I have never felt so lonely

by Hope
(UK)

I am currently feeling lost and very much alone after my partner of 8 and a half years left me five weeks ago He is citing a lack of communication and in particular lack of emotional intimacy as the cause of the break up.

We met via online dating and lived in separate counties. He had his own business and I would travel to see him every weekend. Sometimes I would get to spend the weekend with him, others he would be working and I would relish the time we had together. He rarely visited me at my home. After over two years of being together, declaring our love for each other, I broached the subject of living together, marriage and children. He did not want to commit just yet and suggested that I move closer to him so that we could spend more time together. He didn't want me to move I with him as he wanted me to forge my own life and make new friends. So I compromised and relocated. I have up my home, my job, a place I had lived in for over 10 years and my friends to be closer to him. I even found a house that was located half way between his home and his place of work.

I struggled when I moved. The people at my new place of work were very anti social and my partner did not come to see me as often as I thought he would. I still travelled to his home every weekend. I became depressed. Started to take anti depressants. At one point I collapsed due to lack of food. He berated me for this. Blamed himself and trashed his kitchen, leaving me to drive home alone. I turned to a friend I had known at my previous place of work. A male friend. He provided a friendly ear and attention. At that time I was doing a masters degree where he worked and we discussed that and life. We emailed each other and ago one point the conversations became flirty. I went on an evening out at my old place of work, the guy was there. We were surrounded by many others. I was late back to my house and my partner became worried. He went to my house to make sure my dog was ok (he thought I had abandoned the dog, something I would never do). Whilst he was there he somehow got into my email accounts and found some emails to the guy. Obviously on my return he went ballistic. There was no intent with the guy, he provided attention when was living in no strange place where my partner was not seeing me. My partner said I was never to speak to the guy again and if he got in touch I was to inform him. He requested all my email passwords which I gave to him.

My partner took this to mean that I wanted commitment from him so proposed and we became engaged. The only commitment I wanted was more time from him. The proposal did make me happy but still the time was lacking. I continued my masters degree, found a new job with more social people. At times my partner resented the time I was spending on the degree. I graduated in 2010. In February 2011 the guy contacted me, wanting to say congratulations on the degree and could be meet. I saw no harm and we met in a public place. We caught up on life. As we were leaving, he wanted to talk more so got into my car with me, he tried it on, I was not interested. He left. My partner found out about this and again went ballistic. He stalked the guy, phone me persistently throughout the day at work to make sure I was there, have me a phone that was attached to his business, requested I carry the phone everywhere with the GPS switched on. I agreed to all this. We discussed moving in and a few months later I moved into his house.

At this time I became friends with a man at my work. Again as a friend. On a couple of occasions I provided him with a lift home. We were friends and nothing more. My partner found out about this and confronted me. I did not tell him of this friendship as I knew what his reaction would be. He would assume that we were having an affair. Over the years I've had many friends both male and female and not told him. So I moved in. I was told that I could no longer speak to no one about me, him or our relationship. That basically I was to exist between home, work and my parents. I agreed. It was difficult at first, he was still tracking my movements. At the end of the year we discussed marriage and children. Due to the events of past years I was hesitant. I didn't know whether I really wanted children (he now claims I said a definite no to children).

So life went on. His business flourished. In the past year his workload has massively increased so rather than be the codependent person he once accused me of being. I threw myself into work and looking after our home, which included his very sick dog. He worked late nights several times throughout the week. I was left with a commute everyday, the household chores, then the dogs. He took on various projects which meant working away for weeks. He didn't task what i thought, I did not feel that either me or his poorly dog were taken into consideration. He wanted to go on holiday in September last year - it was attached to his work. The dog was really quite poorly at this time, I didn't want to leave her or fob her off into his very busy mother (the dog was more his mums than his). Plus I was busy with work and I thigh to perhaps as he only has work and me that he would like some alone time. I had loads of alone time so thought he would like the same.

He went away for 5 weeks after this. I became down. I had put many mechanisms in place to cope alone but yet the stresses of work, his dog and his absence got me down. I started to take anti depressants again for a couple of months. I told him I missed him and he said that he rally missed me (he has recently claimed that I did not miss him at all). I told him that I was depressed but it something he did not follow up on his return. I carried on.

He wanted to go on holiday at Christmas as he had some time in his schedule. By this point his dog was seriously ill and I thought it very unfair to leave her with his mother (his mother agreed after I asked her). He does not seem to have good relationship with his mother. She lives on the same road and he barely sees her. I see her more often than he does. I am the one to invite her around for dinner as she lives alone.

In February he sent me a valentines card, the front being offensive, with wording which stated that he recognised the issues in our relationship, that neither of us could talk to the other but he would like out futures to align and offered me the rest of his life. I didn't know what to do with this and expected him to follow it up. That weekend I had booked a spa hotel for us as it was also his 40th birthday. We had a great time, it was like old times. But nothing was said about the card. The following week he went out every night for his birthday and then went on holiday with his friend for ten days. I was hurt that he went without me but again he hadn't had a lads outing for years so thought this is his time. We never spoke about the card so I assumed we were okay.

Five weeks ago he came home one night and said he wanted to leave. I was no longer emotionally intimate with him. At first I was amicable, I suppose in shock but then the realisation hit me and the following week I became distraught. He went from wanting space to saying it was over. I have not seen him since.

I feel it is my fault for firstly talking to other men about things including our relationship. He asked me not to lie to him after the first instance. I should not have flirted with another man. I should not have met up with the guy again even though it was innocent.

I should have communicated more but sometimes found it difficult as I believed it would end in confrontation with my previous alleged misdemeanours being brought up. For the past few years I have resorted to actions rather than words. Supported him in his business, looked after our home and the dogs whilst managing my own career. All the smaller gestures such as dogs walked, shopping done, food waiting on the table. All of which showed my care and love for him.

Ive begun to realise that Im a nurturer and have been nesting. Im 38 and my thoughts have been drifting towards children so much so that I visited my doctors to ask for fertility tests. I wanted children two years into the relationship, he didnt at that point. Then a few years later he wanted them and due to past events I was unsure. He told me recently that I had said I definitely did not want them. I was unsure but have never said no. So with this uncertainty I didnt tell him about my wants and the tests as I didnt want to disappoint him if I was infertile.

So now he has left me. I desperately want children (with him) and dont want to start again.

So now I am left with unanswered questions. He said he has tried his best to help me understand but... I cannot understand how he can go from saying he really misses me to offering me the rest of his life to leaving me? I feel there is a massive hole in my heart, a loss of someone I really love and cherish. Our conversations since have been friendly to start with but then I mention I miss him question him and then he turns on me. I don't know what I am asking the forum for here. I would dearly love him back but don't think it is possible. Just feel I cannot cope right now.

Comments for I have never felt so lonely

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Oct 01, 2014
I have never felt so lonely
by: Doreen UK

Hope you have had a lucky escape. You are 38yrs. and I thought perhaps Mature enough to spot the warning signs in a relationship that is full of POSSESSIVENESS and CONTROL. Normally I would suggest a person who wants CONTROL go and get a dog. But He had one and didn't have time for him or you. What does this say about such a person? He is emotionally immature and cannot commit to a relationship. His EGO is so big that he needs someone to boss and manipulate.
If he had taken good care of you then you wouldn't have sought friendship with other men and got caught out with a sinister end.
Whatever problems you have before marriage will be magnified afterwards. So you will have learned from this mistake and be wiser in the future. You need to be MATURE enough to bring a child into the world and know that you can meet its needs and nurture the child well. Why would you want a child with a POSSESSIVE, Controlling immature man? He is married to his business and wouldn't be able to commit to a relationship that he doesn't control. You should now VALUE your FREEDOM. There are worse problems in life than feeling so lonely because your relationship didn't work out and you didn't get your child you wanted. Children need stability and a healthy mental outlook. Game playing and not meeting each other's needs will only make for the start of dysfunction within a family. Get some counselling. You need to know what went on in your relationship so that you can move forward into healthier relationships.

Jul 07, 2014
you are not alone
by: Anonymous

My story is different yet similar in many ways. I got dumped after 13 years of being in a relationship. Like yours, it was also for the most part long distance but we lived together for 3 years. being in same sex relationship, my partner suddenly decided that she wanted to have a "normal family" - get married and have a baby. I was blindsided as just two days before breaking up with me she said she was looking forward to relocate in the u.s. to be with me.I never got any explanation from her - just a text that she can't do it anymore. I was never unfaithful to her. There was never any issue of trust and commitment until now...I thought everything was great between us, i was clearly wrong.

I'm taking great comfort from family and friends. I keep in mind that although my heart is broken and will be broken probably for a while, life goes on and so must I. It is easier said than done I Know, but I cling to the hope that there's more to this.

I will be praying that you find your hope and strength back. Just know that you are not alone.




Jun 19, 2014
Worse Things than Lonely
by: Judith in California

Ditto for the other two replies for you. I don't mince words or baby coddle so here goes...
There are worse things than being lonely and the worse part is what you chose to let him do. You are in control of how a person treats you.
Let me ask you this...why would you want a narcissistic, emotionally abuser who could care less about you and our feelings back into your life and even think you would want children with him?
Please stop allowing a man to set the rules in your life. I get so angry when women forget they are in the drivers seat when it comes to their own lives. Stop letting men say when stuff will happen in your life.!!!
Is your self esteem is so low that you feel you don't deserve better?
He was , and never will be, going to be the man you needed or hoped he could be. You, unfortunately picked up and moved for him, and gave up most of who you were to be in that horrible relationship. When someone gives up all of who they are to be in a twosome then it's all wrong. Love is about sharing and compromise. It's never one sided. Stop being needy. Men and women hate neediness and clingyness. You control the direction in which you need to go and it's not backwards into a ditch with him. He is not the right one for you. Stop wasting your valuable time thinking about him or ever talking to him again.


Jun 17, 2014
To i have never felt so lonely
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to say this but im surprised you have not kicked him into touch long ago. I am sorry you are so unhappy, but you need to face the fact it is him making you unhappy. He does not want you but he does not want any one else to have you either, you deserve so much better. You sound a very intelligant person. I know it will be hard but you need to forget this man. Do not waste any more of your life on him. He sounds like a bit of a control freak to me, Got you just where he wants you. Doing just what he wants when he wants to,or not as the case maybe. I know what im talking about, ive been there in the past. You are worth so much more. Pick yourself up, turn your back on this man, do not have any more contact with him. Make a new life for your self, contact your friends again. You can do it. you are much stronger than you think. Good luck

Jun 16, 2014
it is NOT your fault
by: bluebird

I'm sorry you're hurting, but the "man" who left you was a controlling, abusive *ss. If you had had children with them, he would have treated them the same way. Distancing a partner from everyone else in her life, from her family, friends, support system, is a classic abuser move. He wanted you to move and not to talk to other people because then you would be completely dependent on him. Also, a person who doesn't care about his sick pet is NOT a good person.

I know it is painful, and I wish you weren't having to go through this, but you TRULY are better without him. I hope you are able to find a GOOD man, one who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

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