I had found The One, yet so did God

by Kristin

It has been almost one month since I tragically, and still mysteriously, lost the love of my life. I am 26 years old. The date of death was 4 days shy of his birthday. I watched him being buried into the ground on his 25th birthday. I don’t know how I am even breathing right now, let alone typing these words. I am off and on with hope and despair. This man changed my world, changed my very being. I was a lost soul who did not care or love myself before he came along. He lit up my whole world day after day. I was only lucky enough to spend 2 years with him before he was taken from me.
I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am fighting every single day to just make it through. How is the world still going on? It’s like I was suddenly picked up and placed on the outside of life and now I’m just watching it… empty and alone. I have a great support system, but it cannot fill the infinite holes of his absence.
He had a great faith in God. The night before he was killed, I was on the phone with him going on about some complaint and he stopped me, “Baby, do you believe in God?” “Yes” I replied, yet continued on with my rant. “Baby… do you believe in God?” Yes, I do.” But I went on, still not getting it yet… “BABY! Do you believe in God?” I started crying, I got it. Nothing mattered. God has my back and was going to take care of it. Little did I know the greatest thing in my life was about to be ripped away from me forever, taking my heart with him.
I know I am in the earliest stages of grief, but how is this possible? How do people “get on” with their lives? My dreams of walking down the aisle, him awaiting at the end, having his beautiful children, living our wildest fantasies together just blew up in my face. I was robbed of everything that was rich in my life.
I love him. I love him more and more every day that passes. I will always be in love with him. And when I get to heaven I am going straight for him. We belong together. When we were on a date one time a stranger called us Romeo and Juliet. My heart soared. We are. We really, really are. But I am too chicken to kill myself. I fantasize about death now… I would never do it myself, I won’t get to heaven that way… but I can’t wait to be reunited with him... that is how I honestly feel. I won’t give up, he wouldn’t want me to and I have already decided to dedicate my life to him. I am going to make him proud, if it’s the last thing I do.

Comments for I had found The One, yet so did God

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Sep 10, 2013
I miss my wife
by: Mark

Kristin. My wife died of cancer on August 22, 2013 at 0145 hours. I have seen many losses. I was a police officer for 25 years. After seeing things I have had difficulty with handling, nothing is like loosing my only true love who accepted me for 34 years. She saw me through a brain tumor and the difficulty of life with the results of that. I do not understand why I lived through it and why she died. I feel I will never feel normal ever again. I am told it is normal and it will never go away but it will fade. Do not let anyone, even someone who has gone through the loss of their lover as you have. My wife was my lover my friend my confidant. She made me what I am. I hope that I can keep being was she taught me to be. I hope you and I will get over our losses. I have nothing to say that will make the pain go away. I wish I had something to heal all of those who are going through this pain. I wish I had something to heal myself. I am told that faith in God will do that. I guess it will. My wife had a strong faith in God. I do not. Though I grew up being taught the bible I have had my experiences that have loaded me with dought. I try to believe. God tells us that even if we have the faith smaller that a mustard seed he still accepts us. I met with the owner of the company I used to work for last Friday. She told me her husband of over 40 years had died 5 years ago and she still deals with it. She said you go on and the pain though it never disappears fades. I hope it does for both of us.

Aug 24, 2013
I found the one,yet so did GOD
by: silver

I feel for you Kristin.I know what it's like to lose your other half.I honestly don't know how I would have coped if he had left me so early as yours did.Maybe the same way as I did when he did go.I agree,how does the world keep spinning when my reason for being here is gone.I was blessed that we were married for 33 yrs,but I still felt as if someone came and ripped my heart out of my chest.I didn't want to go on without him. My children kept up with me so closely for a few months after and still check up on me at least weekly.I lost my support system(except for my kids)in the previous 17 months when my mother,father and friend of 28 yrs died. For some reason,I believe GOD had a hand in this,I began to go back to church.It has helped.I write poetry and since my love left have written several about him and my loss.Others like me have written poems and placed them here on this site.I think the thing that has helped is knowing that here there are people who know EXACTLY how I feel.When my mother died 7 months after my dad I was angry at her.Why didn't she go out and see her friends?Why didn't she keep going like she always had done.When my husband died 11 months later I understood.This is what I mean about knowing how someone feels.This site has been a lifesaver for me.Please take your time and grieve.It's not easy.We all do it differently.My love used to say,"It never goes away but it does get easier." I hang onto this statement.It has been 2 yrs for me.I still cry sometimes.I still haven't given away his things.I still ache to hold him and tell him I love him.It is getting easier though.I don't cry everyday or as hard as I used to.So please dear Kirstin allow yourself time.The average time of strong grieving is 12-18 months.Some do it less,some do it more. I'm glad you know GOD and so did he.I totally believe,like it says in the Bible,that love is the greatest of all.I totally believe I will be joined with my love again.I think it's ironic that you said you "are going straight to him",because I had a dream that I got to heaven and ran to my love's arms.Because of what you said about making him proud of you I'd like you to go to the poetry site and read a poem,"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me." I found this poem and it really helps me.I read it occasionally to reinforce my strength to go on. I send you hugs to help in the lonely places.I keep you and others like us in my prayers.GOD send you strength and peace.

Aug 16, 2013
Also Lost Love of My Life
by: Anonymous

I completely feel your pain, you have my sympathies as well. My fiance of 13 years died in his sleep almost 4 months ago. He had a few health issues, refused to go to doctors but we believe he had a heart attack. He was only 60. I am a bit younger (48) and the thought of the rest of my life is completely overwhelming. We had a wonderful mature unconditional love, having both had bad marriages in the past we truly appreciated each other. I am so thankful for the years I had with him but would give almost anything to have not lost him yet. We both have/had a strong faith and I know it is Gods will. I have to remind myself of the positives and trust God. Some days it is a very difficult struggle, some are okay. Know that you are not alone. As painful as it is to know that one person who gave me unconditional love and support is gone, I know it is out of my hands. God is with you.

Aug 15, 2013
You'll Be Okay
by: Judith in California

Dear Kristen, I’m so sorry for your loss of a wonderful, Christian man. You are so early in your grief and you will have a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions during your grief. One day you’ll be okay and learn to live with the emptiness you’re left with. We never get over it, we just learn to cope with it. May God give you the strength to get to that peaceful acceptance side of grief. Keep your faith and He will see you through.

For us who are left behind it becomes a journey to find ourselves again and get used to our “new normal”. It’s a thing that we can only do one breath, one second, one minute, one day at a time.

Kristen what you must do now is still love yourself and care for you as he would have because you were always worth it. He found you worthy and showed you how important you are. God does not make worthless people. You must grieve until you can’t any longer. You will always have a grief corner for him. You will always miss the “Us” of you and him. You will hopefully be sent another to share your life with again one day when you’re ready, Never loose sight of the fact that you are a good and caring person and are worthy of all the good things in life and never settle for anything or anyone less.

How do I know this? Well it’s been 3 years for me since I lost the love of my life after a 35 year marriage.

Aug 15, 2013
I had found The One, yet so did God
by: Doreen U.K.

Kristin I am sorry for your loss of your partner. What a sad loss for one so young. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 15 months ago to a deadly cancer and I am still feeling sad at my loss of a great man. I guess I always will. He was my first and last love of my life.
It hurts so much to go on in life, but we have no choice in this. God gives life and he takes it when it is our time to go. I sent out requests for prayer all over America on the God Channel and I guess the only miracle was my husband survived 3yrs.39days. He drew his last breath and I couldn't believe it. Up till then I was holding onto my husband so tightly like a desperate woman who couldn't bear this loss. When I said. O.K. God. If you can't Heal my husband then take him. He died that day he was anointed for healing. It was not to be and when I released my husband to God He took him home. I have had to accept this even though I was angry for a long time. Anger is also part of grief.
One good thing you mentioned is that your partner had a strong Faith in God. This is Good. This is all any of us can do is to live for God because this is not our eternal home. This is to come and you will be reunited again. This world we are only passing through. Whilst we walk through life we must try and live each day with balance and perspective of what life means and where we are going when we die. Our whole purpose in living is to Honour God and Worship Him. We were created for this but due to Sin we now have Death and misery. But Jesus will come back one day as He promised and destroy Sin and Death FOREVER. Now this is a life worth striving for. It does feel good when someone comes into our life and gives it meaning and value and we wish it could last forever. But for me I am the one who wants to help others find meaning and value in life with Jesus. He has brought me through much and I owe my life to God who saved me. Kristin find a purpose to go on living. Put value and meaning into your life. If you need to depend on anyone, depend on God to see you through life. This doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. You must live your life and let God guide you so that you will find Happiness again. In time when grief has run its course you will get your life back. I now thank God for the man He brought into my life and for the years he gave me with him even though they were not quality years due to a man having to work longs days at his job. But thankful nevertheless. My sorrow for you is that you lost the love of your life so early and didn't have those quality of years we all desire. God must have a plan for your life. Seek Him and walk with Him in honour of your partner. Be the person you were meant to be. I wish you every happiness and success in life and May God bring you comfort and strength for the days and months ahead and bring you through this journey of grief.

Aug 15, 2013
ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH...
by: BUFFY HAMILTON

I came across your story and this really just broke my heart. Death is such a sad thing for so many individuals & family. There really isn't anything that anyone can say to make a person feel better. No one can heal a heart. I have had a lot of death in my life and it seemed as though the pain always felt the same, such as you described. You feel like its never gonna go away and to be honest sometimes it never does. It does get easier though. For me i had to look at death a different way. Instead of being sad and depressed and having that feeling of hopelessness i had to look at it in a more positive way . I find comfort in knowing that heaven is such a beautiful place! They don't worry there, there is no sadness or Iloneliness there. Just sweet bliss! Joy & Love. They feel no pain. They are surrounded by never ending happiness. So now when i think of my loved ones who have passed away and i start getting really sad. I just remember that they are happy right now. They are in the most beautifully place They can be so why should i be sad for them. Well i am not! Actually i am happy for them because i know that they are in the best place They can be. With GOD, With JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOR! They are home now and its the best place They could be. Now when i think of them i smile and i look up and praise GOD for another day in this lifetime and for another day of trying to be the best person i could be so i can be able to go home too with my family and friends and enjoy "The sweet bliss of never ending happiness "with them. Your loved one doesn't know sadness anymore so he is confused. He would only want you to be happy. Keep his memory alive girl and remember to always keep the faith... GOD BLESS YOU.

Aug 15, 2013
God found him.
by: Anonymous

Dear Kristen,
What you are saying I totally agree with. I lost my wife and I really don't want to go in without her. It has been 17 months since she died. It is the hardest thing hat has ever happened to me. How can I go on without her. I met her when she was 15 and I was 17 but it was 28 years later until we got back together. I truely believe she is my soul mate and I live with that. You are so young. You have a whole life to live. I am much older but I am not going to give up on life. I dream of my wife and feel her presence at times but I know she would want me to go on living. I don't know if I will love again but I am not going to dismiss the idea. I think God will guide me and my wife will be there to see about my happiness. I believe even though we don't feel like we can move on just maybe we will with our loves blessing because they want us to live a full life. So please don't give up. Your love will never die but you are young and you may find another have children and have a full life. Please don't give up

Aug 15, 2013
Sorry for your loss
by: Rebekah Arnold

I have not had a lost like yours , but did loose my identical twin sister almost two years ago now in a horrible car accident. The pain, and all the other feelings you have are all normal. I too think of suicide I have everyday science she passed. I won't only because I know the pain that I feel my loved ones would have to feel. I wish you peace in the coming days/ months/years please remember the good times and keep him tucked in your heart talk about him even when those around you don't want too and take your own time with your grief !

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