I had an abortion and now I want my baby back

by Jessica Smith
(Denver, Colorado)

My name is Jessica and I am 23 years old. I haven't seen a story on here relating to mine and I hope no one gets upset for me writing about an abortion. I found out I was pregnant on memorial weekend, I called my parents, they were obviously upset, I told them I don't want it because I'm not ready, i'm in school and the father of my unborn child didn't/doesn't have a job, or a car, or a place to live (he lives with a friend), he drinks all the time and smokes pot. The father of my child (brennan, 21) said he would change everything about himself if I kept the baby, I didn't believe him. He treated me like sh** in our relationship (2.5 years) and after that we were on and off (1.5 years). The night my baby was concieved, we were drunk and I looked through his phone and found out he tried hooking up with someone else that night and called her beautiful. I don't know why i'm telling all of this, maybe to try and explain to everyone why I got the abortion. He begged and begged and begged for me to keep the child and for me to come back. He threanted to kill himself, the whole 9 yards. Needless to say I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth (for other reason's too, i though i was pregnant before and he said "you would be the type of person to hit me up for child support", so i just don't know what changed and why this time it was so different). Well I got the abortion on June 8th and me and brennan have been talking and he forgives me and now I just want the baby back, not because we have been talking because he still doesn';t have a job, a car or a place to live and he has been sleeping with someone else. I don't want brennan back, I want my baby back. I feel sooooo much guilt right now, I don't now what to do.......I just want my baby back :(

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Sep 29, 2016
I am pregnant
by: Anonymous

I had an abortion before. I have never agreed with them. But when I found out I was pregnant with my second child I was sick. I almost died with my first and was as sick with this pregnancy so I terminated and it killed me. I begged God to give me my child back one day. I got pregnant again and miscarried. Its been five years and I am expecting. It is not a good time. I am broke my bf is on drugs and was horrible to me this last year. But yet I still want my baby, but I will lose my home have no place for my child and everyone in my family and his says to abort. Yet I still can't get myself to be okay with this. I love my child. I don't think I can handle this again. Help please.silica

Sep 28, 2016
Divorced and he doesn't know
by: Anonymous

I was happily married on 10/17/15 and within less than 2 months into my marriage, I found out that he has been cheating on me and going to those indecent sex parlors. I left him, packed my things and filed for divorce the following day. Within the same week I realized that I had missed my period and had tender breasts but I assumed it was due to stress and the shock of what he did to me.. I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant, only about 4 weeks along. I had my abortion about 4 days later. He never knew. The last time I saw him was earlier this year when I dropped off the divorce papers.. I am in pain. i know I did the right thing. I am thankful that I was quick to get out of a marriage that began as a disaster, but I often wonder.. why.. why me? I did the right thing, got my master's degree, got married at 28, got pregnant after marriage. I have a career, but it still all came crashing down. The abortion was not painful and I was sedated, but the guilt and sadness swarms over me ever so often. It's been 9 months since my procedure. I should be giving birth around this time. I've always wondered what he or she would have looked like, must be a cute one. Sometimes I want to reach out to him and tell him but I know I'm not ready yet, it will be out of spite and I'll be even more hurt about it. But one day.. one day when I can talk about it without breaking down. I know deep down that I have been given a second chance. I grew up in a broken family and I didn't want to do that to my child. Im 29 and it scares me because I am ready to be a mother, but just with the right man. I hope one day I'll find peace with my decision and move on..

Sep 17, 2016
I feel so guilty
by: Anonymous

I am now 22, and I had an abortion 4 years ago, I was in an abusive relationship and he hated children and he pretty much pressured me into having an abortion and I was also very sick and undergoing long-term treatment for tb, I was severely underweight and the doctors told me it would be a high risk pregnancy, so I went ahead with the abortion. I am in a much better place in a much happier relationship and are currently trying for a baby again however I am terrified I ruined the chances of having a baby as I had to have the baby surgically removed due to complications, and since I started trying for a baby the grief of what I did is hitting me harder than ever before and I just feel disgusted with myself and I hate myself for letting someone bully me into making a decision I was not happy with. I thought the grief would get easier but I feel like it is just getting worse.

Sep 15, 2016
The grass isn't always greener...
by: Anonymous

I can't say things will get better, just know in your heart you did what was right for the person you were then and the circumstances of that moment.
Ironically my son was born on the 8th of June, and believe me the decision to have him was never an easy one.
I had been with my partner for 2 years when I found out I was pregnant. Stupidly, I believed I couldn't conceive due to a medical condition so we never used protection.
I would always say "I wouldn't go through with it if I found out I was pregnant" but it's certainly not as easy as all that. I wouldn't eat or sleep, I wasted every minute searching online the 'right answer' of what I should do.
My BFs family (& I mean ALL of them) surrounded me one night telling me how it would ruin my BFs life if I had a baby.
Long story short, I argued with everyone, I hated him (I've never forgiven his family) but told him that I had to keep my baby with or without him I didn't care.
Needless to say my son is now 3 months old and I'm glad I defied everyone around me and all the obstacles I knew I'd have to face.
However, if this is any reassurance, yes I love my son, but there are plenty of days where I think "where would I be, WHO would I be if I hadn't done this?" And I mourn for my old, carefree life, and wish there was a 'sliding doors' effect I could hop back and forth between.
You made the right decision for you and I do worry at times that I made the wrong one for me. We are only human and sometimes the lessons we learn carry us to the end.
Please don't think I'm ungrateful or regret my son, I love him beyond expression, I just want to show you it's not all plain sailing on the other side.
But, if your baby is meant to come back to you then s/he will, somehow.
I'm not sure what I believe with religion, but just know that your baby does forgive you and in your idea of heaven you'll be together again one day, just ensure that THAT day will be after you've lived a long, beautiful life filled with no regrets.

I'm sending all my love to you and to all those reading that relate to anything on this topic.
I hope for your sake you find peace with your decision. Good luck & have a wonderful life x

Sep 09, 2016
I wish i tried harder
by: Anonymous

I was 29 and was happy when I found out I was pregnant, but scared to tell my on and off again bf. I knew he didn't want kids. My morning sickness started right away and was 24/7. When I told my bf he kept asking me to get an abortion and wanted to know why I wouldn't do it. So after fighting with him for a week and becoming so sick I couldn't go to work. I finally agreed. I remember being relived I could finally eat again that night. But the next morning it hit me what I had done. And I've regretted it ever since. It's been just over a year now, and all I want is my baby. I blame myself for giving up and not trying harder.

Sep 08, 2016
In that boat
by: Anonymous

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I was still in highschool, and I had like had a "fling" with this guy, he wasn't a good guy. Sort of aggressive, condescending, minipulative and had no ambitions I guess.. I don't know why I was with him but I kind of adored him. anyway, weeks went on and I met someone else lmao, but I'm still with him today. I'd received hate messages from the druggo etc and he just made my life hell. But, about a month later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I'd had tender swollen breasts, and been sleeping so much. I knew it was his, at the time I was with my school nurses and they had me booked for everything right on the spot, ultrasound, blood tests etc. I sort of made the decision there that I didn't want it, it took about 2 weeks to finally book the abortion. And in that few weeks I came to love the baby inside me.. I wanted to care for it, I stopped drinking and I loved it.. I named it... I grew this huge connection, which made the abortion so much harder. But I thought about the life it would have with its shitty violent dad, and my family wouldn't support me, so it would just be me and the baby I guess, I thought it would be selfish of me to keep it and that's what was best. The abortion was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. To this day. I regret the abortion.. I miss being pregnant.. I miss the potential .. It makes me so sad to know that I will never see their face, or see the baby as a toddler. Although it was best for me at the time.. I want another baby,. I'm still too young

Jul 30, 2016
Living with the guilt
by: Anonymous

My story is a lot more different which is probably why I'm also guilty. I fell pregnant when I was 19 and my boyfriend 21. We'd been together for a year and a few weeks. When I found out I was pregnant the first thing that came to mind was to get rid of it cause I was only 3 weeks along. My boyfriend was out of the country on work at the time and I was alone but mostly scared. He wasn't keen on the idea but I managed to talk him into allowing me to have one for various reasons mainly because of my family and school. The past 6 months were hell. We fought a lot. He doesn't blame me, well at least he says he doesn't. I hate myself so much. I know a baby could change so many things but I can't carry on with this guilt weighing over my shoulders. My heart literally breaks when I see I pregnant teenager.I was very selfish and I wish I could undo everything but hey, what's done is done

Jul 29, 2016
I know your pain
by: Anonymous

Hi I find this site really helpful! I can relate to a lot of your story's. I'm 24 year's old & I had a abortion at the age of 19. At that time I didn't have a job,car,house, bank account NOTHING. My boyfriend was 19 also with a job & car but we both still lived with our parent's! Long story short we found out we were expecting. I didn't know how to feel.I knew that I loved my unborn child & the father very much but I wasn't ready. He would hold my hair back when I was sick . Feed me , give me massages & tried to convince me that we would be okay. I didn't see it that way.He begged & begged me to keep it but I was unsure. He would try to kiss or rub my belly but I would always stop him because in my mind my decision to terminate my pregnancy was already made & the date was approaching. I never told him the day because I knew he would go & try to stop me .The night before I stayed with my big cousin. At this point she had already had 3 abortions so she knew what to expect...That morning I woke up took a xanax & counted the money I had to pay the clinic..I bursed into tears...how can I be paying someone to kill & take my baby from me it blew my mind but at that point I felt it was to late to turn back. My boyfriend called me over & over but I didn't answer cuz I knew he was trying to convince me not to do it. He was at work & said he atleast wanted to be there but I knew that would make it harder so I went alone.They took my money , took my blood , & gave me more meds to relax myself then they gave me a ultrasound they ask you would you like the screen facing you or not I told them to not face it my way...she then told me I was lucky I was 1 day before 13 weeks & where I live after 13weeks they won't do it she left the room for a quick second.I than set up just a little & I could see the baby ....it looked as if it was developed alot I bursed into tears once again but this time I was really loopy they took me to another room where I waited with other woman who were waiting as well. It was dead silent & felt weird almost like I was dreaming. Finally it was my turn I will never forget the day I took my angel away. I cried for days month's years the pain is still there like it was just yesterday. My boyfriend forgave me but we broke up not long after because it destroyed us but we remain friends. When I turned 21 I found out I was pregnant once again by the same man but this time around I had a job car and house & we were so excited.I could finally give him a baby after taking his 1st away. We now have a handsome healthy happy 2 year old son he a AWESOME father & I LOVE motherhood sometimes I look at my son & wonder what the other baby would have been like & there's not a day that goes by I don't think about that baby...but it's gotten easier over the year's I still hurt over my decision it's just something that sticks with you no matter what... but I will NEVER ever do it again no unborn child should half to suffer from your mistakes but I take it 1 day at a time & ask god to forgive me & take care of my angel baby even tho I haven't forgiven myself yet! I know over time it will get better but I still love my baby & somedays I want him or her back but that's not realistic

Jul 22, 2016
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I made the awful decision 23 years ago. I guess I have been in shock or denial...or something...all these years. Numb, as I blocked a lot of the experience out immediately. I felt I would probably regret it later if not right then. I was able to suppress all of my feelings and grief for YEARS. Until recently. It hit like a ton of bricks. I've finally been able to discuss it with the baby's father's family members (although I haven't spoken to him since it happened). I got answers to questions I've had on how he felt, if it was as dark and horrible of a time for him as it was me (Sadly, it was). These were all things I've needed to know.
I was only 18 at the time and so scared. Just out of the shock alone, I know I waited way too long to go through with it (NO time is a good time to do it). I was farther along than it ever should have even been legal by the time I went.
I have 3 beautiful, perfect kids now. But I regret the decision I/we made so bad and I just want to take it all back. My thoughts are consumed by my past. All I can think about is how badly I want my baby back. My heart hurts.
I am so anti abortion now it's unreal. I could never ever in a million years recommend someone go through this and put themselves through it just to take the easy way out, no matter how scared they may be. It has not been and is still NOT easy. It is torture. Viewing my own body as a graveyard is pure HELL. I pray for forgiveness, I know I'm forgiven by God. But it's a decision so horrible that I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.
If I can save just 1 baby...

Jul 21, 2016
i hate myself he lied to make me get rid of our baby
by: Anonymous

its been 4 months since my abortion and everyday i hope i wont wake up the next morning im 27 my partner was 19 i tried so hard to not give into temptation but he kept pushing eventually it happend after 2 month we gave in couldnt fight our feelings any longer, for 8 years i was convinced i couldnt have children id never been on protection tried for 3 years with an ex partner it wasnt him he had 2 kids with a previous partner so it had to be me, so i eventually excepted id never be a mother i so desperately wanted to be. so after 8 years of trying and nothing not a scare wen i got with my new partner we never used protection as i truly believed i couldnt, 4 months down the line i found out i was pregnant i was over the moon yet horrified to tell my partner i new what he would say, i know he was younge but me being older it was the right time in my life and after thinking it would never happen i didnt want to give that up, he rote me this letter explaining his feelings and that were not ready to be parent yet it would absolutly destroy him if i went through with the pregnacy and then went on to say now we know i can have kids we can look forward to the most amazing future together he promised me everything id ever dreamed of and i truly believed him so went through with the termination i woke up after the operation and coudnt stop crying i went home and wished theyed missed it somehow it didnt work silly i know, and then 2 weeks later hes left me i used to be such a nice happy person now i dont recognise who i am any more im miserable a horible person im lost i dont no what to do i rally wish i didnt belive him i rally wanted to keep the baby but did it for him and now its like ive lost everything him the baby me i dont know who i am i feel so empty

Jun 23, 2016
I know the feeling
by: Anonymous

From the moment i swollowed the first pill i knew i had made a mistake! I already have a 6 year old i had when i was a teen and feel if i could do it then i could do it again. The baby was by the same guy he just kept saying we couldnt have this baby and i didnt want to be alone raising 2 kids! So i went through with the procedure even tho deep down inside i know i didn't want to im so saddened by my final choice. It feels like im in a dream i cant wake up from if i would have known the guilt the unconditional love for my sweet little baby i had before the fact i would still be pregnant right now! I just have the strongest feeling of wanting to be pregnant again so bad. I WANT MY BABY BACK ! I feel it was a girl i always wanted a daughter! My angel baby fly high.

Jun 21, 2016
Time
by: Helen Wadsworth

You poor girl. When I read how you were feeling I can empathise and sympathise with you. And because I'm a mum and grandma of 52 and have been there and worn the t.shirt for myself and 2nof my daughter's I promise you WILL get thru this. Life is a hard cruel lesson so learn from this. Don't judge yourself too harshly. My love goes out to you. But you must talk about your feelings don't bottle them up darling.

Jun 14, 2016
I know how your feeling.
by: Anonymous

Every single day I think about my baby and the guilt that I denied it life eats me up every single day.
Me and my partner had just got back together in November 2015 and I was at the start of my new job after completing university so we both decided now was not the right time to bring a child into the world as we were not stable ourselves.
I was 8 weeks 5 days, and had the abortion in February this year.
I saw the scan and my precious baby Laying there so peacefully. I took the first pill and then had to go to the bathroom to insert the other pills where I broke down. I was thinking what the hell am I doing! The love I had for my unborn child was unconditional already and I knew I wanted this baby no matter what the circumstances were, I asked the nurse if I could stop the procedure in floods of tears on the bathroom floor but unfortunately it was too late. I left and just felt completley numb my partner obviously hurting too. The pain was awful and I remember my baby passing so tiny and innocent. I had a month off work and returning i just felt so guilty.
I've now been diagnosed with depression and take citalopram and have counselling which does help but I constantly have the what ifs in my mind, I named my baby harlyn (I'm convinced it was a girl) and stare at the stars every night hoping to see the brightest one there. All I want is my baby back, and I live full of regret. Id love a baby now, it's always in my mind. I feel so guilty for wanting that! Am I a bad person I don't know? It does get easier but your baby will always be a part of you. I just hope mine has forgiven me and I know she's being looked after by many precious angels in heaven x

May 27, 2016
I still can't believe I had an abortion
by: Anonymous

I had an abortion 34 years ago. Still cry almost everyday regretting it. I become numb when I think about it because I still cannot believe I aborted my baby. My child's father was denying it. This was my very first relationship at 23 years old. We were only intimate 3 times before i became pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned but when I found out I was excited to be a mother. I carried the child for 10 weeks and felt instant and pure love for my child. I still cannot understand how I ended up aborting my child. I most have just broke. My mother would say why do you want a baby by someone thats treating you like that denying your child and all. I feel she should have help support me having the baby seeing how much I wanted it. Maybe she did not realize how much love I was feeling. I miss my baby still. I will always love you angel. I still cannot understand how I let you go. I'm in so much pain still. I regret I thought your dad's happiness was more important than mine. But you never should have been sacrificed for either of us. When I was put to slept for the procedure I woke up not knowing they had already started and told them I didn't want to go through it. But was told it was too late cause the procedure was already started. I hurt so much feeling like you were just taken from me. I love you sngel, please forgive me.

Dec 02, 2015
I miss my little hero sooo much
by: Anonymous

I had an abortion just under 2weeks ago and I feel like I died with my little angel. I'm 25 and have always loved having kids and all my life loved seeing babies and pregnant women and would always think of how I cant wait for my turn. I'm the kind of person who goes to the kids section in stores and looks at baby clothes for their cuteness.
I found out I was pregnant when I was still 2weeks cause I was suspecting it already. When I told my boyfriend of 6years now he was calm and just said we had two options,to keep the baby or abort.I was very confused when I found out cause I really didn't expect in reality to have a baby now at least. After a while I just asked my bf to let me know exactly what he wanted but I think what I really wanted from him was validation and excitement cause I already knew I wanted to keep my baby deep down.He kept saying he was sure he wanted to have an abortion but if I decided to keep the baby he would behind me 100%.I think this agitated me more and more because I kept asking him(hoping he would have gotten around and become excited) and he would say the same thing.I eventually made a hasty booking at the clinic on a Thursday for Saturday. Thursday evening I texted him exactly how I felt and that I would never be able to live with it...yet he kept saying whatever I decided he'd support.
I went to his place on Friday evening and because I was so mad at him I just went to bed and set the alarm for Sat morning.When I woke up I asked him if this is what he really wanted and he nodded his head.I went to shower,crying hysterically and talking to my child about the new world I was taking him to as I showered. I think I had just submitted to doing what he wanted by then. He drove to the clinic but I got even more confused cause he started crying in the car and saying we should keep the baby but I was just so mad I egnored him.It was the most horrifying thing I have ever lived to do and I just cannot live.I started cutting myself and overdosing when we got back cause I just can't believe I could do something like that to someone I have been anticipating my whole life. I miss my boy sooo much and what hurts is I didn't even go for a scan before and believe this would have changed alot of things. I miss my boy sooo much it hurts.
My bf looked for a psychologist that I've started seeing but I don't know if this will help.I'm a believer of Christ and have been feeling his touch in my life because I feel I can handle things abit the past 2days. Last week I went to light a candle for my son and named him. I really don't see how I went through with this honestly and keep thinking that its a horrible dream and someone will still wake me up.I don't know if its stages of depression but I just want to get pregnant again now.I 'spoke' to my son letting him know that I would never forget or replace him but I just want a lil sis or brother for him to be with mommy while he is in heaven. My bf is totally in disagreement saying its too soon. I totally resent him for letting me go through with this when he knew what I truly wanted but now I can see that he was in denial and unsure at the time himself but I still do resent him. We've been talking and after a while will go through counseling together.
I've taken three pregnancy test in the last 8days and the test line keeps getting weaker and weaker. I hate this so much I often pray that God would do a miracle and bring my baby back or sometimes wish that they totally missed my baby during the procedure but am losing hope each day.
I honestly don't know what got over me cause in my right mind I would have never ever done what I did. I wish I had spoken to more people about this before I made the hasty decision.
If there is anyone reading this and is unsure what to do, know that abortion is not a solution. It is a horrifying sickly thing to even exist. No matter your age or situation, eventually ur worst fear will come to pass but your love for your child will never go away,dead or alive. Keep your child and talk to as many people about your pregnancy, cause silence and deciding with another confused person will lead to a lifetime regret.

Dec 12, 2014
i just miss my baby
by: Anonymous

I had my abortion on sunday. And I just turned 17 a week ago on that Sunday. My boyfriend and I didn't know what to do. He was more excited than I was, because I am still in school.I was 10weeks and 3days pregnant. When I woke up after the procedure, I realize I had my baby half an hour ago and it was gone. Of course I was in pain but knowing he or she was gone, broke my heart. Wednesday,I went to school and I just starting crying nonstop. I kept saying "I'm sorry" I went home early and cried for hours. To feel I've lost it hurts me inside.I still have the ultrasound pictures when it was 8weeks and 3days. My love for my baby will never disappear. It gets harder everyday and all I want is my baby back.

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 10, 2014
Re:
by: Anonymous

Hey there, I have that exact same feeling, it's not something to push yourself over about though. I had my abortion about a month ago now, I'm 17, my baby's father is only 18, I was 10 weeks when I found out I was pregnant, and 12 weeks when I had the abortion. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, we have an amazing relationship, we love each other unconditionally, but when I found out about the baby, everything sort of went to sh*t. I didn't want it, I had just gotten fired from my job and he was just starting his, his parents had offered me and him support, his family is really close, everyone wanted to help out, they were so excited, but my homelike made me make my choice. My sister had a baby last year and I saw how my mom treated her, I no longer see my sister anymore and she's only a year older than me. I watched terrorizing things happen, I never told my mom or any of my family about the baby, I kept it a secret from them. I came home one night and my mom yelled at me and told me I was turning into my sister, it scared me because that's my biggest fear, I called and made an appointment that night. It hurt though, to make that phone call, my boyfriend was actually looking forward to being a father and I was kind of looking forward to having a family, but the decision I made was selfish in a way, but it was the best one, I did it on my own terms and its my biggest regret. I have a job now though and we're saving up money, I know it was for the better though, we have a chance to make a good lives for ourselves first, but I will always have that feeling of just wanting my baby back. But I know soon enough I'll have another chance, I just wasn't ready this time.

Oct 02, 2014
i want my baby back
by: Anonymous

I had an abortion six months ago. Why I did it I would rather not say. But only if I had the chance to to turn back the heads of time I would. I feel like the decision I had was selfish. I will never let the father of my child know why I really went through with it. But it's something we regret everyday of our lives. In less than two weeks I would have been giving birth to my baby and I feel so awful these days the guilt is totally taking a toll on me. Well I know what you've been through Jessica and I pray for peace for you as well as us others.

Jul 05, 2014
Hate
by: Chika

So 2 months ago I had an abortion. I was raped by a old man. They took me in their car to a house and takes me. I was 16 and just got out of foster care. During my pregnancy i didn't really acknowledge that i had a baby inside of me. It was difficult to go to school and to my sports knowing i was different. I kind of swept out under the rug because it was so traumatic to think about how my baby came to be. I didn't really know about how much the abortion procedure would hurt me. I know that it was the right thing to do, but how can the right choice be so painful and mean. More i think about how much it would of maybe hurt the baby and i hate myself every night. I have PTSD from the whole ordeal and am depressed and anxious. I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant and i miss knowing what i could of had. When i think about my baby i always say I'm sorry and I'll see you in heaven.

May 29, 2014
We want our baby back
by: Anonymous

So I know you may think I'm a *lut when I tell you this, but we were dating for two years and he have me a promise ring and was really sweet so we decided to have sex on our anniversary. Then I found out two weeks later that I was pregnant. My mom found out a month later because we thought it was best if we didn't tell our parents until we decided what we wanted to do. She forced me to get an abortion even though the father and I both decided we would get jobs and have our child. She said that 14 was too young to have a child even though she had me at 15, hypocrite much? So three months ago I got an abortion and my boyfriend(the father) and I have been so depressed and sad and regretful ever since. We were ready and willing to start a family together even if it wasn't on purpose. We want our baby back and it hurts so much to think that we had to end it's life. The worst part about it is that I can no longer see him, even though we both need each other for support. No, the worst part was that my mother forced me to watch the ultrasound monitor as my baby was removed from my body. I wish she would have let us, the parents, make the decision and didn't force me to watch that. I feel so horrible every day because of what I did, I want my baby back so my boyfriend and I could start our family like we had planned. :'(

May 05, 2014
My BABY
by: Anonymous

Hi Jessica
I read your story and I understand why you did what you did...I had an abortion 15yrs ago. I didn't want to do it. My boyfriend (then) and my parents and practically the whole family and his were all for me not having the baby. I was young and straight out of school trying to please everyone. I felt all alone. No one seemed to take my feelings into consideration. I cried a lot and eventually tried to kill myself and the baby. My ex was a playa and also treated me as just one of his disposable possessions. Eventually after going into a deep depression I just gave in. I felt that God has left me to fend for myself. I couldn't talk to anyone. I had no money, no work. Throughout the procedure I cried and everyone told me that I'm young and will have a wonderful life and have other babies when I'm older. Well for years after that day I was in depression and I wanted my baby back every single day. I still do. I will never forgive myself for being so weak to let others decide what is good for me and my unborn child. I have this hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be and it physicaly hurts when I think of my child. This crushing grief just never goes away. I close my eyes and pretend I am holding my baby and can feel him/her in my arms. I have learned to live with the pain & loss. I do have 2 beautiful children now but no one can replace the life that I so carelessly killed. I want my baby back God.

Mar 05, 2014
32yrs ago and I still have regrets.
by: Anonymous

I had an abortion 32 yrs ago this month.I was 19. I was scared at the time ,my boyfriend( first love)was quite supportive as we both wanted the baby. We had been together for 5 yrs.Both our sets of parents talked us into the abortion as they didn't want the embarressment of it. The whole experience was too traumatic that I never told a soul until 3 yrs ago. By boyfriend and I separated shortly afterwards due to the guilt and our parents. We never saw each other again until 3 yrs ago even though we lived 10 miles apart. We're both happily married with our own children now. However bumping into each other again has given us the opportnity too express our feelings about it all which we have both harboured for so many years. I never realised how much pain could return after 30 yrs. I try to forget but I just can't. Anyone reading this please think twice before going ahead with the abortion. Accept help and support if offered. Hope this helps.

Feb 20, 2014
It hurts and it cuts so so deep
by: Anonymous

No words can express the deep sorrow and pain one feels after abortion. The little, innocent life you carried inside you, its been two years for me and up to it hurts it cuts so so deep. We had our reasons then and they all made sense but I also want my baby back. Reality says life has to move on dear what's done is done have to pick up the broken pieces though it hurts. I pray and hope the Lord and my unborn baby will forgive me and to those who are thinking of abortion think twice.

Dec 17, 2013
2 children 2 abortions
by: Anonymous

Hi i feel what your all feeling i had my daughter first then and abortion 2 years after then had my baby boy 6 months ago and found out i was pregnant when he was 4 months old so felt there is no way i would be able to cope having them close together so i aborted i am so guilty i so wish i. Didn't do it now im never gonna get over what iv done

Nov 29, 2013
I cant stop thinking
by: Anonymous

I feel like this too a year and a half ago I went through an abortion by myself . I told the guy who knocked me up and he completely blew me off.then a cuple weeks after I Took my self to the clinic sat and waited in the waiting room nervous shaking. I go inside they do blood work and w.e . Did a sonogram got wattery eyed. I get into the room and knock me out with a shot. Then I awaken without a baby in my tummy.. I was still a lil druged I threw myself on the floor screaming and crying ... I had nobody there for me its such a shame. And now everyday of my llife i am suffering from this pain and memory's I dont want to rember... I was only 8 weeks and I still think about it. I cry here and there.. . I wish I wasnt so badly influence by others ...

May 10, 2013
I know the feeling
by: Anonymous

I had mine early last year.I was so calm when it happend but as soon as I left the clinic I broke down n cried. I still cry all the time, wanting my baby back. I regret it everyday to worsen it, I had to go through it on my own. My ex boyfriend did,kt want anything to do with me when I told him I was pregnant, I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. Reading your experiences breaks me all over again. I pray to God for forgiveness and that one day i'll have kids but I won't ever forget the one I killed.

Apr 07, 2013
11/26/12
by: Anonymous

Is when I had my abortion. I was around 10 wks pregnant and was pressured by my entire family and my bf to have the procedure. It was the hardest time in my life and I still haven't gotten over it. I'm a college sr, and though I would've made graduation before the baby came my family still insisted that having the baby would ruin all that I had worked for. I felt that they were wrong and didn't want to have the abortion, but my pregnancy was the loneliest time in my life. I prayed and prayed for direction and still did not know what to do. I took three trips to the abortion clinic and on the third finally went through with it. A conversation I had with the father pushed me to edge and I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I didn't want to have it up to the very last moment before I got on the table, but I still did it. The moment I woke up and ever since I've wanted my baby back and it has been months. I am still deeply tormented by it. I will be graduating a month from now but I can not help but overshadow that with the thought that my baby would have been due exactly two months from today.

Nov 17, 2012
I feel your pain everyday for the past two months
by: C.M.

Check out my story "divorce and abortion " my girl and I had one (abortion) two months ago and there is little I can do to change her mind about doin it again nxt week. I this she suffers PTSD from some stuff that happened a few years ago. We are also both single parents and that was my justification. But honestly Jessica I want my baby back too and I want this one as well maybe subconsciously that's why we are in this position again. I empathize with you and if you are religious say a prayer that C.M. & L.M make the right decision in time.


-C.M
Ps. Our relationship isn't perfect but I think it's more stress than anything

Oct 04, 2012
I miss my kids too!
by: Anonymous

I have three kids and had two abortions when I was young. No amount of telling me I "did the right thing" will EVER change the grief I feel. I look at my three kids and I know there should be five; it's like missing two fingers fro my hand. The other three are so beautiful and wonderful...what right did I have to deprive the other two of life? Why, or why, oh WHY did I have to fall for all that stuff about "it's just tissue" etc?

The best thing I can do now is to pray for my babies and to try to help others, not just to convince them not to have an abortion, but help them in whatever way I can.

Jul 20, 2012
you were strong for yourself
by: Anonymous

I understand your feelings. I was 16 when I had my first abortion (yes, I had more than 1). My boyfriend was overbearing, mean, and had crazy parents. He supported my decision for abortion at first but then once his parents found out my plan to have an abortion, he wanted to keep it. I couldn't. I knew it wouldnt' work. I knew my parents would "kill me". As supportive as he'd been, he then went against me calling me a baby killer and such. His parents forced me into a corner and told me if I didn't tell my parents, they would. So,it was the hardest thing ever, but I told them. They let me chose how I handled the situation. I still wanted to have an abortion and did. For me, in my situation, it was the best choice. I still say it was and that was 30 years ago.
Through the years, my thoughts have changed. Would I have an abortion again? I like to say no way, I wouldn't. However, I know if I got pregnant at my age (which I can't cause I've had a hysterectomy), I don't know that I wouldn't. However, I will fight for every woman to have the RIGHT to choose what's best for her. It is a woman's choice to do what is best for her at that point in her life at that moment in time.
There's nothing you can do to change what has come to pass. But I agree with the other post. Learn from it. It did change you, and it developed another piece of your character. You weren't wrong about your boyfriend (if he hadn't changed, he wasn't going to), and you weren't wrong about your position in life at that given moment. Let yourself grieve, but also understand it made you a stronger person because of the process you went through (with the decision, with trying to believe in someone else, with the actual procedure). Dont second guess what your gut instinct originally told you.

Jul 05, 2012
From Pain to Blessing
by: Anonymous

I became a victim of the abortion law in 1973, which is when abortions became legal in our country. I knew that what I had done was wrong, and as a Catholic at that time, I knew that I had sinned. I lived with that guilt for almost 25 years. I would cry at night often and could barely watch baby commercials on television. However, when I became a Christian, I was watching a play about a woman about to get an abortion. I was holding my youngest child in my arms. I had to leave the auditorium and grieve again. I realized at that moment that I had to confess my sin and ask God to forgive me, which He did. I publicly announced and recognized the child that I had aborted. You have to understand that just because the law makes things legal, it doesn't make things right. Use your pain to help others not to abort their children. Encourage them to give them up to adoption, but not to death. Today I am a professional woman with a career. I have 3 beautiful boys. I am free of guilt and self-condemnation. I have used that horrifying experience to bring others to Christ and to saving their baby's life. Convert your pain to a blessing for others.

Jul 05, 2012
No guilt
by: Anonymous

Sweetie, I know how you feel. Abortion is such a strong word and there are many that feel that it should not be used as a form of birth control.

REMEMBER YOU DID WHAT WAS RIGHT!!! Do NOT let anyone tell you different. Do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty.

I had an abortion when I was younger and faced with the same issues. It was painful and it is something that you will live with. For me I was so young and the guy was just sent to jail. My parents didn't want me to become a number. I do not regreat it. I look at other friends that had kids when they were young and ALL of them have problems with the kids. They were kids having kids. I know this is not the case with everyone and there are positive stories.

20 yrs later and I have teenager. What I am telling you, let the past motivate you. Do not let anyone judge you. Take this and be strong. Your time will come later...
God bless

Jul 05, 2012
been there
by: Anonymous

i had an abortion in the early 70's at my HUSBANDS insistance. needless to say he never was allowed to touch me again & i left him 3 years later. i lost my oldest child when she was 25 in "92 (not his daughter - 1st husband) the pain and guilt of either loss never goes away. i think of them every day - but i know they are in heaven together. my first thought when i heard of my daughters death was "find the baby". she was a high school teacher - a sweet & wonderful girl. in my heart i believe she was needed in heaven for all the babies & children - i believe in my heart your baby is safe in her arms and will be waiting to be reunited with you. i can't say let go of the guilt, i understand, but your baby loves you. honor your child by finding a good, loving man. and never stop praying. love

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