I have never felt so lonely
I am currently feeling lost and very much alone after my partner of 8 and a half years left me five weeks ago He is citing a lack of communication and in particular lack of emotional intimacy as the cause of the break up.
We met via online dating and lived in separate counties. He had his own business and I would travel to see him every weekend. Sometimes I would get to spend the weekend with him, others he would be working and I would relish the time we had together. He rarely visited me at my home. After over two years of being together, declaring our love for each other, I broached the subject of living together, marriage and children. He did not want to commit just yet and suggested that I move closer to him so that we could spend more time together. He didn't want me to move I with him as he wanted me to forge my own life and make new friends. So I compromised and relocated. I have up my home, my job, a place I had lived in for over 10 years and my friends to be closer to him. I even found a house that was located half way between his home and his place of work.
I struggled when I moved. The people at my new place of work were very anti social and my partner did not come to see me as often as I thought he would. I still travelled to his home every weekend. I became depressed. Started to take anti depressants. At one point I collapsed due to lack of food. He berated me for this. Blamed himself and trashed his kitchen, leaving me to drive home alone. I turned to a friend I had known at my previous place of work. A male friend. He provided a friendly ear and attention. At that time I was doing a masters degree where he worked and we discussed that and life. We emailed each other and ago one point the conversations became flirty. I went on an evening out at my old place of work, the guy was there. We were surrounded by many others. I was late back to my house and my partner became worried. He went to my house to make sure my dog was ok (he thought I had abandoned the dog, something I would never do). Whilst he was there he somehow got into my email accounts and found some emails to the guy. Obviously on my return he went ballistic. There was no intent with the guy, he provided attention when was living in no strange place where my partner was not seeing me. My partner said I was never to speak to the guy again and if he got in touch I was to inform him. He requested all my email passwords which I gave to him.
My partner took this to mean that I wanted commitment from him so proposed and we became engaged. The only commitment I wanted was more time from him. The proposal did make me happy but still the time was lacking. I continued my masters degree, found a new job with more social people. At times my partner resented the time I was spending on the degree. I graduated in 2010. In February 2011 the guy contacted me, wanting to say congratulations on the degree and could be meet. I saw no harm and we met in a public place. We caught up on life. As we were leaving, he wanted to talk more so got into my car with me, he tried it on, I was not interested. He left. My partner found out about this and again went ballistic. He stalked the guy, phone me persistently throughout the day at work to make sure I was there, have me a phone that was attached to his business, requested I carry the phone everywhere with the GPS switched on. I agreed to all this. We discussed moving in and a few months later I moved into his house.
At this time I became friends with a man at my work. Again as a friend. On a couple of occasions I provided him with a lift home. We were friends and nothing more. My partner found out about this and confronted me. I did not tell him of this friendship as I knew what his reaction would be. He would assume that we were having an affair. Over the years I've had many friends both male and female and not told him. So I moved in. I was told that I could no longer speak to no one about me, him or our relationship. That basically I was to exist between home, work and my parents. I agreed. It was difficult at first, he was still tracking my movements. At the end of the year we discussed marriage and children. Due to the events of past years I was hesitant. I didn't know whether I really wanted children (he now claims I said a definite no to children).
So life went on. His business flourished. In the past year his workload has massively increased so rather than be the codependent person he once accused me of being. I threw myself into work and looking after our home, which included his very sick dog. He worked late nights several times throughout the week. I was left with a commute everyday, the household chores, then the dogs. He took on various projects which meant working away for weeks. He didn't task what i thought, I did not feel that either me or his poorly dog were taken into consideration. He wanted to go on holiday in September last year - it was attached to his work. The dog was really quite poorly at this time, I didn't want to leave her or fob her off into his very busy mother (the dog was more his mums than his). Plus I was busy with work and I thigh to perhaps as he only has work and me that he would like some alone time. I had loads of alone time so thought he would like the same.
He went away for 5 weeks after this. I became down. I had put many mechanisms in place to cope alone but yet the stresses of work, his dog and his absence got me down. I started to take anti depressants again for a couple of months. I told him I missed him and he said that he rally missed me (he has recently claimed that I did not miss him at all). I told him that I was depressed but it something he did not follow up on his return. I carried on.
He wanted to go on holiday at Christmas as he had some time in his schedule. By this point his dog was seriously ill and I thought it very unfair to leave her with his mother (his mother agreed after I asked her). He does not seem to have good relationship with his mother. She lives on the same road and he barely sees her. I see her more often than he does. I am the one to invite her around for dinner as she lives alone.
In February he sent me a valentines card, the front being offensive, with wording which stated that he recognised the issues in our relationship, that neither of us could talk to the other but he would like out futures to align and offered me the rest of his life. I didn't know what to do with this and expected him to follow it up. That weekend I had booked a spa hotel for us as it was also his 40th birthday. We had a great time, it was like old times. But nothing was said about the card. The following week he went out every night for his birthday and then went on holiday with his friend for ten days. I was hurt that he went without me but again he hadn't had a lads outing for years so thought this is his time. We never spoke about the card so I assumed we were okay.
Five weeks ago he came home one night and said he wanted to leave. I was no longer emotionally intimate with him. At first I was amicable, I suppose in shock but then the realisation hit me and the following week I became distraught. He went from wanting space to saying it was over. I have not seen him since.
I feel it is my fault for firstly talking to other men about things including our relationship. He asked me not to lie to him after the first instance. I should not have flirted with another man. I should not have met up with the guy again even though it was innocent.
I should have communicated more but sometimes found it difficult as I believed it would end in confrontation with my previous alleged misdemeanours being brought up. For the past few years I have resorted to actions rather than words. Supported him in his business, looked after our home and the dogs whilst managing my own career. All the smaller gestures such as dogs walked, shopping done, food waiting on the table. All of which showed my care and love for him.
Ive begun to realise that Im a nurturer and have been nesting. Im 38 and my thoughts have been drifting towards children so much so that I visited my doctors to ask for fertility tests. I wanted children two years into the relationship, he didnt at that point. Then a few years later he wanted them and due to past events I was unsure. He told me recently that I had said I definitely did not want them. I was unsure but have never said no. So with this uncertainty I didnt tell him about my wants and the tests as I didnt want to disappoint him if I was infertile.
So now he has left me. I desperately want children (with him) and dont want to start again.
So now I am left with unanswered questions. He said he has tried his best to help me understand but... I cannot understand how he can go from saying he really misses me to offering me the rest of his life to leaving me? I feel there is a massive hole in my heart, a loss of someone I really love and cherish. Our conversations since have been friendly to start with but then I mention I miss him question him and then he turns on me. I don't know what I am asking the forum for here. I would dearly love him back but don't think it is possible. Just feel I cannot cope right now.