I Have Never Been To Me
There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my husband Jim. I am traveling one of the darkest journies that any one can travel, but I know that there is a life after losing your spouse. I will get there in time. It is a roller coaster ride but I know that in the end I will find out who I am. "I've been to paradise but I've never been to me..." from the song "I Have Never Been To Me" by Charlene. I was 36 when I married my Jim and we had 25 good years together including the not so good. I would not trade any of that time for anything in the world.
The nights are the hardest for me because he would always fix me a glass of wine around 5 PM in the afternoon after I retired in April of last year. That was our favorite time and we would sit on the patio, weather permitting, and enjoy each others company and talk about the day. We were together constantly and I miss that. I miss just being able to hold him, snuggle with him, tell him that I Love Him, kiss him, hold hands with him, and the one thing I miss the most is being able to snuggle up to him in bed and know that I was safe. He was my partner, soulmate, companion, friend, lover and protector.
I miss him so much and the pain hurts so bad. I understand that I am still new to this even after 4 1/2 months. I know that I must find out who I am, again. 26 years ago I could have probably told you who I was, but not today because I just don't know. I do not like this journey but I can honestly say I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is hard and painful and it sucks.
I told an old high school classmate of mine on Facebook last night to enjoy the time she had with her husband. She responded that she could not even imagine living without her spouse. I sent her a message and have not had a response. I will be there for her and all of my former classmates (only 11 of us) when they have to travel this long journey.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe at some point I can talk about my husband but everytime I try to right now I just start to cry. It is very difficult to talk about him and I wonder if it is because I am a very private person and do not like sharing my private life with people. Hopefully some day I can get to a point where I can talk about him but it is not now.
God Bless each and every one of us traveling this journey.