I had found The One, yet so did God
It has been almost one month since I tragically, and still mysteriously, lost the love of my life. I am 26 years old. The date of death was 4 days shy of his birthday. I watched him being buried into the ground on his 25th birthday. I don’t know how I am even breathing right now, let alone typing these words. I am off and on with hope and despair. This man changed my world, changed my very being. I was a lost soul who did not care or love myself before he came along. He lit up my whole world day after day. I was only lucky enough to spend 2 years with him before he was taken from me.
I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am fighting every single day to just make it through. How is the world still going on? It’s like I was suddenly picked up and placed on the outside of life and now I’m just watching it… empty and alone. I have a great support system, but it cannot fill the infinite holes of his absence.
He had a great faith in God. The night before he was killed, I was on the phone with him going on about some complaint and he stopped me, “Baby, do you believe in God?” “Yes” I replied, yet continued on with my rant. “Baby… do you believe in God?” Yes, I do.” But I went on, still not getting it yet… “BABY! Do you believe in God?” I started crying, I got it. Nothing mattered. God has my back and was going to take care of it. Little did I know the greatest thing in my life was about to be ripped away from me forever, taking my heart with him.
I know I am in the earliest stages of grief, but how is this possible? How do people “get on” with their lives? My dreams of walking down the aisle, him awaiting at the end, having his beautiful children, living our wildest fantasies together just blew up in my face. I was robbed of everything that was rich in my life.
I love him. I love him more and more every day that passes. I will always be in love with him. And when I get to heaven I am going straight for him. We belong together. When we were on a date one time a stranger called us Romeo and Juliet. My heart soared. We are. We really, really are. But I am too chicken to kill myself. I fantasize about death now… I would never do it myself, I won’t get to heaven that way… but I can’t wait to be reunited with him... that is how I honestly feel. I won’t give up, he wouldn’t want me to and I have already decided to dedicate my life to him. I am going to make him proud, if it’s the last thing I do.