I found out at my 16 week ultrasound my baby was dead....

by Sara

…Tried with all that I have to keep you alive, alive…

July 3 I never realized the pain I could feel, it seems impossible that I feel as bad as I do, because I never feel like I feel bad enough. I didn’t want to be pregnant again, at first. I had four children already, it just seemed overwhelming. But then I started to feel excited, and started to want the baby. The guilt is worse than the sadness. Why do I keep breathing when my baby is dead. It’s not even a question, I can’t answer it, I know it shouldn’t be that way. But every morning I wake up just the same. I should have gone to sleep with my baby, but I have too much here to die. I feel trapped in the middle of being alive and dead. I’m a ghost too. I didn’t feel enough pain, maybe, if I was suffering then I could think of the pain, but the pain was over fast, the pain in my body. It was just a brief torture, so horrific and invasive that it was almost obscene in its quickness. The loneliness of going through it by myself, amplified it somehow, knowing there is no one who loves me enough to be there with me. That was scarring by itself. The pain was like an evil trick the doctor played on me, they kept saying it’s almost over, but it will never be over. I won’t let it be. They should have told me that it will never end, and nobody will understand, and nobody will care like you do. The pain inside me never goes away. And I am alone with it, because he doesn’t care, or he thinks I should get over it and pretend it didn’t happen at all. It happened. I remember her. I won’t forget; I can’t do that like he can. My baby is dead. She is dead, she’s gone and I have to stay. I don’t even know that I want to anymore. I want to feel nothing at all. If I forget, who will remember her? If I died, she would be truly lost. It’s already like she never was. I have to see my body, that’s like a trick too. It looks like I still have a baby inside me. But I don’t. I only have death in me now. I’m filled with this yawning, ugly death of a baby that will not leave me. I’m glad he doesn’t have to feel what I feel, but it’s a sad and awful thing to feel alone.
July 4 I wonder a lot if she felt pain, and I feel so much guilt. Did she just go to sleep and never wake up? The last ultrasound her heartbeat was so strong and she moved; I felt it.
July 5 How can I forgive the one who abandoned me in the worst time in my life, the only one I needed to be with me? Because he didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to feel it, but nobody asked me what I wanted. Nobody cared that I thought it was unfair. Nobody offered to take my place when they pulled the parts left over from my body, there was nobody to care. And now why should I care? Why should I treat him like a person, when he dishonored my baby the way he did? When he dishonored me the way he did. I felt so sad until now, and now I am filled with HATE so strong I, have no way to release it. I’m just trapped with it. He goes on living, like he didn’t abandon me to my suffering, alone. I can’t even look at his face. I am so angry, and there is nothing to do with it. I just hold it, and let it grow in me, where my baby should be, now there is only death in me now, death and rage and hate. What do I say to him…? Nothing. He doesn’t care anyway. I know that now. I thought it was the drugs that made him soulless and cold and filled with nothing, but it wasn’t. It is what he is. He loves nothing that can’t amplify himself. I know I have to leave him now, but how do I punish my son that way? He loves him, because our son is a part of him, that’s the only way he knows how to love, selfishly. He only loves me because I made the boy. The same reason he loved any of the other ones. But it’s all for show. He has no love in him. When he looks inside himself, there is only his own reflection, nothing more. I hate him. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
July 9 There is grief, and that’s the way I should feel and maybe never feel better, but it has dulled like a few days after a terrible cut, it started to heal and now it’s just this awful, nagging itch. The guilt from not crying all day is worse than anything else, I think. Should I give up and not do anything again? Or leave her memory behind , and continue to live, as if this all never was? I feel a loss so profound that no words can even describe it. And yet it can’t be openly acknowledged, because to most people it’s not even a real death. Maybe it’s just having no outlet for all this feeling, nowhere for it to go…it just bubbles up in different ways I am so angry sometimes that I just have to stay away from everyone, because I know I’ll be mean to someone who has nothing to do with it. Some days I know I’m not fit to be with anyone.

Comments for I found out at my 16 week ultrasound my baby was dead....

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Nov 25, 2013
sara
by: barb

im sorry for your heartache and loss.. its been a long time but i know how you feel.. i felt i bonded with my son the day i found out i was pregnant.. got our apt. together had a baby shower..pregnant same time as my sister due one month apart..the lady could hardly due the ultrasound cuz he was moving around sooo much she asked if i could feel that...then he slowed down went to dr.. was told as long as they find a heart beat they dont worry,,, i believe if theyd done another ulta sound they would of seen the cord wrapped around his kneck and left wrist.. i remember the first time i felt him move and the last time.. he was dead almost 2 weeks before i had a dr apt again and they admited me and induced labor... i was starting my 8th mo with him.. i had him buried ..i went couple times a day to cemetary id pic him lying there crying and lip puckering wondering why i didnt stop .. but life does move on.. couple years later i had another son just turned 28 and 2 grandsons... id had a miscarriage after that also .. thankful for blessings i do have...barb

Jul 12, 2013
Thank you so much...
by: Sara

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful words. I feel like people like you, who have experienced that kind of loss can understand me, and it helps me feel like I'm not so alone. God bless you for your kindness.

Jul 11, 2013
My heart bleeds with yours
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to you. I'm understand your feelings because I felt the same way. If my baby can't eat or move, neither should I. Why doesn't my partner feel the same way? Why am I the only one feeling this pain? I am all alone. I got the flu and I was glad. I thought if I didn't take care of myself, i would physically hurt like I mentally hurt. I wanted that. I wanted to be in pain. The guilt and grief is so unbearable and yet, there should be more pain.

I don't think that way anymore. It's just one stage of grieving. Only time will let you start seeing things differently. I know your so angry that you don't want to see things differently. And that's ok. Your feelings are your own. No one should tell you your feelings are wrong.

As for your husband/bf. I don't know what's going with him but I do know that even if he did go with you. He did hold your hand though the worst moments of your life. You would still feel he wasn't there enough. Because no one can be there enough. That's one thing I've learned.

What helped me was to put more effort into my other children. Work on my life goals. Let time go by. You will be stronger. Your anger will not go away. Your hurt will not go away. You will learn to live with it. You have to and you will.

I hope this is at all helpful. I didn't mean anything to be negative. This is a hard thing and with it comes terrible feelings. Stay strong. Ill be praying for you.

Jul 11, 2013
I found out at my 16 week ultrasound my baby was dead....
by: Doreen U.K.

Sara you had a baby growing in you, she died and you now feel so alone and forsaken. You don't know what to do with the guilt that you are here and she isn't. You are forsaken by everyone and so feel so alone with your grief. You can't bear the pain and loss and it is eating you upside till you can't bear it anymore. This is RAW GRIEF you are expressing. You have lost a precious soul that was attached to you. When she left your body it was if your whole world died and you don't know how to resurrect the YOU again. You feel lost and want to be found and cared for till your soul revives from this awful pain that won't go away. You need someone to care for you. You are BROKEN and don't know how to put the pieces together again.
You have a right to be ALIVE. We will never know why a life dies inside the womb and never be given the right to life. I know someone who lost 8 babies this way and she never recovered her Peace. Her soul was torn also. Such sadness and loss is for a moment. Your child is safe with God. You will see her again. But for now give your Guilt to God and let Him Heal you deep within so you can rise from the ashes of your grief and find yourself in the children you have left. To nurture and enjoy and hold close to your heart. Your Grief is so strong you should see a grief counsellor and let them hold your pain for you till you can cope again. May God Comfort you in your deep sorrow and loss of your unborn child. May you find Peace to live again.

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