I Have Lost My Life

by Judith
(Perth, Western Australia)

14th October 2011 I lost my world as I knew it. My husband passed away that day and along with it went my life as I knew it. John and I were married for nearly 33 years when he passed. I met him when I was 19 and he was 21. 4 months after meeting him my mother passed away and from then on John was my world. We did everything together. We got married, we had two beautiful daughters and started our own business together. We lived, loved and worked together every day. It worked for us, we were happy and had a great life. John used to say "if you leave me, can I come too". Our eldest daughter got married and has 3 beautiful children which John got to be a part of for a while but then his diabetes began causing trouble that ended up in heart failure. He never once stopped living right up until the end. I cared for him at home along with Silver Chain Hospice help and gave him the ending that he wished for, surrounded by family and love - so much love. But that day I died too. There is no me anymore, there is just this shell that continues on with the day to day life that I have to endure. Some days are tolerable but some days I am in so much pain. The last few days have been pain filled days. I function and to the world out there I am perceived as coping, as being strong, I have a smile on my face when I see people so that makes them feel okay but when they leave and I close that door I am on my knees again. I see a counsellor and that is okay when I am there and gives me things to think about later but it doesn't fill this empty void that is my life. My purpose in life has gone. I was a wife - gone. I am a mother - daughters grown up and living their own lives - gone. I had a business - without John it could not continue - gone. How do I find me, where do I belong, how do I live my life without the one thing I truly want in it - my darling? How do I find a life I can bear? Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful family and I have some wonderful friends but I don't have the one thing that I want most in this world. I know it will take time and I have to let go of the past and build myself a new future without John - my head tells me all this but my heart is not in sync. I know I am looking for some sort of magic cure that doesn't exist but that doesn't help. None of my friends have been in this position and none of them can truly understand the depth of feelings and I don't wish it on anybody so it is a bit of a lonely road. If you read this then I thank you for letting me vent and I know I am not the only one out there suffering but it feels like I am all alone. Thank you and may we all get some comfort from one another on this sad journey.

Comments for I Have Lost My Life

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Sep 08, 2012
Husband
by: Doreen U.K.

Bonnie you say that David would be unhappy with you not doing better by how you are expressing your feelings. Whether negative or positive. It is how you feel. You have to expresss this in an honest way. It is expressing our painfull raw feelings of where we are at in our grief that helps others. If you tried to say the right things to make others feel better you would not be true to yourself. Also you can't fake how you feel. Thank you for being so honest. It shows Integrity. This is also important in grief. It is O.K. to feel bitter and want to have had more time with your husband David. It shows you are human. When we take our marriage vows it is because we want to live a long and happy life otherwise few would do it. David would be proud of you because you were honest. You expressed how many of us feel and can't put into words. It is hard having to now go on in life alone and living alone. Grief is painfull and a hard place to be. I don't feel much like going on in life. A lot of the time it does feel as if we have no reason to go on in life. Our purpose for living has gone with our loved one. Each new day will bring new feelings and concerns. Tough times when we have to make many decisions by ourselves. I find myself wanting to speak to my Steve and he is not here. I feel very desperate and it has been 4 months I lost him. Saturday (today) is the worst for me because Steve died on a Saturday night 39minutes to the time he drew his last breath. Don't apologise for how you feel and expressing this. We understand.

Sep 07, 2012
empathy
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband just over 2 years ago and am so fed up of people giving me advice on how to "move on". Like you we did everything together. Unlike you I did not have the joy of children, my family (such as it is, sister and two nieces) cannot be bothered with me, cannot cope with the depth of my grief). This from my sister whom my husband and took on holiday with us for 16 years after her husband died. He was my whole life and he died in seconds from an aneurysm. I cannot cope with a life without him but lack the courage to take my own life (plus my religious friends tell me I would not be allowed to go to my husband if I did) I just want my old life back, humdrum, no excitement, visiting Yorkshire (my husbands family come from there) three times a year (he died there whilst on our latest trip). We did not need anyone else as we had each other which was exactly as we wanted it but now I am left with nothing. I am 72 and the years stretch ahead of me with nothing but pain in sight. I swing wildly from belief that he is waiting for me and will come for me to conviction that he is just a casket of ashes. Is there no one out there who can give me hope.

Helen

Aug 31, 2012
To Maddi I have lost my life
by: Doreen U.K.

Maddi I am sorry that you are having a bad day and feeling so lost. There will be days when we all move forward, and days when we regress. Everything will seems strange. We may even feel we are not moving at all and just stuck. this too is part of grief. Days we will feel so lost and days when we don't want to see anybody. Just like some days we have sunshine and days we have rain. When you look back you will see how you have grown through your grief. Days you felt weak and how you have become stronger. Don't worry too much where you are at. Things do change daily. I like to look at lifes trials and tribulations as if God was weaving this tapestry of our lives and when we have bad times and lose people from our lives the grief is like all those rough knots and threads under the tapestry. When you turn the tapestry over to the right side. It is perfect. This is what God is making of our lives.

Aug 30, 2012
I am With You in Your/My Pain
by: Maddi

I can feel for your and am going through much the same--today would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary. Rob passed away last December 14. He slipped away quietly in the night. He was my world, my husband, lover, best friend and soul mate. He had 2 sons and so I became the step-mom; they have been good since Rob's passing, but live 90 miles away. Nothing seems worth doing, and especially today, I feel lost. I have been told that this grief will lessen, and I will be able to go on with my life. I was doing okay until this morning, and now I feel like I've slid half-way down the hill I was climbing. All I can do is carry on as best I can, but it is so hard.

Aug 28, 2012
My heart goes out to you
by: Jenny

I ready our story and just wanted to say how sorry I am for your pain. Sounds like you were a wonderful couple, and you being one half of that makes you a wonderful person.

Aug 27, 2012
Husband
by: Bonnie

Judith: You have echoed my exact sentiments. I lost my husband of 44 years on Sept. 6, 2011. Almost one year has passed and I am still searching for a reason to live. No one knew me like David, no one cared for me like David. I sincerely do feel your pain and I honestly don't know what we can do to change our outlook. I appear Ok in front of my friends and family. My family goes on with their lives while I am alone in our home, not my home, our home. I find no joy in living at all. I really am not helping you and I do want to reach out to you and help you. Maybe knowing that someone else knows how you feels helps. David would be so disappointed that I am not doing better. He was so grateful for our 44 years together! I am so bitter and wanted more time. I wish I could be more like him. I will think of you Judith. Please contact me at bjb7989@live.com if you would like to keep in touch. I will think of you and pray for your comfort.

Aug 27, 2012
MY BELOVED IS GONE
by: Karen

To Judith and all my sisters enduring the grief of losing a spouse. I understand the pain all too well. One has to walk this terribly sad and empty road to understand. The love of my life, my everything, died beside me in the middle of the night on June 21, 2011. Rich suffered a massive heart attack and was gone within a couple of minutes. I tried to save him while talking to 911, but I have been told he was already gone. I had a dream about him last night and woke up to the pain but once again. I know today will be filled with pain as I long for his smile, his blue eyes, and his loving touch. How do we go on; how do we endure the pain forever? Nothing helps.

Aug 27, 2012
Judith
by: Moonlight

Judith, when people say time heals all wounds, they do not know how WE all feel. Yes time heals all wounds but WE you and I do not feel this way. I lost 18 people in 1 yr 2011. Life becomes precious to all of us. and yet you feel that your loved one(husband) is gone. But No he is not actually gone. His spirit is with you all the time, he may not be where you can physically see him but he is surrounded by you in spirit with your presence of speaking about him, as I do with all my lost family and friends.

I speak to them daily... nightly when the lights go out, and god comes to me in peace.

You got to talk to your hubby... tell him how much you miss him he will hear you. maybe he will move somthing to show you that he is there... when we die, we go to a different realm, we may not be in a physical realm but we are in the same room as you, like Jesus said we are only a vessel that holds our soul. Our souls never die. just the vessel that holds us.

I would like to tell you that this is the soul that you feel the pain with... and with that, you can have it all when you go , and visit him.


I know you do not want to hear what I am telling you, but Im a strong person. I have to be I have a large family to take care of , and I know that many here like doreen and others who are hurting right now, maybe we need to give you support for your loved one. This is why I love these posts to talk and be heard over our loved ones.

We are very sorry for your loss, including me. We must go on and do gods work by making the world a better place and the rewards we will get once we get there is remarkable.

so keep your head up and smile, cause he will be smiling with you.

Aug 27, 2012
Loss of a Husband-Best Friend
by: Terri

Hi Judith, I know your pain. You're right, the you that you were with your husband is gone. I'm told, the best way to honor loved ones passed over is tolive your life the best way you can. To this day, I'm still struggling with that theory. My husband was killed on his way to work on December 26th, 2011, and I have come to realize you and I are in what's called complicated grief. I'm very much like you, just an existing shell that does what we need to do on a daily basis. I don't get comfort from friends or family, because only someone that has experienced this loss will undertand the horror. Talk to your husband, he is listening to you, and look for signs that he's there, but you have to be open to them, songs that will play that were familiar to you both, little signs like that. Go to James Van Praghs web site. He has the inside info I think that can help you understand and know you are going to see your husband again. The life we are living right now is not the life we are meant to live forever. This is how I get thru days. Have you ever seen the movie "Ghost" with Patrick Swazey. If you haven't, get it. If you have, then remember when Patrick Swazey is sitting in the window sill watching everything. It's the same theory. Our loved ones are with us. We can talk to them, they hear us, but they can't answer. Every day talk to him. At night ask for your guides. This may help get messages thru to you, but you have to be open to them. I know this will be hard, but everyday try and do something for you.Please keep in touch. Best Wishes

Terri

Aug 27, 2012
I Have Lost My Life
by: Doreen U.K.

Judith I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Your life partner, your everything. Don't apologise for being YOU. You have a right to feel the way you do. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You ECHO what we all feel and are going through. We are in a sense LOST. We have lost the one and only Love of our lives. Grief can't be explained only experienced. No one can understand how we feel until they have gone through it. As you say you wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I lost my husband Steve of 44yrs. marriage 4 months ago to cancer. I nursed him for over 3 yrs. I had to watch him slowly die and not be able to ease his pain of dying. He was my world. My everything. We are all broken people now. I don't know what to do with ME. Steve was my heartbeat. Judith it is early days. This is what grief feels like. The LONLINESS. EMPTINESS. VOID. SORROW. FEELING LOST. It matters not how many friends you have, children, or grandchildren. Our world has been blown up. We are fragmented. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. This is the first good step for you to take. Don't try too hard to change your life. Let it happen gradually. Each day is a day closer to Healing. It is a slow process. You are not waiting for a magic cure. You just don't want this grief to be slow and painfull as if it is going on forever. We do lose our purpose for living. Up till now we lived for our husbands. Death altered our lives. Of course we won't know how to go on. Our world is now fractured. We need Healing before we can go on and change our lives from where we are now. It is when the door closes and everyone goes on to their own homes and we are left all alone with the thought about what to do with ME. I am in the same place as you. I am barely functioning.
If you need to talk some more you can email me at doreenelkington@aol.com

Aug 27, 2012
I so miss Mike
by: June

Dear Judith
I am so sorry. I feel exactly the way you do. I too have a loving family but all I want is Mike. We were married for 41 yrs and he passed away March 8, 2012. I miss him so much. I don't think time will help, I just go through the motions of life. Take care. June, from Canada

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