I have felt that hurt... & still do

by Pam
(Big Lake, AK)

I lost my black lab, best friend, love of my life, Bandit on June 17, 2010 and found this page. I have met some great folks on this site and continue to be friends with them. The pain was unbearable and I was inconsolable. Horrible horrible time. The one thing I learned was no one was giving me advice, info, lectures - nothing anyone said would have ever, ever made me feel better. But yet no one wanted to listen to me talk and cry. It was just such an awful time; so I feel for the folks who just lost their loves. There is no pain like it on earth. I did try talking to a priest and going to grief counseling but nothing at all eased that cry-all-the-time pain; and the longing and missing.. ugg it's horrible. But, I would go outside at night and talk to my boy via the stars. For some reason I felt close to him and it really brought me hope (hope as in I'm gonna spend eternity with him and that I couldn't wait to be with him again). Now almost 2 years later, I still ache for him all the time but you really do just become a different person and just have to enter into a new life. Especially when it's just the two of you. I guess I needed something to "put out there" and it's not much but I made a Facebook page... "Stars are holes in the floor of Heaven". It may not relieve pain for everyone but Bandit and I loved the outdoors and I don't know,, to this very day I talk to him at night and feel like he can hear me. So check it out,, I was where you are now and we all need something, anything to get us through that awful, wrenching, brutally painful time.

Bandit's Mom

Comments for I have felt that hurt... & still do

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 26, 2012
Such familiar feelings...
by: Pam

Hi Veronica and I'm so sorry for you.. and it just happened to you... uggg.. and what an incredibly sad, awful trauma you had to go thru.. Snow Snow was just being a good girl.. stupid car had to come alone.. ugggg,,, my heart hurts for you. Your tears (if you're like me and it sounds like it) aren't gonna stop for a while.. just let them out..

Like you, Bandit was the best spirit I have ever known & absolutely the greatest reason for getting up in the morning - just like Snow Snow. It's amazing the bonds you have with your pets - yes, our kids - people truly don't see the half of it. I was just like you,, I didn't care if the world blew up. Just be gentle with yourself because you're in hell right now and there's nothing that can just snap you out of this. I couldn't stand being at my house without him so after 9 mos I had to move 5,000 miles away.. and yes, the pain follows you but it's not as fierce.

I'm so sorry you feel alone even though you're married. I often felt sorry that I was alone but then I was grateful because if my spouse/boyfriend wasn't going thru the agony I was going thru I think I would have resented him and not have understood. God puts us where we need to be I guess. I think your husband is probably suffering in silence.

You're not pitying yourself at all! You've lost someone that you spent your life with and you adored-it's not easy and I'm crying for you right now. That pain is devastating and on top of it you have that guilt.. you poor thing.. just don't beat yourself up.. uggg.. here's a huge hug for you... it must hurt so so badly.

So what does one do when they've lost something so precious? I use to ask the same thing and I still feel empty. I don't have that "joy",, that peaceful, love-my-life feeling I felt after he and I would hike, swim or do anything. You just become someone different - I can't explain it. I hope you're not like I was.. I hope that, yes, in time, you will be back to your ole' self - after you forgive yourself..

Yes,, I read that Rainbow Bridge 2 years ago and for a brief moment I felt some hope.. I tell him all the time to "save my seat" - that's what I use to say when I left the house. So hold on to the Rainbow Bridge and may it continue to bring you relief.

Please be easy on yourself.. your situation is such a sad one. Thanks for writing and let people love you thru this.. grief is the worst thing in the world and there are no answers... I'm glad Snow Snow had you - you sound like such a loving Mom! Keep talking to her.. and just take it one moment at a time.. I wish I had the answers... Big Big hug for you Veronica.. Pam

Mar 25, 2012
I know how you feel
by: Veronica

Hello Bandit's Mom,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my little Snow Snow on December 12 2011, she got hit be a car crossing the street in response to my calling her from the backyard. Not a day or night goes by that I'm not in tears, in fact they are flowing at this moment. She was only four and a half years old and one of the best spirits that I have ever encountered. She was my Ikegai (my reason for getting up in the morning)now I couldn't care less about getting up or for anything else for that matter. I had thought we would grow old together, now I just come home to an empty house even though I am married. Everyone has moved on with respect to her death but everything I do, everywhere I look I expect to see her and the thought that I don't and that I never will again, is just devestating. In addition to that I have to live with the fact that I contributed to her death by stupidly calling her without thinking about her crossing the road.

So what does one do when they've lost something so precious? I read the stories from folks that have lost children, mates, family members etc and I almost feel like I'm pitying myself but my love for Snow Snow was a deep as I imagine I would feel for a child or a mate.

They say time heals everything, I don't know about it; I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm sorry you don't have your Bandit next to you. Lets hope Bandit and Snow Snow are across that Rainbow Bridge everyone tells me about just waiting for us to join them. That's the only thing that brings me relief and consolation.

All the best to you.



Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Loss of pet.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!