I GAVE MY ALL
by Judith in California
I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he said " When you give up so much of yourself into the other person in a marriage it's not good". Then why get married? I thought the idea of getting married was to become one, to care for one another in sickness and in health. How do we not give up more of ourselves when a partner gets sick and needs us so much. We can't be selfish and say oh I'll care for you a little but when it becomes too hard I'll stop.
We , of us who had to do just that, look at Dr. Phil and say What the hell are you saying?
I know we don't give up our beliefs for another or our likes for something just because they don't like it but how do you not pour your heart and soul into the very person you vowed to love and cherish and honor?
I gave my all and then some and it physically took it's toll on me after he passed. I gave and gave and will never get back a thing but the knowledge that I did my best for the person I swore to love and did so with every fiber of my being for 35 1/2 , wonderful but sometimes trying to the very core of me, years.
My body is damaged from all the lifting of him. My kidneys are at stage 111, my bladder has had to be repaired from prolapse, in the near future a rectocele will be repaired. I am a mess , but would I do it differently could I go back? The answer is NO. I would still be hands on being there for him all the way.
Last week I had 4 dreams/nightmares of us verbally fighting and I wake up crying and not wanting to remember the bad times. The times of him being cold and distant when he didn't like something my son did, pouting like a child. The times he threatened to leave instead of staying and trying to figure out a way to help solve the problem like a mature man. The times I had to beg for his hugs and kisses and never got them because he was mad about some thing he could not control. I chose to go to him and hug him and kiss him instead. I wrote letters to him stating how much he hurt me when would say ugly things to my son and me. I'd ask him stop and tell him I'd consider leaving if he could not stop. He would then be all apologetic and want to work it out ....until the next time.
I gave my all and I would give anything to have him back before he got PD and fell and spiraled healthwise downhill to his death a year and one month ago. My heart is broken and I cry so hard lately, so conflicted with the emotions and memories that I will probably never resolve in my head for fear of going crazy. I guess I'll have to say I loved him all the time but there were times that tried my last nerve. And it makes me wonder when I hear someone say they had 20, 30 or more years of bliss with never a fight or disagreement.
I am so lonely more so than when married. I cry more so now than when he died. It's all so overwhelming to think about. I have forgiven him those times but I will not forget them. How can I? I still reach to touch his shoulder when I go to bed.
In the future, if I get the chance, will I give so much of myself again?