I Have Never Been To Me

by Janet
(Dallas, TX)

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my husband Jim. I am traveling one of the darkest journies that any one can travel, but I know that there is a life after losing your spouse. I will get there in time. It is a roller coaster ride but I know that in the end I will find out who I am. "I've been to paradise but I've never been to me..." from the song "I Have Never Been To Me" by Charlene. I was 36 when I married my Jim and we had 25 good years together including the not so good. I would not trade any of that time for anything in the world.

The nights are the hardest for me because he would always fix me a glass of wine around 5 PM in the afternoon after I retired in April of last year. That was our favorite time and we would sit on the patio, weather permitting, and enjoy each others company and talk about the day. We were together constantly and I miss that. I miss just being able to hold him, snuggle with him, tell him that I Love Him, kiss him, hold hands with him, and the one thing I miss the most is being able to snuggle up to him in bed and know that I was safe. He was my partner, soulmate, companion, friend, lover and protector.

I miss him so much and the pain hurts so bad. I understand that I am still new to this even after 4 1/2 months. I know that I must find out who I am, again. 26 years ago I could have probably told you who I was, but not today because I just don't know. I do not like this journey but I can honestly say I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is hard and painful and it sucks.

I told an old high school classmate of mine on Facebook last night to enjoy the time she had with her husband. She responded that she could not even imagine living without her spouse. I sent her a message and have not had a response. I will be there for her and all of my former classmates (only 11 of us) when they have to travel this long journey.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe at some point I can talk about my husband but everytime I try to right now I just start to cry. It is very difficult to talk about him and I wonder if it is because I am a very private person and do not like sharing my private life with people. Hopefully some day I can get to a point where I can talk about him but it is not now.

God Bless each and every one of us traveling this journey.

Comments for I Have Never Been To Me

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Mar 23, 2012
I Have Never Been To Me
by: Janet

Thank you all for the comments. They help and give me comfort. I feel comfortable here being able to express my thoughts. Being a very private person, it is hard to talk with someone about Jim. 4 months and 22 days ago I lost the love of my life. I just wish I had One More Day. If any of you wish to contact me please do at janetsellars@sbcglobal.net. I would welcome making new friends, even if it is on the internet, it is better than not having any friends at all.
God Bless All of you.

Mar 21, 2012
by: Anonymous

Well it's just gone 5 months since losing my partner and soul mate.
The first 4 months were horendous, non stop crying, not wanting to be here, left behind. The crying has slowed and I accept my partner won't be back. This reality is crushing and difficult.
I have days where I just do what needs to be done and when I'm finished I'm at a total loss, what next? Life seems to have lost all meaning. I'm in my early 50's no children or family to focus on or to share my grief with.
The loneliness eats at me everyday, always when I first open my eyes in the morning, through out the day and at night especially.
Friends suggest things like I should get out and mix with more people, but they don't understand my loneliness is for my partner, not a bunch of friends. I feel lonely even surrounded by a room full of people.
I'm constantly having conversations with my partner in my mind and replaying conversations we have had in the past.
On a positive note the last month has been a little better. They say it's best not to block your grief, to go with it. But I find I have to block it at times or else I'm so miserable I think I just can't continue. So I do block it from time to time and try and give myself a break from the intense pain I'm in.
My thoughts are with you and others who are suffering.
All I can say is there must be a huge reward for the suffering we are made to endure through experiencing the loss and grief of losing our partners. It's the toughest journey we will ever have to face. Hang in there, be strong for your partners.

Mar 21, 2012
I feel your pain
by: Annie

I do not know when you posted your message but I could have written it. I lost the love of my life the day after Christmas, 2011. We had been together for 30 years and have 2 grown children. We were just beginning to enjoy each other again. We did things together that I never imagined I would do, like mountain biking. This at 54! He was my inspiration, my protector, the best thing that ever happened to me. I know about the intense pain. I miss him so badly. I cry all of the time. I feel like I am not getting better, only worse. There is not a moment in the day that I don't think about him and want him back so bad. The pain is unbearable. I don't know where you are in your journey, but I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Please feel free to respond to me. I would love to hear from you.


Mar 21, 2012
feeling your pain
by: Joanne

Dear Janet, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse is an experience like no other. It is not like your life has changed, it is like getting a whole new life(one that is so foreign and painful)We all have special times that we will miss the most. For me it was our pizza and movie night every Saturday. As for you not being able to talk about him, you must do everything at your own pace. There is no timeline to how long we grieve or how we grieve. Be kind to yourself, and allow others to be kind to you. Avoid those who always seem to say the wrong things and make matters worse. Stay close to those people that make you feel better. Wishing you peace. Joanne, Chicago

Mar 21, 2012
Finding the Me after We...
by: Anonymous


You have to take things at your own pace Your own speed. In this awful grief ride it takes you where you need to go. I would like to say that you can control the length of grief or the up and down days of grief but there is no control where the heart is concerned.

At 2 years plus I find most days are o.k. It will never be the same and as you said you need to redefine who you are. That takes time. (I know I hated to hear it too, but it is true be patient) So take all you need and this is THE best place to be.

I looked at this site daily looking for answers/ relief from grief. Now it feels as if the waves are further apart but when It hit It hits harder. Perhaps because it is unexpected. But as always even in the later part of grief, I take things one day one breath at a time.

You will find strength you did not know you had. You will become independent in spite of the fact that it seems so very unfair and over whelming.

If I can make it, you can too. But let it out it is safe here. Come here when no one really understands....we will

Mar 21, 2012
your life, your love
by: Nancy

I'm so sorry for your loss, only another person who has lost their soul mate can truly understand what you're going through, we all heal at different times and ways. You do what you need to do, you feel what you need to feel, you do what's right for you, this is your loss, your grief. I couldn't say all the things I wanted to about my life with Joe. It took me almost a month to post on here what I did. The emptiness, desolation and numbness we go through, as you said and I have said as well, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This site helped me about the stages of grief as I had no idea what I was going through and I found a good book, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye. By Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair PH.D Its an incredible read. Maybe it can help to ease your pain just a little bit. You will be in my prayers and may the Lord hold you in His Loving embrace to help you through.

Mar 21, 2012
Dark Journey....Hopes For a Bright Future....
by: TrishJ

Four and 1/2 months is still very new on the grief journey. I look back to that time and I feel like I was still in a state of shock.
I loved what you posted~What a Widow Really Wants~ it was so helpful to me at the stage I'm at. We really are space cadets. We really are toddlers. After being with the same man for so many years we have to learn to live our lives all over again....in a different way....without our men. The pain in my heart is as bad as it was 15 months ago. The black clouds are still there but I think I'm beginning to see a little bit of blue sky every now and then. I was way too hard on myself because for some reason I expected everything to be better after the one year anniversary of Joe's death came. That didn't happen and I was really beginning to think I had some sort of mental deficiency. I thought, I don't want to be happy. I DO want to be happy but like your post said, NOT RIGHT NOW. I'm just not ready. I have to give myself more time. You have to give yourself a lot more time.
I try so hard to find joy in what remains in my life. As a human being I find myself having feelings of jealousy when I see my friends with their husbands. Not that I wish my life on them....but seeing them with their husbands hurts.
I miss the little things too. I miss hearing I love you...I miss the hugs (as ill as Joe was there were daily hugs).
I saw somewhere written that our loved ones don't define who we are. The love we have for them defines us as a person. The love can never die. Your husband will always love you, you will always love him. Nothing can take that away. That doesn't make us miss them any less but it's so true.
It does get better Janet. Somehow we learn to adjust. It's taking me longer than I thought but you don't get over 38 years in 12 months. It's a a constant work in progress.
Thinking of you and hoping for a good day for us both. God bless.

Mar 21, 2012
Im sorry
by: Nettie

How did he pass? Mines was never sick a day in his life , he was 44 yrs old and he complained of chest pains and died in mins. He was my everything and best friend.

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