I hope that in the days ahead life will get easier for you and you will be able to be well supported by your sister till you can be in a better place with your grief. We all suffer with you and know how you feel and what you are going through.

Jul 04, 2012
I feel so guilty not saving my son
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Grieving Mother,
I am sorry for the loss of your son. A dentist. You say bullied by his wife. He suffered depression and was off work for 10 days. You also say that you feel so guilty for not saving your son. As a mother myself to children older than your son by 3yrs and 6 years. You could have done nothing to save your son. Your guilt is part of your grief. So is your continuous crying. The pain of losing a child is the worst pain more than losing a parent. A mother has a bond with her child through life and being attached by umbilical cord at birth. My nephew committed suicide. He was crying out for help. The medical profession let him down. He cried out. "Someone Please Help Me" no one came and so he threw himself in front of an express train. His pain was so bad he could not bear it. Your son couldn't bear his pain. Suddenly in a moment suicide happens and it is too late to save that person. My sister lived with the guilt that she did not take her son back into the home. But she was caught in the middle of a husband and son. So she did not take her 30yr. old son back home and so he took his own life. She felt guilty for a long time and mad with grief. You will probably need support from a bereavement (grief) counsellor to help you through this death by suicide.
My son met a girl on the internet. There were signs that said he should walk away. He didn't. He married the girl. She is also with her ex boyfriend and he gets more attention than my son as the husband. His wife told my son to get out of her house 5 times. he went back. she told him to get out of her car at 4 in the morning on a cold and snowy night bitterly cold and he was wandering around lost. He only suffered depression with her. he had two nervous breakdowns. In despair he put bleach over himself and threatened to drink bleach to kill himself. My husband dying of cancer at the time went with me to rescue him. WE looked after our son. I was so angry I refused to let my son's wife travel in the funeral car. mY son stood by his wife. He refused to travel with me and his sisters. He walked away from me on the day of the funeral when I buried his father my husband of 44years. I have lost my husband. son. daughter. all on the same day. I am heartbroken. I want Karma. It hurts like hell. I know how you feel losing your son and the pain you are in. You need support to get through this. It will get better with support. I wish you Love, Peace and comfort in your sorrow.

Jul 03, 2012
Lost mother
by: RN

It's been one year and 8 months since my 39 year old son and only child died. I spoke to him every day for hours. One evening I didn't hear from him. I called him all night long, I even text him a message, begging him to call me but I didn't hear from him. I called his roommate mid morning, and asked him to check on him. He called me back to let me know that he was not getting a response from him after he knock on his door. I asked him to break down the door and call me back. I was sick with fear waiting for his call. I got a call back from my stepdaughter with the bad news, he was dead. The world stopped moving, I keep screaming "don't tell me that, he's not died, it not true, don't said that!" But I knew it was true. My life was over; I lost my only child, “Why!" I kept asking God, "What did I do so badly in my life that you took the only thing in my life I loved beyond anything?" As I'm writing this I'm crying, my heart hurts so bad. There are days I want to die, but I know I don't have that luxury. So, I go on in this constant pain of missing my son. The loneness is so unbearable. I just wonder how must longer I have to deal with this constant pain. I miss him so much. I do feel guilty and ask myself daily what could I have done better? Why wasn't I there to say good bye or hold his hand? I truly feel your pain. No one can understand this pain or guilt. The only thing that gets me through this is my family. When the days are really dark I reach out to my sister. She will talk me through it. The love I get from her,her children and grand children keep me going.

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