I Have Lost My Life
(Perth, Western Australia)
14th October 2011 I lost my world as I knew it. My husband passed away that day and along with it went my life as I knew it. John and I were married for nearly 33 years when he passed. I met him when I was 19 and he was 21. 4 months after meeting him my mother passed away and from then on John was my world. We did everything together. We got married, we had two beautiful daughters and started our own business together. We lived, loved and worked together every day. It worked for us, we were happy and had a great life. John used to say "if you leave me, can I come too". Our eldest daughter got married and has 3 beautiful children which John got to be a part of for a while but then his diabetes began causing trouble that ended up in heart failure. He never once stopped living right up until the end. I cared for him at home along with Silver Chain Hospice help and gave him the ending that he wished for, surrounded by family and love - so much love. But that day I died too. There is no me anymore, there is just this shell that continues on with the day to day life that I have to endure. Some days are tolerable but some days I am in so much pain. The last few days have been pain filled days. I function and to the world out there I am perceived as coping, as being strong, I have a smile on my face when I see people so that makes them feel okay but when they leave and I close that door I am on my knees again. I see a counsellor and that is okay when I am there and gives me things to think about later but it doesn't fill this empty void that is my life. My purpose in life has gone. I was a wife - gone. I am a mother - daughters grown up and living their own lives - gone. I had a business - without John it could not continue - gone. How do I find me, where do I belong, how do I live my life without the one thing I truly want in it - my darling? How do I find a life I can bear? Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful family and I have some wonderful friends but I don't have the one thing that I want most in this world. I know it will take time and I have to let go of the past and build myself a new future without John - my head tells me all this but my heart is not in sync. I know I am looking for some sort of magic cure that doesn't exist but that doesn't help. None of my friends have been in this position and none of them can truly understand the depth of feelings and I don't wish it on anybody so it is a bit of a lonely road. If you read this then I thank you for letting me vent and I know I am not the only one out there suffering but it feels like I am all alone. Thank you and may we all get some comfort from one another on this sad journey.